To Keep Him With Me

March 19, 2010
I look beautiful. My hair is in micro braids, half up and half down. The braids are dark brown, but the tips of the braids are a light caramel color. My dress is sea foam green with just a tint of blue, the colors blending so well together. With the big gorgeous fluffs surrounding my waist and below, I feel as though I am in the sea, calmed and relaxed. My necklace is a seashell, matching my dress and completing the ocean look. My two inch heels are the same color as my dress, but my nails are black. I thought they should be a light color, but my older sister told me the black nails were the right way to go. She’s the fashionable one, so what she says goes.


As I stare at myself in the mirror, he walks in behind me, looking amazing in his tuxedo. He puts his hands on my shoulders and smiles at our reflections. He has a smile that stops traffic. It’s so beautiful and blinding, and it has his blue eyes twinkling like stars. Something as small as a simple smile changes this boy’s appearance, making me adore him even more.


“You look utterly amazing,” he whispers in my ear, making my skin tingle.


“Thank you,” I say quietly, putting my hand over his, which lies nicely on my shoulder.


We stand there for a moment, just like that, enjoying each other’s company. He’s the perfect guy and I couldn’t have come with anyone else even if I wanted to. He’s perfect… he’s all mine…


He takes my hand and we leave the room. I close the door behind me and we slowly descend down the stairs. Everyone stops and stares as we walk, making me feels like Cinderella at the ball, my Prince Charming leading me to my prom.


The whole time, we dance and sing along to the music playing. We take pictures with friends and enjoy one of the best nights of our lives. Our theme is a Night in Hollywood, so we walk around like stars, posing for pictures here and there. I smile and laugh so much the whole time, it makes my cheeks hurt, but having him by my side the whole time helps me to forget such minor pain.


And just like that, prom is over with. It was over as fast as it began. We say good-bye to our friends and he walks me out to his car. It’s late, but I don’t want to go home yet and he understands that. He wants to be with me for as long as I want to be with him, which is forever in my book, but I know that it can’t be.


He doesn’t take me home. He takes me to a hill that overlooks the city. On the hill are small trees and bushes, where we will be hidden from the world. No one can find there. It’s our secret hiding place, a place he’s willing to share with me, just because he loves me that much.


I step out of the car and go closer to the edge, but not too close. I stay behind as he walks to the very edge.



He turns to see me so far away. “Why are you there?” he asks me, his voice making me melt in my heels.


“I’m afraid of heights,” I say, a secret I couldn’t tell just anyone. But he is special. I can share anything with him.


He smiles and walks back to me. He grabs my hands. “Do you trust me?”


Of course I trust him! I love him, which to me means I can trust him with my life. But I don’t say all of this. I just nod my head and return his wonderful smile.


“Then come with me.”


And I do go with him. Slowly, my hands in his, we walk to the very edge of the hill.


My breath catches in my throat as I look below. He feels the fear escaping my body, like air escaping from a beach ball. He puts his arms around my waist, and suddenly, I feel so much better. He has me and he won’t let me fall. He won’t let anything bad happen to me. He couldn’t.


Knowing I’m in safe hands, I look again out into the city. The lights make everything so breathtakingly beautiful. How can such a small town be so gorgeous at night?


“It’s beautiful,” I hear myself say. At least I think I said it. I could have sworn I it was in my mind.


If I did think it, then he must be a mind reader, because I hear words form on his lips next to my ear, “Not as beautiful as you are. Never as beautiful as you are.”


No one had ever said that to me and meant it. I know he means it. Something about his tone, the smile in his voice, makes me believe him. I’m so sure a smile too big for my face appears, but I don’t care. I love this guy. He makes me feel so great, so much better about myself. He allows me to think I’m wonderful, gorgeous, and capable of loving and being loved.


We go back to his car, but instead of starting the car and taking off, he kisses me. It takes me by surprise because it’s such a deep kiss. As much as I love him, as much as I am sure of it, I stop it before it goes any further.


“What’s wrong?” he asks concern in his voice.


I’m afraid to tell him. What if he doesn’t want me anymore? “I’m not ready for… that,” I say in a small voice.


He’s quiet for a moment. That’s it. I know I’ve screwed up. But to my next surprise, he laughs and turns my face to his. “I’m not either,” he says as serious as can be. “But even if I was, I’m glad you told me. I would never force you into something you didn’t want to do.”


The smile that’s too big for my face is back again. He cares for me so much and respects me. And again… he’s mine, all mines. It sounds selfish, but at this precious moment, I really don’t care.


He kisses me again, and this time when the kisses become deeper, I’m not afraid. He keeps his promise. He doesn’t try anything at all that would make me feel uncomfortable, and I adore and love him even more for being a gentleman, for loving me, for thinking about me and not just himself.


Tender moments pass, and I still feel so safe with him. And yet, something is wrong… I just can’t put my finger on it. And then it hits me. I’m slowly puling away from him.


Of course, he can’t feel me pulling away from him. Everything is normal for him. I start to cling to him, but I can still feel myself pulling away.


“Hey, hey,” he says, looking at me, seeing the worry on my face. “What’s wrong now? Is it something I did?”


“No,” I said, tears forming in my eyes. “I… I…” How could I explain this to him? He’d never believe me because I’d never believe me.


“You can tell me,” he says, softly kissing my tears away, making me hate myself for the stupid situation that was about to happen.


“I can’t,” I say, waterworks exploding out of my eyes now. “I just can’t. Please, just trust me. Just… just hold me as tight as you can if you really love me.”



He pulls my closer and doesn’t let go, but I still feel myself pulling away from him. I cling to him as though my life depends on it, which in the moment, it actually does. But I know that even if I cling to him so hard that it feels as though we are one person, it’s still not going to stop what’s happening next.

??


“Jasmine,” someone says, gently shaking me awake. “Jasmine, it’s time to go.”


I get up and look around my classroom. Of course it was all a dream. It was always just a dream.


My best friend watches me get up slowly out my desk. “The dream again?” she says quietly so no one can hear us.


I just nod my head. I’ve been having this same dream for as long as I can remember, even before I had met him, which was very weird. The more I have the dream, the more it hurts to know he will never actually be mine. I thought having the dream so many times meant that we would be together one day. But now, I think it’s just the cruel Fates playing an awful, horrific trick on me for their entertainment.


As we leave the school building and head for my friend’s car, I bump into someone by accident. As always, I wasn’t watching were I was going. I pick up the book that fell from the boy’s hands and give it back to him.


When I look into his face to apologize, my breath catches in my throat. It’s him. My dream guy. He smiles the wondrous smile I see every time I dream of him. “Its okay, Jasmine,” he says as he takes the book. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then he turns around and heads for his car.


Hope. It’s shining its ugly head. Hope bubbles and rises in me when he says my name. Just the fact that he knows my name sends me over the edge. This boy is marvelous, so rattling, that it amazes me he could notice someone like me.


The terrible Fates rise again as I see his girlfriend come over and kiss him tight and hold on to him as though he will float away if she lets go. She’s aware of me looking, I know she is. She let’s go, says something to him, then hops in his car. They drive right pass me and my friend, his girlfriend giving me an eye that told me where I should go. He doesn’t notice his demonic girlfriend’s possessive attitude towards any girl that looks at him the wrong way.


As my friend drives me home, telling me about her day, I sit in the passenger seat and wonder why. Why am I in love with this boy? He knows I exist, but I can never be with him. And his girlfriend is so horrible. Does he see it? And if he does, why is he still with her? He deserves way better.


I hate this. He will never feel the same love I feel for him. He will always be with the she-devil. I wonder if he knows that I think about him every night, that he’s the reason I love school. Seeing him everyday lifts my spirits up, even if he doesn’t say one word to me.


I wonder… I wonder if he knows that since I can never have him, since he’ll never be mine, my dreams are the only way that I can ever truly keep him with me.





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katie-cat said...
May 29, 2010 at 7:20 am
I liked it.  It was pretty good, and it really does relate to girls everywhere.
 
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