Magazine, website & books written by teens since 1989

Desperation

Custom User Avatar
More by this author
Quietly Annie closed the door behind her making sure it was tightly locked. Her eyes stared blankly into her disgusting reflection. She hated herself. Annie glared into the reflection her hands falling hard on the black/grey speckled granite counter top. Thoughts of detestation ran through her mind as her eyes scanned over her own body. ‘Why was I cursed?’ Her fist balled up on the dark marble counter. The evil words came spilling into her mind as her cold soulless eyes dared not to blink. “You’re disgusting. You’re stupid. You’re ugly. You’re incapable of ever having a boyfriend, or real friends for that matter. You will never be pretty.” They just kept coming with no signs of stopping. The sad fact was that Annie believed every word that sprang into her mind, every new word of hate. “Ugly” she whispered almost in near tears. “You’re not just ugly, you’re fat!” The courage she had momentarily lacked started to build with every little thought of revulsion.
Annie’s eyes flickered around the room roaming from the painting with the words love and kindness on it, to the silver rimmed toilet-paper compartment. For the longest time Annie stared at the toilet fighting her usual battle of to do or not to do. She tore her eyes away letting them fall to stare at the clean speckled tiles. She hated this house and this bathroom, but mostly she hated this life. Annie’s arms fell limply at her sides as tears welled up in the corners of her eyes.
“Annie, Sweetheart are you ok in there?” Annie turned around the door handle jerking around as her mom tried to open it. Her heart beat sped up wondering if she was found out.
“I’m fine. My stomach is a little upset.” She said hurriedly her courage starting to fall.
The knob jerked a couple more times. “Ok then let me know if you need anything.” Annie’s mother, Molly, stood by the door for a moment staring at the carvings in the wood. Molly had been sensing that something was wrong with her daughter, but it had nothing to do with an illness. Molly had watched her daughter’s smiles and happy disposition start to disappear, and she was starting to worry. ‘What if she is getting picked on at school?’ she wondered. Molly reached for the knob only to pull her hand away quickly. Slowly Molly retreated, walking back down the hall wishing she had a stronger bond with her daughter.
Annie let out a deep breath turning back to the mirror. Her chipped nail polished fingers ran through her tangled mess of dark brown, almost black hair. “If you were blonde you would be prettier.” The dark voice spoke in Annie’s mind. She shook her head trying to get rid of the thoughts, but it only made it worse. Annie couldn’t help but pick herself apart: She hated her brown eyes and disproportioned nose. She wanted fuller lips and a smaller waist. Her arms were too thick and her jaw jutted out too far. Annie despised her small hands along with her huge thighs. Annie’s hands pulled and grabbed at everything on her body that she wished she could change. “Ugh.” “If you were thinner you would have a boyfriend. Maybe your friends wouldn’t talk about you behind your back if you looked more like them.” The dark voice rang again. The tears started to drop from her eyes slipping down her face as Annie silently cried. Annie glanced over at the toilet for the second time, the whole purpose for her running in here. Roughly she wiped her eyes pictures of her small group of friends filling her head. “They’re all so much prettier than me.” Annie thought, her eyes momentarily falling away from the mirror.
Annie looked around the small bathroom once more, with its light blue walls and dark tiled flooring. Annie’s mother was all about presentation, and how people looked at first glance. Annie’s mother had been the ideal daughter ruling her high school with such poise and simplicity. Annie was nothing like her mother she was a psychotic mess of hormones and imperfections. Annie’s mother was perfect, Annie was not; that was the simple and easy truth. With timid hands Annie turned the white gold faucet, the soothing sound of water rushing filling the room. Annie’s feet shuffled slowly, gravitating toward the sparkling toilet giving into her temptation. She fell to her knees staring into the discolored clear water. “Do it, I dare you. You will be pretty, happy, cooler.” The voice spoke drawing the struggle to its inevitable end. With three quick deep breaths Annie let her hand move its way to the back of her throat triggering her gag reflex. The momentary disgusting taste of food and stomach acid rose in her throat falling out into the faintly clear water before her. Coughing slightly Annie whipped her mouth staring into the contents of what was supposed to be her dinner. “Now, how do you feel? Better, you look more beautiful already.” The voice said. Annie stood weakly flushing her disgust down the drain. ‘If only all my problems could be solved so easily.’ Annie thought breathing slowly as she stared at her reflection once more.
Tilting her head she started to feel slightly better, her seconds of ultimate high beginning and ending in the bathroom. Annie turned this way and that thinking she already looked thinner, prettier. A small smile formed on her lips, it was more of a Mona Lisa smile, it was there but not really. Annie turned the faucet the water slowly stopping to fall from its drain. Before exiting the room she called her sanctuary, Annie looked at the painting with the words love and kindness written on it. It stood on the wall with a metal frame showing off swirling colors of pink and red, such a contrast to the blues and greys, the words stood out with their bold white lettering. ‘Love yourself while you share your kindness with the world’ Annie read in her head. She shook her head reaching for the clear doorknob. The door opened with a simple click swinging open to an endless hallway. Annie walked slowly out of the bathroom catching her reflection in the corner of her eye. Her high was starting to fall as she saw her thighs. “Ugly” she whispered to herself.
Molly sat in the kitchen talking to her sweet husband telling him that she was getting tired of the set up in the living room and that it would need to be changed soon. Her words stopped, her sentence only half finished. Molly spotted her daughter slipping past the kitchen moving toward the staircase. Molly’s eyes fell to her white mug filled with dark coffee. Desperation filled up inside her as she thought of how awful of a mother she was. “Say something or else you will lose her forever.” A voice rang in Molly’s head as the creak in the stairs indicated her daughter leaving the first floor. Molly was watching her daughter die and waste away before her eyes and she had no clue how to stop it, she was helpless and desperate for a way to help.
Annie came to her bedroom looking around at all the priceless things her parents had bought for her, buying her love she always said, none of it mattered though. Annie stared in the mirror hanging on the back of her door. She did not see what others saw for her mind was playing tricks on her and showed her an image she thought she looked like. She, in reality was skin and bones, withering away day by day from the desperate need to be ‘perfect.’ Annie was a victim to her own mind. She made up extravagant situations that never happened keeping her from ever getting close to anyone. Nothing could make her see that her act of desperation to be thin and pretty was killing her.
It was a day to day battle Annie always lost succumbing to the temptation. All she ever wanted was to be perfect and now it is too late for her to be normal. Annie slipped out of consciousness everything around her falling black. “You have failed once again, you can never do anything right. Finally the world will be rid of you.” The voice spoke echoing darkly.





Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback