My Dwelling Place (Part 2)

October 2, 2009
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I was angry, neither at the doctors, nor any one else, but at God. I began to question His love and care for me, or anyone else for that matter. Now that Christmas break had started, I barely came out of my room, and rarely took the time to go see Mee Ma at the hospital because I was too afraid of what I might encounter. Trying their hardest to break through their daughter’s anxiety, my parents continuously visited my room and tried to offer any assistance, but I was reluctant.
The next day was Sunday, which meant church. Entering through the double doors, my family and I were greeted by many sympathetic friends, expressing to us their sorrow and explaining how they were continuously praying. I was not very excited to be there that morning anyway, so being surrounded was not making my day any better. However, as soon as the worship started, my feeling began to morph into something dissimilar. Seating ourselves in the fourth row on the left-hand side, the worship leader began to open with the well-known song, “Here I Am to Worship”. While reciting the lyrics with the familiar tune, a certain group of fourteen words grabbed my attention, and kept me there for a while. “I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross”. I needed to think. I excused myself from worship, and ran back to the conference room. Then things really started to hit me. “I really will never know, and to think my sins are enough to put one innocent man up on a wooden cross in front of a crowd of mockers, and then be nailed to it in the wrists, with a crown of thorns placed upon His head…and to think that I never consider those sins. I guess it’s because I make such a habit out of them, I just forget. I’m so stupid. I’ve been trusting in myself instead of God, the only One that is logical to put my trust in. He’s the perfect one. The only one! Man I’m so dense. I’m so far away from perfect, but yet, I’ve been trusting in myself, forgetting about everything else. Lord,” I began to pray, as tears started streaming down my blotchy, red face, which had turned that way from the result of my sorrow, “Help me. Help me Lord, to trust You in whatever will happen in my life. There are many things, and even some people, that are not apart of the life that you have given me, but I know that is no reason for me to give up on You, which to do would be simply illogical. I love you Lord, but better yet, You love me, and You started loving me first, even before I knew there was a ‘You’.”
By this point, I had already situated myself on the floor against the navy blue wall, sobbing feebly. I was hurt, not by anything that affected me, but by the way I offended God by forgetting about Him. Unexpectedly, the door leading into the conference room slowly opened, and mom walked in with an expression on her face that reassured me of her sympathy and readiness to comfort her pathetically afflicted daughter. Explaining everything to her, she hugged me and prayed with me. “Lord, take me and my life, and do anything you want to with it. You own me, and I trust that whatever you decide for me, I will take and see as a blessing from you.”
The rest of my day was spent at home, relaxing, as I felt refreshed and renewed. I even decided to go see Mee Ma the next day. Walking through the doors of the cancer center waiting room, I gradually became more and more nervous to see my grandma, for I had no clue what to expect. As I stepped into her room, I froze with eyes welling up with tears, and ran to her bed while sobbing so hard it was difficult to continue breathing.
It broke my heart to see my Mee Ma looking so pale and under-weight while lying in a hospital bed, in such extreme pain. I only wished that there was something for me to do to help her, but I knew there was nothing I could do but pray. As a result, I knelt down beside her, as she tried her hardest smile, and prayed for her. By now, I had been crying so hard my eyes could barely form any more tears. Closing my imploring prayer, I lifted my head and looked up at MeeMa. I was set at ease for I knew my grandmother was now in peace, and the pain was finally gone. I was confident that my grandma was praising the only true God right at that moment as I laid there for some time, smiling at her with tears of mixed emotions. I climbed onto the hospital bed and laid there for a while with her, realizing she was not with me anymore. My parents rushed to the door at that moment and gathered around the hospitable bed, sobbing and thanking their God for all the time they had with Mee Ma, promising that they would never forget any detail about her, no matter the size.

It has been three years since my grandmother passed away, and I am now on the road to college, unaware of what to expect. Going through a two hour graduation ceremony without my best friend in the front row had to be the toughest experience of my life. Nonetheless, as I stood there on stage, I pictured that peaceful, reassuring smile of hers that I always adored. As I think back on that day she slipped away into her Father’s arms, I’m amazed at how God worked in my heart. If it wouldn’t have been for that Sunday before, I probably would have missed my last chance to be with my grandmother. I miss her unrelentingly, but I can see how God has used this to further my relationship with Him. That entire experience reminded me on where I stand through the eyes of my Lord; He is my dwelling place.

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