March 18, 2010
By Anonymous

“Make it stop! For the love of my abs, make it stop!!” Max shrieked as the EMTs tried to diagnose the illness.

“Please calm down sir,” the female EMT pleaded “You will be at the hospital soon!”

“The entire world is spinning,” Max screamed again “I don’t want to die! I don’t deserve to die!” He clutched the side of the stretcher as his spray-tanned orange face turned ghastly white. Every sense being felt by Max’s brain was malfunctioning; sounds were shrill, smells were overpowering and came and went frequently, and his vision was like he was trapped inside a blender. His mind flashed back to earlier in the night, when he and his girlfriend had a massive fight, and he nearly put his fists through the drywall of his loft. “I want to call my girlfriend,” he moaned as the paramedics continued to attempt to restrain him “I need him.”

“Wait,” the male paramedic paused “Didn’t you just say girlfriend?”

“Yes,” Max sighed

“Then why did you say you need HIM?” the female EMT broke in.

“Uh…Well, because…because I am in such distress right now, just get me to the hospital.”

“Uh-huh, I’m sure that’s why,” the male paramedic replied sarcastically “But at any rate, we will be at the hospital in just a few more minutes. Just hang in there sir.” Max simply looked in his direction and groaned before he laid his head back down on the stretcher, his energy finally depleted.

The female EMT sensed the awkward silence approaching and began to talk “So sir, uh, what’s your name? My name is Sybil.”

Max gripped the stretcher tighter as the ambulance made a sharp turn before answering. “The name is Max,” he paused “Max Powers. And I was the fittest man on the planet until tonight.”

“Max, you never were really clear when we asked you,” the male EMT began to ask “What exactly is wrong with you?”

Max put his hands over his eyes and didn’t respond for a moment. “I am so dizzy, it’s like my head is going the opposite direction of my body. And it is giving me horrible nausea.”

“And for this,” the male EMT interrupted “You felt like you needed to call 911?”

“Yeah, so?”

“So it is only vertigo; nothing more than a case of the dizzies. Its not something to call an ambulance for.”

Max paused for a moment before lifting his head up to face the EMTs sitting at the front of the ambulance. “How can you be so sure,” he said, his strong voice shaking “I mean, I thought I was having a seizure or something.”

“Not if you can scream and squirm like that,” the female EMT chuckled “You were screaming like a five-year old girl; you can’t speak if you are having a seizure. You couldn’t have called 911 if you were having a seizure.”

Max sat up in his stretcher, put his feet on the floor of the ambulance, and sighed. “Wow,” he said exasperated “I feel like a major idiot. Like, I feel bad for you people that you had to deal with me….even if you did get to gaze upon, and even feel my amazing abs.” The two EMTs didn’t chuckle, chortle, or smile; they were too irritated about Max wasting their time. “So,” Max stuttered “Can you guys be cool, turn around, and, uh, take me home?”

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