Fireflies Part 4

November 11, 2009
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A familiar smell drifted through the air. Sand and ocean brought a smell of beautiful times. I was sucked into another memory. This one was more cheery than the last.

Last summer I went on a youth group service trip. I was sitting around the bon fire on the beach. One of the teachers played her guitar and we sang along to various songs. It was the first summer I was away from Tori.

This was the summer Tori tried alcohol and cigarettes. When I came home she dragged me down with her.

I shouldn’t say she dragged me down with her. I don’t want to put any blame on her. It was mostly my fault too. The “Just Say No” speech they give you in middle school only tells you to say no, not how hard it is to say no.

Fireflies flew above the fire and all of us. A firefly landed on my hand. Its little eyes stared up at me. My dad once told me that if you caught a firefly in your hand you should make a wish.

I wish… I thought for a moment.

Before I could think of my wish the firefly flew away.

I kicked myself for not taking that wish. It was just a stupid wish. It would never come true anyway. Maybe I could have wished for my life to be easier. Maybe I could have wished for everybody I loved to be alright. I could have wished for the future to be great.

Fireflies piled on my skin. They covered every inch of my skin. They ate at me until there was nothing left.

I was back on the lonely, cold street.

I don’t want to be dead now. I want to go back a year before I started to despise my parents for pressuring me. I want to be with my family when I still was close to them. I miss just listening to music with Tori and dreaming to be like a character in one of the songs. I miss everything, everyone, and the real me. I missed the Hayden that wouldn’t be pressured into doing anything stupid. I missed the Hayden that hated who she was now.

Where do I go? I’m stuck here on these bleak streets. Should I go somewhere? Should I stay where I am? Is this hell or heaven? Am I going to hell or heaven? I used to think I would go to heaven but with all my stupid mistakes, God would never let me into heaven.

I just sat down in the middle of the road. The ground was cold. I wondered how and why everything happened. Why did I start smoking? Why did I start drinking? Why didn’t I save my family?

I came to realizations that I was going to hell. Why would someone like me go to heaven? I’ve made so many stupid failures in my life. My destiny isn’t too bright. My future is broken.

I started to cry. Tears rolled down my face. I watched as they dropped to the street. The tears were red. I was crying blood?

Breath was knocked out of me. My vision was blinking. One moment I would be staring at the ground and the next it would just be black. Soon it went from street to black to street to black to my car.

Everything flashed. I passed through each world: afterlife and reality.

Pain tore through every part of my body.

I was in the car for a few moments. I saw them take Tori out of the passenger side. They were attempting to take me out.

I flashed back to the street. I was screaming from the pain of tearing through each dimension. I still cried blood.

I found another dimension. It was another memory.

I was seven and I sat on the ground with my brother, mother, and father. We looked happy. Times change for strange reasons; I didn’t understand the reason times had to change for me. I watched fireflies light the summer sky with their peculiar light show.

“Do fireflies go to heaven?” I asked.

“Of course,” my mother said.

I giggled with my brother as we watched them land in our jars.

The happiness ended.

I was in complete darkness next. Everything was cold. Little yellow lights floated around me. They landed on me then flew away. I could hear giggling all around me.

Two dead spirits came up next to me. They were much younger than they were when I last saw them. The most beautiful people I had ever met. I was happiest when I was with them. Why are they here though? They should be in a different afterlife.

They laughed as I thought this. They grabbed my hands and smiled.

The fireflies guided our trio out of the darkness and into the beautiful light.

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