i was never one to depend. i always knew how to be strong and get through the rough points. i always had faith in myself, i always had a stubborn mind and clenched fists. never once did i fathom of the day where i would be the one who reached out. i never wanted to be that one. i dont know when this began, when i started weakening, but i do know when i finally confronted myself. the twenty third day of march was like seeing the sun for the first time. my room was cold, the fan on high, the air condition turned up so high that it felt like the artic. my dad would have killed me if he knew..he thought that it "cost too much money" to turn the ac up. my door was shut, although i was the only one occupying the house. and Remembering Sunday slowly repeated in the background. i was completely zoned out, just looking straight ahead. last night was hell, but so were the last five nights. i felt so hopeless, helpless, meaningless. i didnt try to explain anymore, i just let them yell and yell until their little hearts were content. i didnt try to breakdown infront of my best friend.. she didnt need my problems,she was going through enough already. the only thing holding me together was the fact that i could escape by silence. the sun rose over my windows. i hadnt slept since forever. i couldnt find the peace in sleep anymore, my mind was too busy worrying to even think about resting. my eyes told the entire scenario, swollen and red, small enough for me to pass as a chinese chick. people had stopped asking what was wrong at school, they knew they werent going to find out. i was so sick of it, of all the filthy words, the disgusting faces, they were all wrong. they had no place in my life. and i was the one who let them all enter my mind, break down my body and force me to become this. sitting in a room waiting to get yelled at again. i was weak. i ran to the shower, stripped down and turned the water so hot that my skin felt like it was surrounded by fire. and i stayed there, just letting the water burn through. my shrieks echoed through the shower and my tears started to mix with the steaming water. after i let out all my anger, fury, stress, frustration i climbed away from the numbing water, my body was red, in some spots blistered. but it was a new skin, a tougher one. and i wasnt going to sit around anymore letting this ruin my life. i was ready to bury you.
June 30, 2009