Till death do us part

April 1, 2010
By Piccalily_Potter GOLD, Staffordshire, Other
Piccalily_Potter GOLD, Staffordshire, Other
15 articles 0 photos 8 comments

His shoulder shook as the truth dawned upon him, tears streaming down his face. He hadn’t done everything he wanted to do with her, or said what he'd wanted to say to her. He’d wanted to say goodbye one last time, or whisper “I love you” in her ear as she slept. But their time had been cut short by nature, something he had loved with her, but now cursed. He looked down at her peaceful body, lying cold on the wet grass. Her soft honey-flecked hair was splayed out over the ground, her summer dress dampened by the dew.

Her lips had already turned blue in the cold morning air; she’d been still for less than twenty minutes, her life slipping out of her reach. They’d been walking, taking in the magnificent views over the rippling green sea. She had been running ahead of him, feeling the wind in her hair. Neither of them knew what happened, but when he caught up with her, she was lying still.

He picked up her limp, lifeless body with loving fragility. He whispered in her ear, shouted out to the world, but she was already gone. His tears splashed onto her cold, pale skin as he held her close to his body. He was kneeling on the ground, wanting to stay with her forever. His sobs were deep and hearty, he could hardly breathe through his tears but no amount of crying would bring her back. He stood up, with her still in his arms and looked over the edge of the cliff. The waves crashed against the rocks sticking out of the cliff at the bottom. He took a deep breath and jumped with her.
"Till death do us part" he murmured wistfully, not letting go of her.

The author's comments:
This piece was inspired by the painting "The Kiss" by Gustav Klimt, and a couple of pieces of poetry I wrote about it.

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This article has 1 comment.

Fun-ster said...
on Apr. 21 2010 at 12:13 pm
Fun-ster, Carlisle, Other
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Ya mam..."

It's not great but it's good. I'm probably not in a place to criticise though as i've just started writing myself and must say -i'm not the greatest of writers
But as i've said, it's really not bad. But there is  something missing. 

Ah, i think what your lacking is a hook. I don't mean to insult you -just help, but it doesn't seem to me the most 'exciting' of pieces. You just need to liven it up a little.
I think the reason people haven't yet commented on your work  is because they haven't been entirely sure what to criticise you on.
To just read it, it reads, alright. But you need to read deeper which is something you can't do in this piece of writing.
Enable people to read deeper, add more suspense and more questions. Let people do the work instead of giving them the answers.

I hope I helped you, I could see you were gagging for a reply on Yahoo... :)

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