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Impulsive Planning

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I never really put too much thought into how I would spend the upcoming years of my life. I remember back to 6th grade, my class had a career counselor spend one week with us. She was “helping” us decide our fate. However, I doubt closing your eyes and randomly selecting an index card with a pre-chosen profession pasted on the front will automatically insure yourself a job in that field. I was supposed to become a marine biologist with my best friend, Ashley. Only three flaws, I hate oceans (sure, they are pretty from a distance, of at least 15 feet.) I hate sea creature and the ever present aquatic plant life, (who enjoys turtle nibbles, or entangling yourself in seaweed?) Lastly, I. Can’t. Swim. Maybe I should have peaked at the cards, I should have chosen Career Counselor. I could have helped others decide what I, to this day, cannot. I guess that explains why I am where I am at today. At the moment, I’m in the back of a beat up, rusted out community bus. It reeks of body odor and cheap leather seating. Jayda Rain is fast asleep in my exhausted arms. I am not too sure where I am going. Only one thing I’m for certain, I. Am. Getting. The. F***. Out. Of. Michigan.

I ended up becoming impregnated last year. I was head over heels in love with Brad, and he was in love with me too. At least, I though he was, up until the moment I blurted out my secret, Little baby Jayda. He dumped me on the very same park bench that he asked me out on during my sophomore year. Last year was absolutely terrible, I was speeding down my fast track path straight to hell. My behavior came to a screeching halt when the little pink plus sign on my at home test started to mock me. Then between morning sickness, two jobs, high school and college….I wanted so badly to cause physical harm to myself. I almost wish I would have done myself in, I wouldn’t be an emotional wreck in public right now. I’m supposed to be a junior today. I’m supposed to be taking ACT’s and SAT’s with my friends, going to shopping malls, movies, and beaches. I wonder if my friends even miss me? I doubt it, they probably found a new girl to fill my spot. I bet they held auditions. I don’t doubt that at all.

I stayed home all during last summer. I was a beluga whale, I could have eaten Shamoo for lunch. I hated my appearance. That whole “pregnant glow” was a lie. I. Was. Fat. I’m naturally a tiny girl, five foot two, blonde hair, striking blue eyes. And I weight almost one hundred pounds. I gained way more then the expected thirty for Jayda. I prayed that Jayda was going to be a forty five pound baby, she came out maybe eight? So all summer, I watched the grass grow from my daybed, through a big picture glass window. I lived vicariously through the birds. Until one day the birds where gone. They went south for the winter. The leaves started falling off the trees, one by one dying. Ready to start over, start brand new. That is what I am doing now. Today, as I sit on this bus, my high school is starting a new year. I would be a junior, but I won’t. I’m not stepping foot anywhere near that property. Sad I just up and left behind what I’ve known all my life. All of the comforts I used to find solace in. I told not a soul, I’m sure my parents will be worried sick, loosing their only child and her baby with out even a note to say “I love you, goodbye.”

My parents, those poor people. They had put up with me and all of my shenanigans since I was five. See, Carol and Bill are my adoptive parents. They decided to adopt when they found out the breaking news of their incompatible chromosomes. They couldn’t possibly produce their own little dumplings, no matter how hard they tried. Believe me, they TRIED. I came into their life at the tender age of five and a half. When I first told them I was knocked up, I expected them to be raging mad, I expected them to beat me and the fetus inside me half to death. They run a strict house, with very restrictive rules, I had broken one of the most important. However, they smiled, and they cried. They cried tears of happiness. They were excited for me and my soon to be baby. WTF gives?!? Aren’t parents supposed to be upset with outcomes like this? Shouldn’t they have grounded me until I was thirty? I don’t understand their logic, and that is why I am leaving.

Bill and Carol where more then helpful, more then supportive. They paid for an addition onto the house, they painted the nursery pastel, with friendly animals and baby décor. Bought a brand new crib, and all of the furnishings, boxes and boxes of the baby essentials, like diapers and formulas. They wanted me to continue high school, graduate, and move on to college. They would watch Jayda, I didn’t even need to get a job. Most teenage moms would be in love with this scenario, they’d have their cake and eat it to. I’m not sure why this bothers me, but it did. I didn’t purposely go out and get myself pregnant just to watch them freak out about what to do with an attention needy child. Someone who was so desperate for affection. That isn’t me at all. I swear.

What kills me is how much they love Jayda. They act like she is theirs. I know they wanted children, they wanted to have and to hold a baby, raise it up in a good community with a strong Christian background. But that is not the lifestyle I want for my child. I couldn’t stress it enough. Jayda was my child, I love her more then any other mother could even possibly love their baby. I went through so much to give her life, and I am more then appreciative of God for choosing me to belong to her. So this is why I am leaving behind all my comforts. So Jayda and I can find our own. Start over, brand new like the leaves after winter. When the birds come out in spring. So as the sun starts to rise, and Jayda wakes up, she gurgles and giggles at me, laying in my arms. I kiss her little pink nose, and I whisper to her where we are going. I’m not too sure where it is exactly, but I know we will one day call it home.





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