HA:VE Confused Between Hate & Love

December 12, 2009
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My name is a mystery just like me, it shall never be spoken of until my case is closed, I am 16 and what happened to me shouldn’t have happened at all. Questions I ask myself everyday are am I beautiful? Am I worth it? Am I necessary? Am I important? Am I sexy? Am I smart? Am I brilliant? Am I capable? Simple words I did not know the answer to. Silly isn’t it. I must not be beautiful if a man is willing to treat me the way he does. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…He’s coming…
Chapter 1: Girl Meets Boy

Today was a horrible Tuesday; well at least until I met Bryan, he was the finest thing in sight. I was so engaged in his eyes, I didn’t notice where I was going. I ran into a locker, everyone fell out laughing but not Bryan. He was sweet and kind, I felt like a complete looser. Then the strangest thing happened Bryan came out of nowhere grabbed my books, helped me up, took my backpack which was ripped in half, and gave me his backpack. Then he said the most Sauvé and divan air thing, “pretty women shouldn’t have to carry large loads, let me take you to class.” My breath was taken away I was speechless like a giddy school girl.

As we were walking, he realized that I busted my eyebrow. He walked me to the nurse, then waited with me until she was done making sure my eyebrow was okay, found out I needed stitches. He was a complete gentleman, he offered to take me to the hospital, but I could hear my dad in the back of my head, so instead he waited with me until my parents came.
Chapter 2: The Date

It was a week after my accident, this Tuesday started off completely different; flowers were bright, and luminous. Bryan came and found me at my locker to make sure I was okay from my

I was heading to class, and Janey’s locker had a fluorescent glow, she was Bryan’s ex-girlfriend from two years ago. It was odd though, because she hadn’t been at school for over seven months, she was committed to a psych ward due to insanity. It was sad though because she would have been the first person to be something in her family, with straight A’s every year, with a promising career as a gymnast.
Chapter 3: Confused
What was he doing to me? Why was he doing this? Does he hate me? Does he love me? He must right? No I’m sure of it I think? He mustn’t love me? He must want to kill me? I am only sixteen. He is seventeen. I love him? I hate him? No I HA:VE him.

It was Monday no Tuesday I’m sure. Goodness I must have hit my head hard. I was walking to Mrs. Burkose class with Nini a nickname for Nina. He had walked over to me and gave me a kiss on my cheek and said I love you babe. I said I, I love you to Bryan. He whispered to me in my ear, “Mean what you say,” all I could do was smile, who knows what he would have done to me. Inside I wanted to bust out like someone else but I had to restrain myself I just, I just might have killed the boy. I basically always, come very close to dying when I’m around him. Maybe I should have let loose on him, let it be his turn.

As Nini and I went on to Mrs. Burkose class, I started to get the biggest migraine. I felt like a piece of my brain was getting ready to come out my ear. Just like that another memory gone, I couldn’t remember why my head was hurting, or why my face felt bruised. So I pull back my hair and everyone starts to stare at the side of my face I didn’t know what everyone was murmuring about. Girls looked scared for their lives, and the boys looked as if one of them did it. Mrs. Burkose sent me to the nurse. She looked concerned and fearful of what I had endured. I looked in the mirror and saw my face it was dark purple, all I could do was scream. I didn’t think about who did this to me, all I could think about was Bryan I started to feel different about him; I couldn’t remember why I was so angry with him. It must have been pretty stupid so I left it behind, kind of like President Bush left those Hurricane Katrina victims behind. I got scared with myself, if I could remember something like Hurricane Katrina victims, why couldn’t I remember what happened to my face and why I had such a big migraine. I mean I can remember something that doesn’t even affect me, why can’t I remember something that happened directly to me. This was my body that was bruised and harmed, but yet I can’t remember something that happened to it. Something that made me feel less attractive, and look less attractive, why the hell can’t I remember. Suddenly I started to think about Bryan wondering if he would stop being my boyfriend, if he would be mad and, and… well disown me as his girl, his boo, and any other thinkable pet name he called me. I wondered if I could still

HA:VE him, wait, I thought where did HA: VE come from I remember it spelled out with capital letters and a colon to separate the capital H and A from the capital V and E. Where did that word come from I can’t remember, God why can’t I remember where it came from, my heart rate rises and I pass out to the ground. Still passed out on the ground I begin to think of a sentence, “or would I go off on him for doing this to... never mind,” I couldn’t finish a sentence. I begin to see myself in a dark corner crying, what’s wrong with me, why am I crying. I feel a sudden shock go through my body; I went into cardio-arrest.

When I was in the hospital I started to get some flashbacks, one was of me falling to the ground. Another of me having a bloody nose. I couldn’t peace any of it together. But I do know this someone is beating me. I also know that they are not one on one fight that I know about. Someone is doing this intentionally.

My Mom and Dad wouldn’t let me go to school for a whole week, that made him very mad, Bryan said he was lost without me at school, he couldn’t concentrate at school. He said he couldn’t be without me for a long time, the truth is even though I couldn’t remember a lot I don’t think I could be without him for a long time either, but something was telling me different. I don’t know what to believe anymore, I can’t remember half of anything. I mean when it comes to school work I’m fine, but the details of my life I couldn’t remember. I forgot my sister’s birthday. I couldn’t remember my mom’s favorite color anymore. The only thing I truly remember is a man’s fist coming across my face, it was a white hand, to a point I was relieved it wasn’t a black man’s hand, because I was tired of hearing the stories of black men beating their women. But to a point I was concerned because my boyfriend was white. Could it, no, it couldn’t be it’s not possible is it. I would be better off without him I thought for a second. BAM! I found myself in a hospital again, I couldn’t remember anything. I forgot everything I had gathered. I didn’t know what I was working on anymore. “I need a break, my head hurts again,” I told my sister. I went upstairs and had a nightmare about a white man, he said to his girlfriend, “I am disappointed in the blue dress you wore and why aren’t you matching me in white,” his voice began to escalate in anger, “We agreed to wear white, and don’t tell me that dress was cheaper than the white one and, I DON’T GIVE A DAMN IF BLUE IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR!” He said to himself, “You need to calm down,” the girl was crying in fear and shaking. A shriek of fear fills her body, the man, no the boy comes closer to her. She whispers, “Babe stop please, please, please,” she says please over and over again, until it’s too late, she then shouts, “NO…,” I wake up to finish her sentence, with DON’T.

Chapter 7: Recap

I had to go to the hospital today I fell down the stairs and busted my lips. Bryan was there, I thought that was so sweet. He kept apologizing though, probably because he wasn’t there to catch me, man I have the sweetest boyfriend ever. My parents think I didn’t fall down the stairs, but I insisted I did, but to tell you the truth I couldn’t remember much. I just kept getting flashbacks of a man’s hand coming across my face but I was probably scared and my nerves were rowed up. I couldn’t attend school for a week, my mom was worried about me or at least I think she was my mom, there were many women coming in and out of our house that week. My boyfriend Bryan came to see me something told me not to let him know about anything, but come on he was my boyfriend. He held my hand it looked like he had been bleeding on his knuckles but it could have been from boxing. He put his hand on my face and I felt a sudden chill come over me. I asked if he could leave he got very mad. His hand began to swing at me, then my sister Malaya came in she shouted out my name, “NARELLE!” Bryan jumped as if he had been caught red handed. I passed out, and then I began to hear a siren like on an ambulance. “Mom,” I cried out I didn’t know who she really was; I just wanted someone’s motherly arms around me. She reached out and grabbed me, even though I couldn’t remember much about her, her kiss upon my forehead was the only thing I needed from her.

I arrived at the hospital, couldn’t remember anything else again besides my mother’s hug and kiss, my sisters name is Malaya, and that I was at the hospital. A man who calls himself my father walked into the room with tears coming down his face. I remembered these words all of a sudden, “Men only cry when their family is in danger, or they are just a PANZY.” He couldn’t stop crying he laid his head on my pillow and started praying to the superior one, GOD. He said the phrase, “have mercy on my baby” gave me memory of me crying in a dark alley.

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Diva-Akunnaya said...
Apr. 26, 2010 at 7:28 pm
Amazing piece!!!! You really have true talent. Keep up the good work. can't wait to read more of your work. Please post more of your articles!!! Thnx:)
Mrs. Nicki Manaji said...
Apr. 12, 2010 at 1:02 pm
OMG!!! i love this article!! you should totaly make it into a book or somethin. you are a great writter. and i have read some of your other work, and you just keep on gettin' better  and better each time. I am a HUGE fan of yourz and am lookin foward to readin' more of your work.l
JB Just Ballin' said...
Jan. 10, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Wow! I have never read such an amazing article in m y life. It seems that this author is in the process of making a novel. And she is coming along great. This author has a bright future ahead of her in writting. And I will be looking for more of her work:)
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