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8 miles to anywhere {part 2}

I thought this day would never come.
The words hit me as if they were bricks
And my heart a glass window. Shattering as
I now know why everyone is crying. It’s my worst nightmare. The air escaping from my
Lungs. Making the smallest of breath a fighting battle. As fear replaces it.
My eyes filling with
Salty water drops.

One person isn’t with us today.
He’s gone, he’s missing, he disappeared,
He’s dead. It’s Grandpa, he’s gone.
He was eighty-two

Wish the good times would have
Lasted longer. Wish we could have seen another sunset together. One more laugh, one more hug, one more cry, one more
Everything. I would give everything in the world to have him back. I just want to run away from everyone get, just run until …until I found him. I closed the door to my room, shutting everyone out, just like I did best.

My room is cold and desolate. Nothing has the happy meaning it once had. Everything is cold to the touch. Nothing is the same without him. I’m tired of pretending to be strong. Trying to choke back my tears for everyone’s sake, doesn’t work for me anymore. I have to cry, if I don’t who know what’s going to happen.

I had so much to say to him. So many unspoken words went unsaid. So many hugs were lost in the heat of arguments we had at the kitchen counter. I just wish I could take back all the things I did wrong. I the things I regret. Just to tell him how much he meant to me. How I adored him. How he could make the rainiest day, turn into sunshine, with a snap of his finger.

How that magical smile would make the tears disappear from my eyes, and the pain in my aching heart vanish. Or when he could pull a splinter from my finger without causing pain.
He was my super hero. Superheroes are supposed to live forever. My eyes remained closed , my mind becoming twisted with dreams, and reality. It can kill a person if they let it. I soon found myself looking from the outside. As if I was just a ghost, a figment of my imagination. I just watched myself. Eyes still closed but, my heart wide open.

I found myself on the floor of my room, with his picture beside me, and his songs playing in the background on the stereo. Grandpa had made that CD just for me. My two favorites are called “Love me a little longer” and “ She’s my little Miracle” . Those two were made especially for me on my 13th birthday. He sang them that day in front of the entire family. Boy…when he did there wasn’t a dry eye in the room.

That was the greatest present I had ever received from him that year. It was also the last. I eyes opened and my dream was now over. It was just a memory, that’s it a memory. Reality set in, as I was reminded that once again he wasn’t in my life. Just a dream. It could kill me if I let it.

My mother called me from the living room. Before I left my safe haven I stood there just looking at myself. Just lost myself in my image reflected back at me. I no longer know who I am. I stare for just a moment longer to find that there is another reflection besides my own. Mystified by what I was seeing.
How could this be? There he stood before me. My own grandpa was standing in my bedroom. It had been two years since I last saw him in the meadow. When I was fifteen years old. So much has changed in the past two years. He has missed so much. Can we make up for lost time?

“Grandpa? Is that you?”
“Scooter! You know it’s me!”
He laughed as he walked around the clumps of clothes I had lying on the floor.
“What are you doing here? I thought he big man upstairs said it was against the “rules”.
I said putting a stress on rules.
“Yah well…time changes now doesn’t it
“Look at you. Every time I’ve seen you, it’s different. “He said the magical smile popping up.

Time was no longer in existents. No second ticked by, no moment went unnoticed, the light and dark we were oblivious to. We sat and talk forever. End on end. So many things came up. As we talked I noticed a certain topic he didn’t want to talk about. He was keen on staying away from it at all cost. I had a feeling of what it was, but like him I too wanted to avoid it. I told him that everything was good, that I was making it in the world. As much as I tried to impress him with all the talk he saw right through it.

“Something’s wrong Kayla ,isn’t it? Is there something that I should know? C’mon baby girl…Scooter tell me. Stop bottling whatever it is inside and let it out. I know there’s something…wrong, misplaced..” he fought to find the correct words. Grandpa was never good with words. I dropped my head in shame as I knew that I couldn’t tell him a lie, but then again the truth wasn’t much better.

“Grandpa…. I don’t know where to start . You… you’ve missed so much after you died. You left me out to hang in the bitter wind.” I spoke into the darkness, and then I stared at him, with tears in my eyes. I shook my head in disbelief as I got up and walked to the window. The snowflakes still floating down from the heavens above. I tried to keep my body from shaking but at that moment it was impossible. I balled my fits highly around the cuffs of my sweatshirt until the turned white and I could no longer feel them.

“You know baby girl… Scooter. … I will always regret dying at the time that I did. I regret leaving you with all the problems in the world. But you know it wasn’t my choice… This was not my fault… you got to believe me. I did everything humanly possible to stay with you.” His voice sounded as if it was starting to break. That was not normal for him. Grandpa was always strong in whatever he said or did. I continued to glare out the window, my lips trembling as I tried to suck in the moans that came from inside of me.

After he got me clamed down. We sat and talked some more. After while though his eyes became covered in a cloud of mist. And I knew what was going to happen next. He was going to leave me. Just like he did that night when he brought me back from the meadows. I laid there just like the two years previously and waited for him to disappear into thin air. Just like he did before. “Grandpa before you leave sing me my song. He smiled and nodded as. Out of nowhere the light brown guitar popped into his hands and he sat himself on the floor next to my bed. Making sure that I couldn’t see his face.

“Girl where has time gone? Seems like only yesterday you fit in the palm of my hand. She’ll grow up, and get out of this old town, I whisper to myself as I lay you down for the night. Now you’re ten years old and I wonder where time has went. Find myself out in that garage all by myself with the Hot Rod. Having a beer or two I wonder where the world’s going to take her. I know that if she gets out of this old town she’ll be fine. She has to leave this old town. She has to leave me…

“Scooter... I’ll see you again someday.
Promise to leave this old town
I love you.”



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