This World We live in...

October 8, 2009
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Tears rolling down my face as I stood near his grave, staring at the soil below my feet, I could think of nothing to say. My mind was blank. “Momma, I’m ready.” I said. Ms. Landor, our guardian, almost said, “Amanda I’m not your…,” before I cut her off saying, “Please Ms. Landor. I’ve been left with no one. I really need a mother right now and the least you could do is let me call you momma for just a bit. Please…” I begged. “Oh fine, but you don’t have to be so dramatic about it.” She told me, walking towards the car. I felt like I was nothing. My brother, twin in fact, had just…oh I couldn’t say it. Daniel, my brother, had just hung himself. He left me here without telling me goodbye at all. I felt empty now. I had no other family then him. I didn’t understand why would he do that to himself, to me? I got into the car and rode home. The ride home was the hardest and quietest ride I’ve ever experienced, not to mention the loneliest. The car stopped. I hadn’t even noticed we were home until Mrs. Landor called me to come in the house. I stepped out of the fancy car and walked up the path to the mansion where I lived, my head down the whole time. As soon as I got into the mansion, Ms. Landor jumped on the phone and began her daily chat. “Poor child,” I heard someone say on the other end of the phone. Ms. Landor looked at me standing in the hall all alone, and lonesome looking, and said, “She’ll be alright. It’s not like I haven’t felt it before.” She turned her head and began walking the opposite way of where I was standing. Into her office, she stepped inside and closed the door, not saying anything else to me other than, “Go upstairs and take a wash. You look a mess.” I slowly walked up the stairs and into the room Daniel and I used to share. I hadn’t been in here since the morning before he…passed. That morning, just yesterday, I’d gone down for breakfast. He told me he’d be down soon and he just needed to do something… I never knew that would be the last time I would talk to him. I did see it being kind of odd that when I was on my way down to the kitchen, just as I was at the top stair, he called my name. He then came up to me and told me he loved me, “I love you sis. Forever and always.” Then he kissed my forehead and told me, “Go along now Manda.” I did notice he was acting a bit strange but I never worried too much. Oh, how I wish I had just asked him why he was saying such silly things, though telling me he loved me was not silly at all, it was just a bit queer at the time, to me at least. It’s too late now… I walked to his bed and sat down. On our dresser, my dresser now, was a picture of Daniel and I when we were little, and instantly I felt free of the emotional lock that had been placed on my heart at the instant moment I found out about Daniel’s suicide. I had cried a bit at his funeral, and a little more at his burial, but now tears were streaming down my face endlessly. I felt broken; single-handed, and lost without my dear brother. I laid my head down on his pillow, facing the closet where he had hung himself just hours ago. His pillow was drenched with my tears in just a matter of minutes. I put my hand under the pillow, my tears continuously flowing. I remembered the days when we were young, and my father was still alive. We were happy and things were good back then, but then a few years ago my father died of cancer. He never told anyone he was ill, and I never really noticed how weak he was growing. I was a child, and back then I just figured it was merely because he was old, though he really wasn’t, only being the age of 35 at the time of passing. All these years I’ve grown up without a mother, the reason being why I asked Ms. Landor to be my mother for just a little while before. I’ve never really had the chance to call anyone mother, and I don’t know I just wanted that feeling of having one, for only just a little while. I didn’t know where my mother was. I didn’t know if she was alive or not, if she cared about us or not, or even if she looked like me. My father never talked to us about her, and no one, Daniel nor I, had ever asked about her. We figured it would upset him, and of course we didn’t want to do that. Though our curiosity was eating at us, we kept our mouths closed. I squeezed the pillow and when I did I felt something like paper. I sat up and pulled out the paper. It was an envelope. I wondered to myself, “Why would there be an envelope here, underneath Daniel’s pillow?” I turned the envelope around, examining it, and written in Daniel’s hand writing was, “To Manda.” Manda was the nickname he had for me. He and my father were the only ones to call me Manda. I wondered if I should open it, the envelope that is. I thought about it, and I thought about it some more, and finally decided to open it. Slowly I began. I was so eager to find out what was written to me. I pulled out the papers, there was more than one, and sat the envelope down on the bed beside me. Slowly I opened the paper and a photo fell out. It was a picture of a woman. She was so young and beautiful, and she looked exactly like…me. I began to read… There were two more papers inside the envelope. One of the papers was a letter to Daniel and the other to me from Daniel. I skipped over Daniel’s letter and began to read mine.
My father found it hard to tell us that my mother had died when she gave birth to Daniel. He told me in the letter that he was very sorry that he had never told us, and that finally he was dying er cancer. He told me goodbye.... Daniel found the letter somewhere and after finding out that mother had died while giving birth to him, he told me that he could no longer live with that fact that he killed our mother. I didn't know how to react... I couldn't get mad at him, because he wasn't here anymore. He killed himself because of something he didn’t even purposely cause. Something he didn’t cause at all…not really. I screamed and tears were pouring from my eyes. I was angry, furiated with Daniel. Ms. Landor came into the room and looked at me. “What’s wrong?” She asked. “My whole family is gone now and I’m here with you, and you treat me so horribly. I just…” I couldn’t even finish. I put my head between my knees and just cried. Seconds later unpredictably a pair of hands laid on my shoulders.

Ms. Landor, I suppose, said “I’m sorry. I…” I could barely make out what she was saying through my own moans and sobs. I looked at her and noticed that she too was crying. “Why are you crying?” I asked her. “You are Amanda’s little twins. My sister, your mother, she died. I’m sorry…I didn’t know.” I didn’t understand. “In the picture, that’s my sister. I took that picture.” “Why would you treat us so horribly?” I asked her. “I was told to discipline you. I didn't know you were her children. After she died I never spoke to your father again. I didn't even know your names..oh how could I not see her in you? You look just like her.” She looked at me with a sad look. “I’m so sorry. Oh, Daniel.” She cried even more. This time she had her head in her knees. I wiped away my tears, and tried to be strong, like Daniel had said. “It’ll all be ok. I promise. It’ll all be ok…” I told Ms. Landor, my aunt… It was strange how things worked out. I didn’t understand it. This world we live in…what a strange place to be.

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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

lgrs_88 said...
Nov. 9, 2009 at 5:51 pm
I love this so much. It's so real! Where did you get the emotion from? Is it a true story? In any case, it's incredible writing. :)
misstayv replied...
Nov. 10, 2009 at 7:33 am
Thanks so much! I just started writing, and the story came along. It is not a true story, but thanks for your support!
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