the last breath

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The music was pulsing through me and everyone else in the tiny overly decorated living room. I grabbed the red plastic cup of alcohol from her hands and say thank you, but really knowing in the back of my mind that it would only land on the table three feet away and never touch these virgin lips of mine.

I have never drunk any alcohol ever. It is a personal choice that my brother and I have both made. I learned this from my brother, he has never touched any drugs or alcohol and it made his high school career a hell of a lot easier.

I stand on the side lines watching the others dance. I slowly scanning the room for any new couples that I wasn’t aware of before. Never thinking that I would be one of them. I feel someone staring at me. I turn around to find a young man looking at me from a distance. I catch a glance and throw him a smile. He grins and turns back to his friends. I proceed scanning the dance floor when I get interrupted with a light tap on my shoulder and turn around to see the same young man tower over me by a good 4 inches. We talked well into the night for getting about my other friends only caring about him, Connor.
I personally thought that he was a decent guy that wanted nothing but someone to talk to and someone to love. I thought that I could be that girl. Once he handed me that drink I thought that he would make sure that I made it home safe and sound. Well If I would have known what my future held in store for me I wouldn’t have taken the first sip. Things that night were crazy and blurry and still are to this day I can’t remember all the details. There are a few things that I am certain of. One was I shouldn’t trust a stranger with my life. Two you don’t really know what love is when you are drunk. And third none cares about you in the end.
Falling deeper and deeper in to the trap of alcohol I sadly made the choice to fallow him up to the empty room.
I stager up the steps and once at the top I see Connor talk to his friend and point to me. They giggle and smirk at the idea of my innocence being thrown away at a stupid high school party. I didn’t want it to be like this I wanted it to be special but, it wasn’t. I went into the room thinking it would all work out….I was wrong.
Later that night two in the morning I wake up and throw on my clothes and rush to the door. Feeling the tears collecting on my lashes. I hear a voice behind me,
“Where you going sweetie?” Connor.
My mind races my head pounding he grads my hand. The tears spill from my eyes.
“I am going home like I was supposed to many hours ago.” I state with all the confidence in the world.
“Look let me make up for what happened tonight let me take you home.”
I made another bad decision that would later end my life.

I follow him out the door and to his car. He opened the passenger side door like a gentle men for me and got in on the drivers side started the ignition and we pulled on to the narrow empty street. While trapped in the car we talked more or less argued. He asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I told him that tonight was a big misunderstanding and a mistake this set him off. We were gaining speed fast. The roads were slick from the three straight days of rain that we had been having.
I told him slow down
He sped up
I told him let me out
He didn’t listed
I started crying
He started yelling
I tried to calm him down
He sped up around the corner
I scream
The wheels screech
Then . . . we are airborne
I always thought I would die peacefully in my sleep or of old age after I live my life to the fullest…I was wrong none would have guessed that this would be the way I went.

The car rolled three times and finally landed at its final resting place in the ditch three miles away from the party. As we rolled I feel the glass shatter all around me I see bright lights from the on coming cars, my heart pounding I am still screaming…then silence. We stopped. The silence enclosed me with its terrifying grasp. I feel the wet cold pavement on my back. I try not to cry as crying shows weakness. Lying there in the pool of my own blood coming in and out of consciousness I finally wake to hear sirens filling the air around me. Hearing the paramedics repeating my name over and over again to try to hear a response come from me. I open my eyes to see five paramedics rushing around me. I try to sit up but can’t I try harder and harder but fail the tears spill out of my eyes. I hear everyone around me but one voice stands out my mother, she screaming my name telling me to wake up. I so desperately try to tell her I am ok and comfort her but I can’t. The paramedics try to explain to my mother that I have lost to mush blood and that there is a very little chance of me surviving. The paramedic standing over me reports that I am breathing short and shallow breaths but I am breathing and my eyes are open. I can hear my mothers’ voice get hopeful and tells them that her daughter is strong and that she will make it. But out of the same mouth came the words saying when the time comes to drinking my daughter will make the right choice . . . and she was wrong if she were right I wouldn’t have died.

After this I hear every one stating that Connor is okay and that he made it with minor head trauma. I fell asleep and woke two days later at the county hospital. My mother sitting at my besides sleeping I look at her tear streaked face, puffy eyes, and the heavy dark bags underneath her eyes. I heard the door to the room swing open and shut. The nurse saw my open eyes bright and glassy she said good morning. The click of the door that followed behind her woke my mother. My mother slowly opened her eyes and quickly glanced up to my face. Seeing that my eyes were open gave her relief. Tears rolled down her pink cheeks and collected at her chin she smiled. She knew that I couldn’t talk but she knew exactly what I was saying. At first she started to tell me that she wasn’t upset about the choices that I have made but rather she was upset at her self for letting me do this. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that she was wrong and that she was an amazing mother and did everything possible with what she had. My father walked out on us on the day of my 5th birthday party. He kissed my head gave me my birthday card and gave my mother my 16th birthday card which she held on to for me till that day. She has gotten me through my entire child hood taught me right from wrong and always taught me to be independent. She raised me and my brother the best that she could. And I am grateful and proud to call her my mother. She told me that she loved me and that I was exactly the daughter she wanted. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry that I wasn’t the perfect daughter that she taught me to be. My brother opened the door and rushed to my bedside. He sat and waited till all the tears were shed from my mother’s eyes. My mother nodded to my brother got up kissed my forehead and walked out the door. My brother took my hand and started to tell me everything. These were his exact words,
“You were the best sister that I could have ever asked for you never disappointed me till now. I don’t mean for this to sound mean. I am disappointed that you didn’t tell me where you were going. But also I understand. I love you and I always have. I want to let you know dad never walked out on us because he didn’t love us. He loved you to death; he walked away because he was scared. I know that you probably know this but I wanted to remind you that you are not a disappointment, but rather an unexpected improvement to the family that he wasn’t ready for. I love you and I know that you are strong and that you will get through this like you got through everything else. I am not going to say good-bye because I am not ready to let you go. I love you and I will see you soon.”
Kissed my cheek and wiped the tears from my eyes and told me not to be afraid and walked out of the room. I saw him lean against the wall across the hall and cry as he slowly slid down the wall and cupped his face in his hands. I hated to see him hurt. But I knew that he was trying to be strong for me. I watched people come in and out checking the monitors and say there goodbyes. In between the visits I rest and think about how the person who took my life may live to see a better day, to have children, to travel, to experience, and to grow old knowing they live there life to the fullest. It hurts. This person never thought that that first sip could change my life and many others including my families. But mistakes are made and everything happens for a reason. The one thing I wish most was that I cold tell my mother that I am sorry and that I love her and she did the best job at raising me with what she had. But to my brother I would tell him that I admired and looked up to him every single day and he was the best big brother anyone could imagine. A lot of the great things that you did went un-noticed but yet you still did them weather you got praised for them or not. You were my idol and I did the best job to make you proud.

Then finally I took my last breath and my eyes close one final time… to never be open again.





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