A Fair Abel

March 3, 2009
His hands ran down my back and his lips were smashed upon mine. His body consumed me, engulfing me
in passion. The sun peaked over the hills shining its bright rays across my face. The light
burned my eyes so I turned away trying to hold onto a few more moments of sleep. I reached out to
wrap my arms around Cain to find an empty space. Swiftly I sat up looking for my angel, my lover,
Cain. I threw on my boxers and ran down stairs. Jessica glared at me from the kitchen and went back
to painting her nails. My breaths shortened, my chest constricted and tears came to my eyes. I
swallowed hard trying to remove the lump from my throat but it only grew larger. Anger took me over.
I couldn't think, couldn't control myself, I couldn't breathe. My parents glanced in my direction as
I darted back up the stairs. Not again, not this time. I wasn't about to be left again. I finally
found someone who I could lose myself to, to forget about him. Now he carves a wound into my heart
just as Aiden had. I gave myself to them, devoted my life to make them happy, to please them. I
remembered how they use to kiss me, reward me and how everything felt so perfect; however I was not
broken into thousands of pieces. What had I done wrong? What was wrong with me? These thoughts raced
threw my head as I opened my hand carved wooden box. There sat my razor reflecting the sun's happy
arms trying to comfort me, and that's what this was for. To comfort. I placed the edge of the blade
and dug into my skin. The blood flowed quickly but it couldn't keep with my tears. My heart pounded
pushing the blood out faster with every beat and though it hurt it was nothing compared to the pain
inside me. Clenched tightly in my hand, the razor cut deep making me bleed uncontrollably. I held my
wrist close to my heart and closed my eyes waiting for the devil to take me where I belong. The
second I began to daze off into my everlasting slumber I heard feet slamming up the stairs. As the
black surrounded my entire being I was pulled back. My eyes flung open to see my mother's angry
face staring at me and her hand grasped around my wrist. Pain shot from within me to every inch of
my body. Her other hand came across my face and her voiced boomed over me. I gasped in as I saw my
mother cry and pull me close. Words flew out of her mouth and smeared into a quite murmur of
worries. Tears began to swell in my eyes once more. I spread pain to everyone, I was selfish and did
everything wrong. This was not the first time I tried to kill myself, and this was not the first
time my mother held me close and cried, but I knew I wanted it to be the last. We know otherwise
though. She dressed my cuts and tried to comfort me by letting me know I always had her. I loved my
mother but she couldn't make me feel whole like a man would as he entered me body. The love she
gave could never compare to that so called love. I promised her I would be fine and never do it
again and she left. I lay back on my bed staring at the bandage on my left wrist. Jessica walked
into my room but I took no notice of her as she rambled on. "Abel you piece of s**t you ain't good
enough to keep a single boyfriend you get, so you go and hurt mum. That's all you have ever done;
bring pain to this family. The lump in my throat began to form as her words cut deeper than any knife had,
You go and start cutting yourself all because you're a jerk! And you can't
forget about David!' How dare she bring David into this? I turned to face her and saw her red hair
shape her perfect face, her full lips spurting off cruel words, I hated her. I began to raise my
hand to slap her and she began to cut into me again. "What are you going to do, hit me like him? Do
you want to have the guilt of me upon your shoulders too?" Clenched into a fist I laid my hand down
to look at her once more. I mumbled for her to leave and she smirked at me pleased with her work and
left. I got up and went to the bathroom down the hall and looked at myself in the mirror. My black
hair was sticking in every direction, my eyes swollen and red. I looked the way I felt, horrible. I
pulled out my concealer and got to work. I hid my blemishes along with the redness of my eyes,
outlined them in heavy black circles and combed my bangs to the side. Now I was ready for the world,
for the discrimination, hate and of course pain.





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