Getting Past it All

February 28, 2010
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“I want to be able to see them again. You just don’t understand the pain and hurt every August when the twenty-sixth comes and we have to go down to see their grave. You can’t possibly understand how much I want to take back all the things that I said to him, and say all the things I never tried to fit in- All the missed chances and all the missed moments that would make them more vivid in my mind. If only I hadn’t left like that, maybe it was my fault that he let go. What if I’m the reason?” It dawned on me. What if I was the reason…? “What if in my kidding way when I said ‘I don’t love you Grandpa!’ he just stopped trying to fight it back. What if-“

“Shut up!” Lizzy interrupts me. I break down and sink to the ground, crying for the loss of them and holding onto the hope that someday I may get to see them again.

“I can’t! How many people have you lost! How many people have you buried! How many people were your last words ‘I don’t love you!’ Tell me that Liz! How many!?!” I choke out.

“You were joking. Hannah, we both know that he knew that you were just playing; you were carrying on a game.”

“You didn’t answer me!”

“None.” She whispers- murmurs actually. I’m not supposed to hear that- but I do.

“Then you can’t tell me that you know what he knew or you know what I feel or that you know anything about what’s going through my head and my heart! I want to scream bloody murder and attack the doctors who didn’t fix him and I want to cry until I can never cry again. I want to go back in time and go see my Grandma more while she was in the nursing home- slowly losing her mind; I want to pull out my hair and I want to beat my chest but I can’t!!! I just can’t!”

“Those things aren’t going to change anything.”

“I KNOW! I know! i know…” I just stop talking; there isn’t anything more I can say. I feel like I’m being ripped apart from the inside out. That the world is laughing at me because I’m going through a hard time. I am torn between weeping and being really violent. But the thing is I have to be strong for my mom. They were her parents not mine- but they were my grandparents- they were mine. But if I’m crying- she’ll cry. If I’m strong- she’ll be strong. If I’m there for her- she’ll survive. I’m flabbergasted and mortified and winded as if I’ve run thirty miles all at the same time. I’ve got a backwards head and an inside-out heart. And nobody can understand me. I try and try and try but each person I go to never really gets it; they try to say the right words and they try to get it but they never do. They never do. My parents always say that time will heal all wounds but it’s been three years and every time I see that picture- the one of the two of them and me- that sits in my room I just want to cry. I want to huddle up on my bed; with the blankets pulled over my head; with teddy bears surrounding me- that just listen to the whimpers and hug my shaking body. I want to be engulfed by silence and I want the silence to never come. Something has to help; someone has to get here to help me.

“Hannah….” I’m still out in my daze- out in la-la land; in Hannah’s-make-believe-world-where-nothing-is-wrong-world. “Hannah?” I begin to wake up out of my daydream. “HAnnAH!” She snaps her fingers in front of my face. I grab them. Push them down. And turn away. “Hannah! You can’t do this alone!”

“I have so far haven’t I?”

“Touché. But now you have someone who can help.”

“Help with what?” She sighs and turns away; leaving me to my thoughts again. I slip gently back into the make-believe world. Softly I land into pillows of discomfort and pain; they shield me from the world that is busily running their fast-paced lives all around me. The world that never takes time to stop and look at the daisies or stop to watch the stars or stop smell the pastries; they just hurry around, ignoring the fact that their life is passing them and they never realize at any moment everything can be snatched away from you without notice. You could lose a job or a house or your life. They need to stop. Right now it’s only high school and they make it like it’s the end of the world if you don’t pass this test or it you forget this piece of homework. Whatever. If you look past this moment into the future it won’t matter if you messed up on some silly test or if that boy broke up with you for some other girl or if you even were a loser in high school and got shoved into lockers. It just doesn’t matter. And to all those people who run around and miss out on their lives- just stop. Smile when there is no reason and dance when there is not a note in the air and sing off key. It just doesn’t matter. For every person who told you that you weren’t or can’t be good enough- push them away and tell yourself that what I am is always good enough. I can make MYself better- but they can’t. Going through everything I’ve learned so much. I’ve been taught the hard way that nobody can make me inferior only I can do that. And no one can take away the moments of pure happiness that make me want to cry and relive because I had a true smile on my face. I’ve learned that no matter what I say things won’t change themselves. I have to do that. With everything in my memory banks- locked away in a secret place- I move forward. Not forgetting the past, not forgetting the pain and sadness but using those to make myself stronger, wiser and an all around better person. That’s my choice. I still miss them so much. Losing a Grandpa to cancer in the Kidney and a Grandma to Alzheimer has made me realize that they aren’t here because that’s God’s plan. Because they are his beloved and his children they were taken from this busy, crazy and painful world to be in peace and comfort in Heaven. With Him. Even though I miss them so much still and every time people bring them up I want to cry; I know that they are safe and sound… and loved right where they are. And that makes it okay for now. People don’t understand anything about it and they may never actually get my suffering but I’ll be able to live on. Not for my mom, not for those in Heaven but for myself. For every moment that is meant to come for me. And for the moments I’ve let pass. My life around me is changing, I’ve begun to slow down and notice more things that make our world beautiful and with Heaven’s loving eyes watching down upon me I will become a girl of beauty and grace that shines a light to all those around me.

“Hannah.” AHHHH!!!! There she goes again interrupting me! And I was finally starting to get the plans laid out for me. I was finally starting to get- “Hannah. The bell just rung. Are you going to class or are you going to stare at that cold, hard tile all day?”

“Oh. My bad. I was just… coming to grips with some stuff.” I wiped tears away from my clouded eyes and shook out my brown hair. Standing up- I moved my body towards my science stuff. “On to first bell… I guess.”

“Atta girl. What you “come to grips” with anyway? Anything I can help with?”

“Naw. Just me being me and finally getting that my Grandparents are actually happy where they are. That they don’t hurt anymore. That I will get to see them again. And not a thing in this world can bring me down.” She just smiles because she knows that my crying is done for now and this time I won the battle. I did it by myself and I armed myself for the battles of my future and I’ll be ready and I’ll be waiting. And thankfully I have some people here to help. And finally, maybe, I’ll let them in.

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