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They said "you've only got one day left" and i looked at the candle, balancing on top of the burned cake.
It was the only thing keeping me stable. I decided then that the candle had to be kept lit or else the fire burning inside me, urging me to stay alive would burn out and all hope would vanish.
I got dark in the main room and one by one , lights were turned off in the hallway, chasing down the room where i stood, like a beast chasing it's prey.
It was a long shot but i was hoping, wishing, not to fall asleep, because the hardest part was the thought that this might be my last breath.
Every night had to be lived like the last one.
Although i knew my life was good, even great, i was certain that i hadn't done everything i wanted to, or possibly could do.
Like climb mount everest or sky dive. or even ski.
I've never seen snow, it has always been a mystery to me. Is it smooth? or hard like real ice? i was very curious.
When i was little i used to put on movies where there would be snow and i would open the fridge, curl myself in front of it, close my eyes and dream of skiing and snow angels.
i lost that feeling when i came here, now snow was just a silly thought, unrealistic even. i had to let go of all of my silly dreams, the doctors wouldn't allow it.
Here i was now, lying still, waiting for day to come.
“Everything is simpler when there's sunlight”- my dad used to say. I believed him because the bad things in my life only happened when dark took a stroll around my house.
My dad died during night time. 8:16 to be exact, i asked the doctor.
When a patient dies, the surgeon is supposed to pronounce the time of death. I never really understood why.
Does it make it real?
if the doctor hadn't said the time when my dad died out loud, would he still be alive?
If that's true, i would've asked the doctor to keep it to himself.
That night, on the ride home, Noah kept crying and my mom didn't say anything. She didn't even yell.
It kept going like that for days, she would just ignore us, then her friends, then the neighbors, until she ignored herself.
For 5 years i took care of myself and my two little brothers. I'd wake up, take a shower, make breakfast then wake Noah and Daniel up and bring them to school. I stopped going there, i realized that there was nothing that they could teach me about life that i didn't already know , plus, i really hated teachers.
So during the day i would just read, or paint or hang out with some of the other kids who didn't go to school. Needless to say, we didn't have a lot of interesting conversation.
Then night came.
After the boys went to sleep i would just watch TV, until the clock hit 8:16. After that i would just go to sleep,like my dad did. Or that's what i used to tell my brothers. But i guess it's what i wanted to believe to.
I always slept in my mom's room, hoping one day to hear her sneaking in and telling us it was all a big lie.
That Friday i met Nicholas. I gave him my gum because he had lost his.
We were flying high that night. It was the first time i flew. It was the greatest feeling.
At first i didn't really understand what everyone was waiting for. They were all staring at each other, with curious smiles and searching glances.
Then it hit me. Oh that it did. First, I started laughing, you know, like kids do when they've done something bad but they're the only ones who know it.
Then i felt so weak and it was like my brain wasn't connected to my body anymore. My mind, my body and my soul began to separate and formed 3 separate people and they all began to talk at the same time. But i couldn't listen, because myself, my own little self was too busy having the time of my life.
I was everything and everyone. I was every race and every tribe. I was the mountains and the water. I was the fire glowing through the raw earth of every country.
I was just about everything you could ever imagine. Now i couldn't tell you exactly what i was on, i just don't remember. Little did my sad little teenage brain realize that the magic was illusionary and that the higher i got, the longer the fall...But we'll get to that later.
That faithful night, after some good convincing from my little brothers, i decided i was time for me to do what normal teenagers do and have some fun. After dropping the boys of at their friend's, I waited until 8:16 and got out to search for a place teenage braincells went to die ( as a realize now, with my mature adult like brain). I found the “brick” , this place on the beach where boys and girls went to have a good time', the place where he went.
Nicotine, that's what i called him. We danced together to the Ramones then he picked me up and made me turn, with the most exhilarated look on his face. When i looked up i saw the stars . They seemed to be dancing and humming very quietly as if they were telling me a secret with a narcotizing lullaby.
The absorbed me in the vast, unlit night. Night, i thought, My own personal ordeal. I was taught,well actually life taught me, that night was bad and i should be scared. Yet there was i was, defying it, being it, loving it...
Nicotine and i danced all night while we talked about movies, music and wonderlands.
At roughly 5 am, before the sun rose, he took me home and we went to sleep on my bed.
I suppose the average teenage thing to do in these situations is make out or have sex, but i guess we weren't average teenagers.
The nights following that one were the best of my life. Nicotine and i where like bread and chocolate, weird and sweet.
He saw what other people didn't, specially in me. The little details of everyday life average people overlook. He read a lot, like i did. His favorite book was “little women” which i found strange for i boy but nicotine just wasn't an average boy. He also took pictures, lots of them.
He showed me some of them, particularly the black and white ones. He used to say that people couldn't hide in black and white. The fake colors couldn't hide they're vulnerability anymore.
Without them, It was as if they were naked and the way the protect themselves showed who they were.
The pictures were amazing, they showed people. Just normal people, the ones you would see walking on the street or sitting next to you on the morning bus, just waiting. Except they looked different, somehow fragile. They're eyes all locked with the lens and there was a connection, a lifetime in one moment,
“i didn't choose them for nothing' Nico said “ they all had something special”
He never told me what but i guess only him could see that something.
We soon became inseparable: people didn't know jut Nico or Luna anymore. They knew Nico AND Luna. I was his muse, his inspiration. His photos become more and more creative as i took part in them. He showed me the first photo he took of me so i could see what he saw : they were colorful. I asked why and he said “ your color is natural, you have nothing to hide, everything you think, or feel is just you”
He called it pureness. I called it scary. I found most things scary in life. Life is pretty uncertain and unpredictable. It can be a thrill for some people, but it's fate is my worst nightmare.
But nicotine loved being surprised and he's why I'm still here, so i guess i owe fate a big thank you.
So as i said, things couldn't have been better. Actually, they could, and they would...for a little while.