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"To be Thin"
Flush once, twice.
My after meal purges have become pretty regular, almost like clockwork. I walk over to the mirror to examine myself. My eyes were red and watery and my freckled cheeks were fat and colored cherry. What a piggy.
After “washing up”, I head towards more room, passing my dad at work in the study. He was slouched over the desk working on Sunday’s Sermon. I stood in the doorway, watching him flip through the variety of books that were laid out on the desk, jotting various things from the various works. He didn’t even notice me standing there, but it wasn’t a big deal. Dad always got that way when focusing on the word, or he liked to call it, “the message from the Lord”, the higher being who apparently spoke to him often.
I backed away from the door, moving towards my room. I reach my destination, and when I open the door I am hit with a blast from the past. The cotton candy walls taunt me, I’ve tried covering them with posters and what-not, only to fail, the mocking wall peeks out from under them. I stare at the ballerina figurines that live on the shelf above my computers. Each one is frozen in a position. I mirror the one with the white leotard, rounding my arms out in front of me and turning my feet outwards. I smile at her, showing her that I remember.
I take a bow and shift towards my bed, grabbing my book bag from the furry computer chair. I pull out my algebra book and try to start making sense of the equations, it was already the second week of school and I already had tons of homework.
Knock once, twice.
Lost in the numbers I hadn’t notice some was at the door until I heard a muffled, “Chas, let me in!” I pushed the never ending number maze to the side, and walked over to the door, letting the muffled voice in. I moved back to my bed, putting the book back in my lap, my sister following me. Tess waited for me to stop fidgeting before she told me what she wanted.
Tess, she was the pretty one, the smart one, the skinny one. Her skin was tan and even, unlike mine that was pale and blotchy. The tank top she was wearing, the maroon colored one with the silver sequins, showed off her perfect body. Tess was perfect; no wonder I was always being compared to her, not only at home, but at school and church too.
“Chas, hey Chassidy can I?” Her voice brought me back to reality.
“What, huh?” I managed to mumble.
“Can I borrow your gray sweater, I have a date with Stan and I want to look nice.”
“Yea sure,” I said faking a smile. “I mean it would look better on you anyway”, I thought to myself.
“Thanks sis”, Tess called out while shutting the door.
If only she knew, if only.
The hall is black, and loud with silence. The nothingness is suddenly broken by what seems to be a light, which appears at the end of the hallway.
Step once, twice, again and again.
I reach the light, and see that it is coming from inside of a mirror. Someone is trapped inside, but they are turned away from me, so I am not too sure who or what it is.
“Hello, do you need any help”, I call out to the stranger in the mirror. “Hello”, I say again, this time stepping closer. I must have startled them because they turned around pretty quickly, causing me to catch my breath. That’s when I realized, them was me, I was them.
Without really thinking I reach out, trying to grab hold of her. She looks at me and grabbing my arm and digging her nails into my skin. The pain shoots from my arm to my head, and back down to my toes. I feel blood running down my arm, leaving a trail. With her free hand she wipes up one of the red rivers, I can feel her bony finger touching my skin. She sticks the blood covered finger and her mouth, that’s when I try to scream, but I realize I am empty. The emptiness that lives inside of her is now in me. I shut my eyes tight, using all within me to work up the strength to get rid of it.
When I open my eyes I am back in my room. I look around making sure everything is in order. I wipe the sweat from my forehead and mess with the hair matted to my neck. I finally look down at my arm, no damage done. After I relax, I realize it was a dream, not real, not real at all.
The smell of bacon and eggs hit my face like a wave when I open the door, it makes my eyes water. It was Saturday, so that meant “Saturday Breakfast”.
“Oh Joy” I thought to myself while walking to the dining room, “yummy calories!”
I sat next to my dad; he was reading the paper, every so often making comments like, “When he was younger…” or “The youth these days….”, while chewing on a piece of bacon or taking a sip of coffee.
I looked down at the food my mom had placed in front of me, and my stomach went crazy, I felt hungry and full all the same time. I had to put the thoughts aside and take a bite from my plate, or someone would start asking questions. I took a deep breath and went to work. I felt like a brain surgeon cutting into someone’s head. After I finished most of my finger crossing breakfast, I excused myself, leaving half a piece of toast on my plate.
“You’re getting better at this”, I thought to myself while walking towards the bathroom.
The bathroom felt like a safe haven, almost like my sanctuary. Instead of pews and stained glass windows, I just had a toilet and a mirror. I turn on the sink, and let the water run. I got rid of everything, eggs and all. I had almost gotten used to the burn it left in my throat. I flushed twice and walked over the sink, finishing my ritual. I splashed the cold water in my face, but when I looked in the mirror it was her. She was out, out of head, and in the mirror.
Her dark eyes held my gaze, like she was trying to read me. She gave me a sinister smile, showing off her sharp teeth that could be used to rip skin. I reach out to touch her, but remember, and put my hand back down. I nod my head, and letting her know she is in charge.