Turn Right

December 23, 2009
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Turn Right

(David and Amy sit in a car. David is driving. It’s about two a.m. David looks over at Amy, who is asleep, and then switches on the GPS.)

GPS: Turn off at next exit.
Amy: (groans) Will you turn that thing off.
David: Sorry. I just wanted to check that it was working. Didn’t mean to wake you—
Amy: Well, you did. Where are we, anyway?
David: Well, according to Ella—I mean, the GPS system we—
Amy: Hold on. What did you call that thing?
David: The GPS system.
Amy: No you didn’t. You called it Ella.
David: If you knew the answer, then why did you ask?
Amy: That shouldn’t be the answer, that’s why. (pause) Well, aren’t you going to say anything?
David: No.
Amy: So you don’t even want to talk to me, now. You’d probably rather talk to the GPS!
David: It’s a machine!
Amy: Which is exactly why you shouldn’t name it! How do you think that will sound?
David: I don’t think it will sound like anything. And besides, the important thing is that we get there. Which is why I turned…the GPS system…on in the first place, since my navigator fell asleep.
Amy: Well, I’m sorry that I get tired at two in the morning! After all, it’s not my fault we can’t afford to stay at a hotel for the night.
David: Oh no? Well I’d sure like to know who maxed out the credit card, then.
Amy: Would you? Well, I’d like to know where you “misplaced” your checkbook, for that matter. Why are you putting your turn signal on here?
David: Because El—the GPS system said to turn off at the next exit.
Amy: Well, your little grey box is wrong. Stay on this road here until you get to Highway 48. Then you turn off.
David: The GPS said to come this way, I think it knows what it’s talking about.
Amy: And I don’t? I’ve got the map right here in front of me! Turn that signal off!
David: Amy—
Amy: Turn it off, David! I’m your wife, and you’d rather listen to that machine!
David: At least the machine has an “Off” button.
Amy: Well, if you wanted a Stepford Wife, why didn’t you say that when we got married?
David: You know, maybe I should have!
Amy: Well, you know, it would be awfully nice for me to have a husband who will actually talk to me once in a while and—
David: It’d be really nice for me to have a wife who didn’t nag me all the time!
Amy: I wouldn’t have to nag if you did things right the first time. Don’t turn!
David: Fine! You know what? Fine! I went straight! You happy yet? Huh?
Amy: If you think that just doing this will make me happy, then you have so much to learn.
David: Whatever.
(Long pause.)
Amy: Pull over up here.
David: Why?
Amy: I’ll drive for a little while.
David: I’m okay, I—
Amy: No, it’s okay. You’ve done most of the driving so far, I’ll take a turn. We’ll work as a team.
David: Fine.
(David pulls over and the two switch positions.)
David: You know the directions, right?
Amy: Get to Highway 48, then what?
David: It looks like you take the exit onto Stanford and just keep going til you reach the house.
Amy: Alright.
(David sleeps as Amy pulls out. Time elapses. It’s about 3:40 a.m.)
Amy: There’s the exit. No, that’s not Stanford, that’s Weston Pike. Where’s Stanford? David? David!
(Amy shakes David.)
Amy: David! Wake up! I can’t find it! David!
David: Mmphh. Wha-?
Amy: The exit isn’t here! I’ve been driving for at least an hour! I can’t find it!
David: What do you mean? It’s got to be. Didn’t you follow the directions?
Amy: I’m following the directions, David. The exit to Stanford isn’t here!
David: Well-hey! Slow down!
Amy: What?
(Lights flash, siren starts.)
David: Good god! Could this trip get any worse?
(Amy pulls over. Policeman walks up to the window.)
Policeman: Where’re you two going in such a hurry?
Amy: (sigh) A Couple’s Counseling Retreat.

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