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I sat in my car, gripping the steering wheel hard. I stared out the windshield, my eyes fixed on the traffic light.
Just do it, I thought. Just put your foot on the gas and all this will be over. It repeated in my head over. I stared at the red light, knowing it would go green any second, knowing that then it would be too late. Just do it. Come on Ebony, just do it.
But then the little angel on my other shoulder whispered, No Ebony! Don’t do this! No, you can start over! You don’t need to do this! I laughed. It sounded just like my mother would have.
I shook my head, trying to continue to muster up the courage that had taken so long to collect. The same courage that had fueled me to get out the door and get in my car and try to commit to this.
I sighed. This wasn’t the first time I’d doubted doing this. And so a tear rolled down my cheek. What was I doing? Why was I going to do this? Was this really what I wanted?
And I sobbed, my breathing getting heavy. But then I shook it off and slammed on the gas.
But it was too late. The light had turned green.
A car behind me beeped really loud, probably since I had suddenly surged way past the speed limit, but he didn’t really care. It was probably just a nervous reaction to the sudden suspense on the road, the beeping of the horn symbolizing something was wrong, as was custom. And so he drove away, and that was that.
I sobbed and more tears fell. I once again felt pathetic as I had when failed to cause an accident at the last stop light. My eyeliner smudged and dripped down my face. I lifted my left hand from the wheel, thinking if I just let the other hand go I would cause an accident as I sped down the freeway. But did I? Of course not.
I had done this so many times. I had tried so many times to kill myself. So many times. But I never was able to. I have no idea why. I hated this life I was living. It wasn’t what my life was supposed to be. So why should I keep living it? I had a million answers to that question.
A part of me felt as though I just couldn’t keep on trying. Maybe on time I would wake up and say, “Hey, maybe I won’t try to kill myself today.” And then I could just be happy and live my life like everyone else. But no, that hadn’t happen yet. And it wouldn’t. I knew I needed to do this. So why didn’t I? I don’t know.
I tried to make myself not pay attention to the road, thinking of a billion more ways I could kill myself on this road. There was a bridge coming up, a stoplight, I could surge at any point, I could shut my eyes and drive. But still I cried hearing myself say that.
I tried to calm down, tell myself that I try again tomorrow. But then, fate did what I had been trying to do for so long.The crash. The smashing of the cars. The sound. And then its over. I'd finally lost the war within myself.I'd been defeated.