Memoir of Regret

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I now come to what is most likely my worst and most regrettable memory I am cursed to bear. It
seems to me now, after a near lifetime of collecting these memories, they serve the single purpose
of tormenting the one who holds onto them. Even happy memories only serve to remind you of the
depression you are caught in now. Thenton walked and talked, laughed and smiled, and kissed and
hugged all the same as the first day he came into my life. The day my eyes were caught in his light
gray irises, and my heart was captured never to be released. But I knew he was getting weaker. He
was losing. With every day that passed, I could feel his skin grow colder. Day by day, as we held
hands, his grasp grew weaker. The truth soon engulfed me. I was going to lose him. And it was
going to happen soon. The fear I felt was like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. Everyday the
fear grew worse and worse. I remember waking up at times breathless, the air refusing to enter my
lungs. Thinking of it now I feel a tightness in my chest. Yet every time and every day I saw
Thenton, there was that resounding grin streaking across his face. Not a care in the world. He was
unreal. God, I will never understand, even to this day, how he did it. Death was breathing down
his neck, and sliding his decrepit arms around Thenton's body. But he never wavered once at the
thought of dying. I'm pretty sure he didn't even think about it, most of the time at least. He
shed not one tear, nor utter a word of fright. Meanwhile I woke every day with my heart torn to
shreds by worry. It seemed Thenton spent a great deal of his final days consoling me for my coming
loss. There was so much we could have done with our remaining time together if only I was stronger:
Listen to him sing my favorite songs in or secret spot at the park, or climb that tree with the
absolute perfect view of the sunset. What I wouldn't give to watch 'Definitely, Maybe' just
one more time so I could wipe my tears on his shoulder again. Yes, he actually watched crappy
romantic movies with me just to make me happy. Instead of all that, I blew our precious time in a
continuous sob parade. His support didn't falter once, though. It was my perseverance to smile
for my love with everyday that went by. But never was it harder to smile than that night, when my
helplessness blinded me, and transformed me into a desperate, pathetic creature that would do
anything not to feel useless to him, my everything. That night we had taken a walk around my block,
walking through the school yard, throwing stones at the 'repressive establishment' as we passed
by and picking out the brightest stars in the night sky. A beautiful night out. I quietly prompted
the ladder against the house when we arrived to reach my bedroom window. It had been a favorite of
ours to lightly bounce on the bed and moan and groan, pretending to do the dirty dance. Priceless.
We spent half an hour moaning, bouncing, growling, and giggling until we calmed down, pressed our
lips together, and laid in my bed, arms entangled and eyes locked. It didn't take him long. My
eyes were open, flittering pages to him. 'Phelia'' 'Yes?' 'You're thinking about
something'huh?' ''It's nothing.' 'Doesn't mean I don't want to hear it.'
''You might not like the question'' 'I'll try for you.' I winced, still uncertain of
how to say what I had been wondering about. I opened my mouth, letting out only breath, but after a
moment the words emerged. 'W I lifted my hand to his face and slid my finger along his brow. A
deep breath found it's way out of my lips. ''Thenton'' He smiled that timeless smile.
Even in the faint moonlight penetrating my window his eye carried the glisten that never failed to
twinkle glamorously I was suddenly filled with remorse. 'What if'you could feel it'' His
eyes grew slightly wider, and wider still as my hand that was soothingly caressing his head slowly
moved toward the buttons of my blouse. It was one of those moments you don't just feel your
heart; you hear it throbbing and churning in your chest. The effect was mutual. I could hear
Thentons' heart tapping a rapid tune against his chest, eyes wide-open orbs, his breath thrown off
pace and erratic. I couldn't deny it, my own desire to experience this 'pleasure' so commonly
mediated at school, or on t.v. or on the radio, in movies, and more than anything, I simply wished
to do something, anything, for him. Anything for my love. The reason I could smile in my heart no
matter what misery or bleakness the world had in store for me. He who my heart burned for like no
other. And yet, I couldn't shake it. I could not fight that crippling emotion that stung my body
so mercilessly. I was afraid. Ravenously, insurmountably stricken by fear, I was. With each button
I undid, my hands shook with growing intensity, fervently, uncontrollably. I knew he was good.
That there was no man like Thenton, and I knew the love I carried in my heart him was real, so very
real. But nothing I told myself could relax me in that instant. My mind was in fragments, My
thoughts cracked, my heart ablaze. My hand reached for the last button' Only to be stopped by his
hand. He stopped me. 'W-what are you doing? Don't you'want'' 'You're not ready.' I
gaped at him widely. 'Why'what makes you think'I'm not'' He pursed his lips, and gently
shook his head. 'Phelia, look at how you're shaking! Your eyes are welling up! You're just
not ready. And I'm not putting you through something you're not ready for. Never.' I must
have sounded so stupid clutching for breath, the strength of his statement working through me.
'Thenton'I'' His hands traversed my cheek once again. 'I love you, Phelia. I'll never
ask you to do something that'd hurt you.' And that did it. The tears came pouring down with
unrestrained discretion. My entire body was wildly shaking in his arms as he tried to coax me into
stability. The overwhelming feeling of uselessness bound me with nearly equivalent strength as
Thenton's arms. ''Thenton'' I managed between sobs. 'It's okay'don't worry''
'I just'don't'' 'Don't what?' I felt as if I was suffocating under this trauma of
reality. My chest tightened. I gasped for air as I fought my steaming tears. 'You'll be gone
soon and I can't do anything! I can't act like it'll be okay because I know it won't! I
can't make you happy because I don't know what to do Thenton! I just want you to be happy and I
can't do that for you!' That's when I broke down, burying my dampened face into his chest,
squeezing his weakened, thinned arm. I was convinced I could never look into those glowing eyes
ever again after showing my pitiful subconscience to him like this. But his hand slid under my
chin, directing me into the warmth of his gaze. 'Please stop.' 'But'Thent'' What a ditz.
Choking like that. I was so embarrassed'ashamed'frail. 'That's enough, Phelia.' I
suppose I had had enough. There were so many things dangling in my thoughts, things I was dying to
tell him. Insecurities I held lodged deep in the darkest part of my soul. Emotions I did my best
to quell yet flourished at my feeble attempts to do so. He made me feel such weakness at his sight,
yet around him I felt I could do anything. I was in awe whenever around him. His presence, at
times, didn't seem real. You could say it felt like a dream. ' I will always regret not having
more time here. I love my mother. John has been amazing to me. But you'Phelia. You're the
first person I speak to in the morning, and the person whose voice soothes me to sleep. It'll be
much easier for me to'leave'now, because of my time spent with you. My fears of death are out
the door, because I got the chance to be truly happy before my time was up. I wasn't looking for
salvation'just'a reason to smile.' He smirked at me. 'You gave me one Phelia.' I lost the
battle with his serene gaze. Those eyes that read me like poetry, beautifully and smooth. I sought
the refuge of his chest again, as the convulsions of tears began to overpower me once more. He
whispered in my ear. 'Thank you for being my reason to smile.' And the night flew by, with every
tear drop that fell on my cheeks his consoling presence loomed over mine. Nothing was more relaxing
than his hand squeezing mine. His scent lifting fragrantly of his chest, filling my nostrils,
teasing my senses. All throughout the night' 2 months later he was gone. It was a good thing the
casket was closed. I would have jumped in there with him without a moments hesitation, to spend
eternity at his side, watching him sleep, tracing his lips with my finger, finding peace in the pit
of his chest. Forever.





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