A wave of depression hit me. A strong sense of regret made its way through my heart. Realization brought me painfully back to reality as I thought of how I would reverse this. I had been so stupid to say such a hurtful thing. But at the time it seemed like the only guaranteed way to get them to shut up. I knew that what I had said would bring something unpleasant. But I never thought it would feel so bad to the extent that I would want to end life. To just disappear into thin air and to be ignored and forgotten for the rest of my life. I told her I didn’t love her. My mom, that is. She had been pestering about how I don’t do anything right and I didn’t want to hear and put up with it, so I told her I didn’t love her. I knew in my mind that it would be the only thing I had to say, and all would be quiet. But it was more than quiet. It was an eerie silence all through out the car ride. It was a silence that no noise could fill. It wasn’t the peaceful silence I wanted. There was tension between the both of us that I just couldn’t bear. My mom didn’t say anything as she parked the car in the driveway and left in a rush. She forgot the car keys with the house key on it but she still found a way to get in. I grab the keys and I enter the house just as I hear a door slam. Then there was silence. I wish I could fix everything that just happened; I know in my heart that I can only fix myself.
December 3, 2009