Let go

Who are we to judge each other? As humans we judge every thing we do in our lives. I never knew that an accident could change the way people think, and act. We could never be the same after events.

The February wind came sweeping past my left cheek. It felt like a knife cutting into my bare skin. It didn’t seem right. It should be a slight sting, not pain. Everything is going wrong in my life. The wind was nothing compared to what I am going through.
During life you reach a breaking point where everyone thinks that they are helping you, but just pushing closer to the edge. I was at that stage and it sucked.
“Hey Grace, wait up!” shouted Levi.
I looked back and gave him a death stare more then a stare of boredom.
“Hey, how come you weren’t at the movie on Saturday?” He asked while catching up with my long strides.
“You know how I feel about movies”
“Ah, come on you love movies!”
“Used to love movies”
“Come on, you would have loved it! It was about the war….”

He didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence. I pinned him to the ground with anger. I was shocked at what I did. I wasn’t the only person though. Levi’s eyes where wide open.
“You know how I feel about the war!” I cried towards him.
“Grace, I am sorry I didn’t mean to...”
“You out of all people should now how I feel about wars!” My tears came down like waterfalls. I couldn’t hold them back any longer.
I finally had the strength to let go of him. I sat down on the cold sidewalk and just started to cry my eyes out.

The people across the street probably thought it was weird to see a young girl crying on the other side of the road. I didn’t care; I stopped caring a long time ago.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…” I stammered this, so chocked up on my tears. I couldn’t talk. I was so disappointed in how I turned out to be. It felt like eternity when I was crying, but something broke that feeling. I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. I looked up and saw Levi with comfort in his honey- do eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go that far” I told Levi while trying to get up.
“Hey it is okay I probably shouldn’t have mentioned it, next time you can beat me up.” He said while pulling me up from the cold dusty sidewalk.

I was quiet for a moment. Not sure what to say next. What could I do, I was so embarrassed of how I acted. I could feel the blood rushing towards my pale cheeks.

We walked home in silence for the rest of the walk. Levi surprised me when we arrived at my house. He leaned forward and d gave me a gentle kiss and a long hug. Before he let go of me he whispered something into my ears. My eyes widened when He told me this. Before I could respond he slipped away onto the sidewalk.
“Did he really believe that?” I thought as I slipped inside the cherry okay door frame.

Ever since Jason left for the army my house has been dumped up side down. My parents argue a lot more, my younger siblings won’t talk anymore, and I was lost in my own world. A world of depression. I would sometimes stop eating for a period of time. I had enough of it. Later that night when everyone finally fell asleep I snuck outside into the frosty February night.

Once I got outside I ran as fast as my feet could carry me. Tears stinging my rose red cheeks. Nothing could stop me, I was finally free. I was so choked up on my own tears that I didn’t realize where I was until I felt the chilly wind on my bare skin.

Funny, how sometimes you end up somewhere you would least expect it? I looked down and subbed. I was standing at my brother’s grave. I still blamed myself for Jason’s death. If only I had tried harder to persuade him to stay home. They called it an accident. it felt more then that. I felt like I was responsible. I was the last person to see him alive in my family.

I was told by many people to let go of it and let go of him, but I find myself asking a question over and over again, but how do I let go? It seemed so easy in books and movies. It felt like he could never forgive me. I am pretty sure no one can.
The air got colder every minute. I could feel my fingers getting numb. I couldn’t move. My body decided for me. I was just lying there alone. For hours without end. My defense finally kicked in after a couple of hours. I soon felt myself curl up into a tight ball, crying. I was alone by my brother’s grave. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. A girl alone in a cemetery by a grave crying. I felt like I was buried beneath the earth, not my brother. All the pain and suffering was finally eating me alive.
I closed my eyes and just laid there. It felt like hours to me, perhaps maybe weeks. I opened my eyes and felt a single tear go down my cheek. My last tear was the most painful one of all. I had finally let go of my brother after all of these months. I swore I thought I heard my brother whisper in my ear.
“It’s okay Grace, I forgive you.”

I was found later that day by Levi. I could tell that he was searching for me all day and night. The bags under his eyes told it all. He picked me up, like as if I was a fragile doll. He cradled me for a moment or so.
“Levi, you where right” I whispered with the voice I had left.
“I would like to say I told you so, but that would seem so cruel to say to you.” His grip got tighter as soon as he replied back. As if he was afraid I was going to disappear again.
“Thank you Levi.”
“No Grace you shouldn’t thank me.”
“Why not?”
“Because I never did anything, you’re the one that overcame it all.”

We where silent for a moment as if we where afraid of disturbing the dead.
“Levi?”
“Yeah?”
“Let’s go home.”
“Good idea there.” He told me while carrying me out of commentary.

I learned that day that running away from your past and problems won’t do any good to you. Funny how one little accident can open up someone’s eyes for the first time.





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