One Hell of a Memory

October 15, 2009
By Erika Murillo BRONZE, Silt, Colorado
Erika Murillo BRONZE, Silt, Colorado
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

They all looked at me waiting to hear my story I got weak in my knees not only because I was nervous but because I was afraid of what they would think about me. I looked at all of the students on the bleachers wondering how I was going to start my story. I took a deep breath and started. Life isn’t worth living if your living the life of a junkie. My life was good I was 15, I loved my family loved going to school, and always had a dream of graduating and becoming a veterinarian. I moved to New York with my grandma because my mom and dad were having problems. I began going to a new school. I didn’t know anyone I was frightened. Then some guy came up to me and we began talking, his name was James and he was the sweetest guy. After awhile we became good friends. One day he offered me Heroin I said “No,” but then I started thinking about it more. I was sitting on the bed. I sat there having the strangest feeling a curious feeling. It was a feeling I have never felt before. I called James and told him I was more than ready to try dope. He showed up at my house ten minutes later. James pulled out the bag of dope it looked so intriguing. The dope was an off white. I couldn’t wait to try it. I put it on the counter and then rolled up a dollar bill. I closed my eyes and when I opened them James was just staring at me with the biggest grin on his face. I slowly fell on the couch and watched TV, it honestly didn’t matter what I was watching I could have sat in front of a blank wall and would have been happy. I felt like a million bucks that night I was very happy and my body felt amazing. Everything seemed right. I didn’t think that for one second James and I would become addicted. I just thought that becoming addicted was a mental habit, when you want to stop you can. James was always running around constantly making deals with people to add fuel to the fire. Our tolerance was growing while dope got more expensive. Dope seemed to be the best thing ever. I never stopped and thought not only was I doing heroin, but I loved it and I didn’t even want to think about how’d it feel to not be high. I would do anything to get high. Me using only kept growing in front of my own eyes. We lived day by day not realizing how addicted I was becoming. I have only fallen deeper into this hell hole which never seemed to end. James and I did anything to buy dope, we sold almost everything in our house, we stole from our family, and at one point I even became a hooker. I didn’t enjoy doing that but it was what I had to do to get money. I’m not proud of myself for it but it was what I had to do. As each day went by we would buy more and more bags to keep up with our tolerance. I stopped caring about anything, I started not to give a s*** about anyone either. I was so embarrassed of my life at this point. By my 16th birthday I was a full blown junkie. I was spending $140 on it a day. When I began to see other people beside James and I get involved with Heroin I began to realize how dope gains a powerless grasp on weak people. I was very weak I couldn’t talk to my parents after doing it for all this time, I don’t think that they would believe me. They might ask me why I started I cant tell them that is was because of them and my childhood. I hate them but I don’t want them to think they failed to be good parents. Even though they knew that they were just junkies too. I never wanted to live my life like them, but there is just that place I life when you want to know why they did it so much and I do now. I personally loved it. Dope had a strong hold on me I couldn’t go a day without doing it. If there was a moment when I felt like I wasn’t high I would just do it again. I couldn’t stop if I wanted to, it just made me want to do it more. I did it wherever and whenever. I knew that my friends were becoming like me and I hated to think that James was completely f***** at this point. No one realizes how the mind changes dope to make dope number one over a period of time it changes the way you think and how you think. James went to rehab and this is when I really wanted to stop I couldn’t live my life like this anymore. I needed to get my s*** together. I decided I was done using, that night I was scared I didn’t know what was going to happen. I tried REALLY hard not to think about dope. I went through dope withdraw, nobody could imagine how bad it was. By the end of the first day without doing Heroin I didn’t feel like myself at all. I suddenly felt cold and got Goosebumps everywhere. I was irritated. That night I tossed and turned in bed sweating like crazy but still freezing my ass off. Then hell turned over. I woke up feeling tired, way to tried to do anything. I have never been so depressed in my life. I felt closer to being normal but still so far from it. There is nothing worse than a Heroin withdraw. The next four days were hell. I don’t think that I was in the right state of mind. I tried to get though the pain as quickly as possible. My week of withdrawing was absolute bulls***, gut wrenching pain all over my body. The worst part would be at night time my mind would race, my legs kicking over and over, I couldn’t get comfortable. I would instantly break into a sweat. My body would changes through two different temperatures fast. I felt hopeless, every minute I was tossing and turning in bed, sweating, freezing, having the worst cramps, my blood feeling like it was on fire inside of me, and my arms swinging around I wanted to scream and show everyone how bad this is. I felt like punching myself or pulling out my hair. I could stand it anymore, at this point I probably would have shot myself if there was a gun around just to take the pain away. The withdraw was so terrible I began to feel free after the symptoms had slowly stopped. I didn’t even want to touch dope again. I finally felt relieved I began coming out of my room I felt like the weight was just lifted off my shoulders. I had my life back and I was NEVER going through that again. There was no way in hell. It was terrible and I really wish that I had turned the other way and forgot the thought that I wanted to try. It wasn’t worth it, living the life of a junkie wasn’t worth s***, it’s one hell of a memory caused by my stupidity but I am glad it’s over!

I looked at all the students and I knew they could feel the pain I was feeling. I was happy to be able to share my story to them so they could understand and know what drugs could do.
“ Thank you” I said and they all began applauding making me feel like I could be a normal person too just a person with a hard life.

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