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The Last Kiss

Jareds soft lips touch mine. I pull away slowley, and open my eyes. A small smile appers across his face. I giggle. My mother calls me in. I laugh as I run to my house. I turn around, and wave goodbye.

The bright sun rises over the moutain. I go out side to see Jared. His beautiful green eyes met mine. It's as if my heart is doing flips. He lightly kisses me, but nothing like befor. This time it was as if somethig was wrong.

As we walk to the park he seems angry, or sad I can't tell. I ask him whats wrong. He tells me he wants to talk. I try to say okay , but there is a lump in my throught inabling the word from coming out, so I just shake my head.

We get there, and sit on the hard bench wet from last nights rain. A tear falls from his eye,as I wrap him in a hug. He tells me that he is very sick, and isn't going to live much longer. I gasp as he tells me the rest. His voice cracked when he tells me we need ti brake up. I told him we need each other. Then he tells me okay, and I call my mom to pick us up.

A week later he asked me to marrie him. I say yes. We get married right there on his bed.

The day after that he tells me he is about to die right there. so I give A kiss, the last kiss.




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This article has 38 comments. Post your own!

Mye.Lin said...
Jun. 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm:

Some possible improvements to make it better:

1. Spelling and grammar check

2. Dialogue

3. More extensive vocabulary

4. More description; make the reader feel as if they are really in the scene

5. Get rid of overused phrases, 'it's as if my heart is doing flips'

 
ani70 replied...
Jun. 27, 2011 at 6:45 pm :
this story seems very rushed. so if the author doesn't give the time to write it, the reader won't give the time to read it. grammar issues. spelling issues. maybe you could work on style? maybe you could try re-reading this. this almost feels like a summary. there's so much potential suspense and romance in here. but with what you've submitted, it's almost impossible for the reader to feel what you might have tried to make us feel when you wrote this.
 
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reenay_95 said...
Jan. 2, 2011 at 2:41 pm:
I like the plot, but you could add more description and dialogue. I noticed a few spelling errors too. Very romantic (:
 
Mislead replied...
Jan. 2, 2011 at 3:10 pm :
I agree with you 100%. I also loved the plot. It was breathtaking and original. But she should have reread it so she could have caught the mistakes. But I loved it nonetheless.
 
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~~~HeArTbRoKeN~~~ said...
Oct. 22, 2010 at 3:17 pm:
I understand this.
 
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Erudite said...
Jul. 10, 2010 at 2:31 pm:

nice, love it!

by the way, it reminds me of "a walk to remember" not "the notebook"..

 
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--LoveHappens-- said...
Jun. 14, 2010 at 2:13 pm:
Cute story line but the writing needs work.... you should make it longer and add description about everything thats going on... it has great potential... check out my story The Wilted Flower and The Pretty One I think you would enjoy it. Thanks and good job
 
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AngelGal07 said...
May 27, 2010 at 5:09 pm:
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! i love it!!!!!!!
 
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dominicana said...
Feb. 28, 2010 at 7:56 pm:
This is really great although you should watch
out for those grammmatical errors keep on writing CHECK OUT MY STUFF TOO
 
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xLoVeLyCuTiEe428x said...
Feb. 28, 2010 at 12:13 pm:
Wow. Amazing. Well-written. Just .. loved it.
 
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Ellie_Michelle said...
Dec. 25, 2009 at 1:18 am:
That was sad, but good. Good job.
 
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ilovetinkerbell said...
Dec. 24, 2009 at 3:19 pm:
I really liked this. It is really sad but it is really good at the same time. keep up the good work.
 
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dragonfan said...
Dec. 2, 2009 at 6:33 pm:
aww this is so good but really sad it made me want to cry =*( hehe
 
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Joyful_angel said...
Nov. 14, 2009 at 7:37 pm:
wow, ur writting is very good!! this poem was very sad, but AWESOME!!!
keep up the writting
 
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lauren_b said...
Nov. 10, 2009 at 1:07 pm:
Awww i liked it.. very sad, but pretty good..
 
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VampireChick719 said...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 11:16 pm:
Howd you come up with the name Jared?? :?
 
VampireChick719 replied...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 11:18 pm :
ya i know random but i just wanted to know... same with the story line.. how did you get your insipration for this wonderfully beautiful story!! :)
 
!!!JuSt~Me!!! replied...
Oct. 29, 2009 at 8:58 am :
My sis told me the name. When I was writing this story I had just finshed watching a very good movie- "the Notebook" Then the story just poped in my head.
 
VampireChick719 replied...
Nov. 25, 2009 at 10:27 am :
oh that movies so sad!! i... amazingly... cryed at the end and i don't usually cry when it comes to movies!
 
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kyliebdrum said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 8:35 pm:
awwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeee! tht was SO good but also o my goodness sad!!!!
 
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