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September 29, 2009
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Would you rather have pink or blue nail polish? Would you rather be deaf or blind? Would you rather live as a vegetable or die as a hemophiliac? Would you rather wake up not knowing who you are or not wake up at all?
They, the doctors, want me to write. Anything, they said, even a scribble. I don’t remember how to write or to even hold a pencil. My fist clenches around it like a baby, like I had been reborn. These people, probably watching me from the video camera. Laughing. Like I was some sick joke. My face flushes, my eyes water stinging my cheeks, slipping down to drip on the paper. Leaving dark, shriveled, circles, in place of my words.
I cannot begin to describe how it feels when you don’t know yourself anymore. Waking up and recognizing nothing, from the colour of your hair or the dryness of you hands. Falling asleep one night after giving your mother a kiss not knowing the next time you see her you will scream in panic. As if it was all a recorded film that had been rewound, and the play button was stuck. Except for me, the play button wasn’t just stuck. It wasn’t there period.
This woman, my mother so I am told, places a photo next to bed the day after I wake up. After two months. The perfect family. In the background there is a man, smiling, his arm is around a girl. Looks like me. Something else is familiar. Is it his expression? The way his hand grips her shoulder instead of resting on it? Rage. I smash the picture to the floor. The glass shatters. I tear his face from the picture, the rest floats to the ground. The woman cries. The doctor nods. I wonder if I care.
They release me a few weeks later to the woman. She tells me we are going home. He’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore. Legally I don’t need to go with her. But I do. She tells me about myself. My boyfriend, our pregnancy. I look down at myself wondering how a child had ever been there. Where was it now?
I kept the torn photo of him in my pocket. Obsessed. It took me a month but I found him. Daddy, I look at him wasted. Why did you do it? I remember what you did to me now. But I am not like you.
Would you rather wake up not knowing who you are or not wake up at all? It kills me to see him like this, slumped in his chair, snoring softly, absolutely unaware. A broken glass is on the floor. The red wine will stain the carpet. I will allow my blood to enter the blend. In time they will replace the carpet. Still the stain of his sin and mine shall remain. I look at my cracked reflection in the mirror. One shot. I look at him and pull the trigger. I would rather not wake up at all.

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krzykrys said...
Jan. 3, 2011 at 6:41 pm
this was really good. and omg if this was a school assignment what did the teacher think? lol mine would pul me aside and ask me if i needed to see a counslor.
chickarita127515 said...
Oct. 7, 2010 at 7:32 pm
i loved it!!! it was amazing-ly emotion and creepy (in a good way)
MCRlover2011 said...
Mar. 26, 2010 at 7:15 pm
I think i get it but i'm not sure... but good non the less
twiwrite said...
Mar. 1, 2010 at 2:34 pm
it seems like there could be more to it. this was really captivateing though!!
wordsneverfail said...
Jan. 16, 2010 at 10:41 am
absolutely amazing. i loved it (:
yelnatz replied...
Jan. 20, 2010 at 12:40 pm
thank you so much!
SmileySunnyD This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 25, 2009 at 9:17 pm
That was an awesome story! It was creepy and emotional (creepy in a good way)
yelnatz replied...
Dec. 27, 2009 at 12:59 pm
haha thats good ! thank you
Ellie_Michelle said...
Dec. 25, 2009 at 1:03 am
Wow. That was really amazing. Keep writing!
yelnatz replied...
Dec. 27, 2009 at 12:59 pm
thanks :) I will, when i can find the time :P
Ellie_Michelle replied...
Dec. 30, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I know. Lol I've been really busy too. :)
have_a_heart said...
Nov. 28, 2009 at 12:58 pm
thank you for writing this is all i can say. I found it deep and intriguingly enticing. Where I have a desire to know more about this story, I feel that the information u provided is perfect. I seriously can not think of one thing that could improve this story. You have true potential and skill. Continue to write, please. I will show this to my friends :)
yelnatz replied...
Nov. 29, 2009 at 11:44 am
Thank you so much! I really do appreciate it, since when i did this for school my english teacher didn't like it at all. Thank you :D
have_a_heart replied...
Nov. 29, 2009 at 11:46 am
how did she not like it?!
yelnatz replied...
Nov. 29, 2009 at 8:28 pm
I wasn't as traditional as she would have liked and she thought the topic was a bit dicey... something like that
Kandyz replied...
May 28, 2010 at 3:48 am
=0 how dare she! It was awesome!!
tsolo said...
Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:54 pm
This piece was amazing. The questions you wrote in there really does make you think, such as when you said, "Would you rather wake up not knowing who you are or not wake up at all?" The idea and topic of this piece was interesting and you should try to write more. I would defiantly read it along with many others. One of my favorite parts in you short story was when you described the feeling of confusion after waking up and said, "Waking up and recognizing nothing, from the col... (more »)
yelnatz replied...
Oct. 30, 2009 at 3:32 pm
wow thank you so much! I will definetly put up some more stuff. I just need to get the time to write :)
LeslieAnn said...
Oct. 15, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Absolutely amazing. You're right, I did have to read the ending twice. But I'm glad I did. The emotion is so intense, and I love the way you built up to it. You're amazing.
yelnatz replied...
Oct. 18, 2009 at 7:56 pm
yea, i had a few people who didn;'t get the ending but thank you very much :)
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