Telling Him My Secret

By , Round Lake, IL
July 2007



I met a boy over the summer after my freshman year. The first year of high school was horrible and I needed a break. I spent two weeks out of state with my family and I thought it would be boring and lame. But I was wrong.

I don’t remember the day, the time, or the seconds when I told him, I only have words and feelings to cherish.

His name was Jay, and how we met exactly, or why is a mystery to me. All I know is that I’m glad it happened to me.

*****

I narrowed at my leg that was shaking as the phone was dialing Jay cell phone number. Usually, our talks were easygoing and fun, but today was different. I could feel it in my bones.

I met Jay in Ohio as I starting my vacation and as he was finishing his. He lived on the west coast and had to go home early for his sports training. When I saw him for the first time I got shivers that ran from my heart to my soul. I knew he was something special right then and there. After a week of only spending every moment together, we exchanged numbers. I watched him drive away from the hotel with his family.

I knew he was going to answer so I made myself comfortable on the twin airbed I was sleeping on. My leg stopped shaking, but started moving up and down instead.

“Hey” I heard Jay’s deep voice answer. I could practically hear his smile and so I unconsciously smiled back.

“Hi. What were you doing just now?” I asked in a suspicious voice. We always were up to something with someone, or somewhere. Jay laughed and my smile got a little bigger.

“Oh, I’m playing Hide and Go Seek with my little brother” he said simply.

“Really?” I asked, clearly not believing him completely. I knew better. There was more to this than he was telling me. He laughed louder then stopped, he must not have wanted to give himself away.

“Okay, I’m playing Hide and Go Seek… At Toys-R-Us.” Jay said in a whisper, I laughed. It was genius, playing that game in a toys store.

“Well, that’s not fair! He’ll never find you. He’d get sidetracked from all the toys.” I pretended to scold him. That made him laugh out loud.

“I’m counting on that” he said. I smiled at his genius again. He was a good older brother and I knew if his brother didn’t find him sooner or later, Jay would go looking for his little sibling.

“Hey Jay, I have to tell you a secret.” That came out with zero thinking. I should’ve known better than not to tell him so early in the conversation because the boy just loved secrets and surprises.

“Ooh, what is it?” he asked excited. Suddenly, I heard a female voice in the background. I rolled my eyes as I rolled onto my back.

“Jay, who is that on the phone?” I heard Jay answer her and I heard her response.

“Again? Why do you always call her?” his best friend asked.

“Well maybe, I like her better than you.” Jake said with a edge to his playful tone. I listened as Vicki stormed off and Jay sigh. Vicki was first Jay’s ex girlfriend first and now is best friend. But I always knew she disagreed with that choice. I knew she didn’t like me, but she didn’t know me.

Our conversation continued and just as I was going to hang up, Jay remembered.

“What about your secret?” he asked. I froze, not knowing if I should be honest. But then the choice was made.

“I love you”

And I hung up.

I started panicking instantly. Just as I was thinking that Jay would never speak to me ever again. My cell phone rang.

“Hello?” I answered meekly.

“Guess what?” Jay asked. I froze and felt my bones lock in fear.

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“I love you, too” He said.

*****

My hand’s shaking as I’m writing this. This really happened and I remember how I felt in that moment. I felt like the whole world slowed down to the point where it might as well have moved backward. I felt like nothing else in this world. I’ll never forget it as long as I live.

Jay and I knew we’d never really be together being so far away from each other. So, he was the one to end it. It broke my heart. I cried that day and night, even the next day. Most of the time, I hope to never see him again. ’Cause if I do I might do something stupid.

Like telling him, I’m kinda still in love with him.





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