Dark night, shining stars, blowing wind. It all looked so distant to her. She felt she was high above the ground, looking down at everything: people singing, dancing, talking, and laughing. The families, friends, neighbors and couples. Coldness, emptiness, loneliness, envy. She felt envious of all those lucky people who had happy lives full of love and the warmth that came with it. The warmth of love. The warmth that she needed and didn’t have. The warmth she had lost. The warmth she had been living without for so long. She didn’t remember that warmth, and she no longer understood it. She no longer felt anything, because she was empty, cold. As she looked down at all the warmth, she felt as though she no longer identified with this world. Who were these happy creatures that walked and talked and laughed? What was happiness? How did it feel? She no longer belonged in this world. She no longer had feelings. She no longer felt anything. She was only physically in the world, living life as a routine. Free of stress, free of feeling, free of love. Cold.
November 17, 2009