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Diary of a Teenage Sociopath (Part 1) In the Beginning
“Inside every one of us, there is a dark side.
Most people rise above it, but some are consumed by it.
Until there is nothing left, but pure evil.”
No pain. No joy. No emotion.
That’s my life. I wake up every morning different then everyone else. When I walk through the halls of the psyche ward, I hear the screams of my fellow inmates, yet I feel nothing. I’m used to it; I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. I suppose your wondering how I ended-up on the eighth floor of a nut-house behind the doors that say “secure ward”. I am a Sociopath. And for those of you who don’t know what that means, the literal definition is, without emotion or morals.
My name is Erin, and I am sixteen years old. I was adopted when I was five by a young couple in Phoenix; my parents had been killed in a car accident when I was two, or at least that’s what they told me. My life has always been a constant game of trying to get the people around me to think that I am normal. And I seemed to be pretty good at it. It was almost fun.
My daily routine started when I woke up. I would do every thing a normal person would do, take a shower, brush my hair and my teeth, and I would always practice my emotions. I would sit there for ten minutes trying different smiles, seeing which one looked more natural, I’d try to make my laugh sound good too, but laughing has always been hard for me to pull off.
This morning I woke up shivering. When I looked at my clock, it said 5:30 a.m.; I didn’t have to get up for another half an hour. I tried to go back to sleep, but when that failed, I decided to get up early and do my “smile exercises” as I called it. As I walked to the bathroom, I noticed that every one seemed to be asleep. I tried different smiles in the mirror until I found one that suited me. I heard a quiet knock on the door and the voice of my little sister, “Erin? Is that you in there? What are you doing?” I sighed, irritated. “What do you want Lilly!” I hissed at her as I opened the door. She jumped startled “I-I-I just had to go to the bathroom.” I took a deep breath trying to calm myself. “You shouldn’t even be up yet.”
She looked at me surprised. “But it’s 6:30?”
I looked at the clock that hung in the hallway, and sure enough, it said 6:30.
“Oh. Alright.” I said as I walked towards my room, still irritable. I could feel Lilly watching me as I walked away.
I closed the door behind me when I entered my room. Lilly’s constant chattering and nosiness was getting on my nerves. I was going to have to do something about her. I thought about different ways to get rid of her as I got dressed. When I was done I went down stairs to eat breakfast, ’hum, I could always just push her down the stairs.’ I thought morbidly.
At breakfast, my parents were talking excitedly about our up-coming Christmas party. I thought sounded it like a good challenge, to try to get every one to like me.
“Erin, can you drive Lilly to school today.” My mother asked. I saw Lilly’s eyes widen.
“Sure.” I said as cheerily as I could manage. “But why aren’t you taking her?”
“Oh, I have a big meeting at work today.”
“Oh, ok.” I was done with breakfast so went to get my backpack. When I walked past Lilly, she noticeably leaned away from me. Yep, I was definitely going to have to get rid of her. She was a threat. Somehow, she knew my secret. She always had.
When I had gotten my backpack, I waited by the door for Lilly. I looked at the clock, we were running late, so I decided to go and get her. She was in her room talking to our mom.
“Lilly relax, your being ridiculous. She was just in a bad mood that’s all.” My mother said reassuringly.
“But mommy, there is something wrong with her.” She said, almost panicky.
“How could you say something like that about your own sister? Now stop being so rude and go down stairs.”
“But I don’t want to be alone with her!”
I cleared my throat to make myself known. Lilly spun around in alarm. “Um, we should probably get going or we’re going to be late.” I said trying to hide my fury-which is the only emotion I can feel.
“Lilly, go down stairs so I can talk to your sister alone.” My mother said harshly. Lilly turned and went dawn stairs without speaking.
My mother turned to me. “How much did you hear?” she asked.
“Not that much.” I lied.
“Good. Are you still ok with taking her?”
“Yes. I think I need to talk to her. We’re going to be late. See you later.” I turned and walked away.
On the way to Lilly’s school, we drove mostly in silence. When we pulled up to the school, Lilly had the door open before the car had even come to a complete stopped. I grabbed her wrist as she turned to get out, “Wait a second Lilly. I want to talk to you for a minute.” I could see her breathing speed up.
“About what?” she said it almost in a whisper.
“I just wanted to say,” I hesitating for affect. “You know, it would be really easy for you to trip and fall down the stairs.” I made my voice menacingly low.
She looked at me shocked. “What do you mean?” she said hesitantly.
“I gust mean that you should watch your step.” I squeezed her wrist as I said it. I dropped my façade gust long enough to see the fear in her eyes. I let her go. ”You should get to class.” I shot her a menacing smile. She gulped, got out and ran towards the school.
When I got to school I was half an hour late. When I got class the teacher said,”It was nice of you to join us Ms. Fuller. I’ll expect you to stay after school and make up for your missed time.” I sat down without looking at him. After class I explained, as nicely as could, that I had to pick up my sister after school and that I could not attend detention. He agreed that I could do it some other time and let me go.
The rest of the day passed without incident, until English. At the beginning of class, the teacher announced that there was a new student. She gave the new girl the only open seat in class, the one next to me. I sighed and moved my bag so she could sit. “Hello,” the girl said as she sat down. “Hi.” I gave her a fake smile, hoping that she would stop talking to me. “My name is Nicky. What’s yours?”
“Erin” I said simply, hoping that she would sense that I didn’t want to talk to her.
“Erin, that’s a nice name.” I didn’t answer, and she stopped talking after that.
It was time to pick up Lilly after English. I took my time. I didn’t mind if she had to wait for a while. I was half way to the parking lot when Nicky came walking up. I sighed, very irritated.
“Hi Erin.” She said smiling.
“Nicky.” I didn’t look at her.
“Are you heading home?” she said.
“No. I have to go pick up my sister.”
“Oh you have a sister?”
“I am.” I didn’t know why I had such a hard time acting in front of her. I had never had any one, except my foster parents, ask me so many questions in such a short time before. And I didn’t like it. “Look I have to go. She’s waiting for me,” I said dismissively.
“Oh, ok.” She turned and walked away.
I pulled out of the parking lot muttering to myself, ‘Man, I blew that one. It’s her fault; she asks too many questions. I wonder if she knows?’. By the time I got to Lilly’s school, I was furious. She was on the curb in front, waiting. I was almost surprised she hadn’t tried to walk home. She stood up as I came to a stop, but she didn’t get in. I rolled down the window, “Are you coming or not?” I hissed. She jumped and got in. I pulled out a little to fast, just missing a parked car.
As soon as we pulled up to the house Lilly had the door open.
“Lilly,” she stopped and looked at me, “remember what I said.” She nodded and got out. I followed her to the door. When we were inside, Lilly dropped her backpack on a chair and started looking for our mother. I followed her. We found her in the living room, cleaning. She looked up and smiled at us, “Hey girls, how was school?” Lilly hesitated, “good.” My mom looked at me, “How about you?” I shrugged.
“Lilly, why don’t you go change? I want to talk to your sister.” Mom said. Lilly looked relived and ran away.
“So did you talk to her?” she asked me.
“Ya. I think we worked things out.”
She smiled, “That’s good. I don’t know what got into her.”
I smiled back, “ya, I don’t know.”
The rest of the day passed without incident.*
To be contiued
See part 2