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A patron saint is what they all thought him to be. They would call him fancy names and bring gifts and good tidings. They would march down the street saying his name. They would talk about him in public and out of the mainstream eye. But he knew it wasn’t true. He knew what he was running from, and it was only a matter of time until that CD-R filled with the inconvenient truth got out to the public. All Adam wanted to do was be a regular person. Have a nice corporate job, a descent car, a wife, children and a mid-level home in the suburbs. But what he got was an executive position at the biggest firm in the entire state of New Hampshire. He got much more than he expected and it took him by surprise. Managing publicity movements, going to large meetings with a room full of twenty other CEOs waiting to hear what he had planned. A nice Mercedes SLR with a convertible hard top. To you this may seem like the dream life, but to Adam it was a nightmare.
Now you have to remember he started out slow. Doing small time advertisement for infomercials that aired at 12:01 at night. He never thought he career would take such a tremendous leap. This step in his life was one of a divergent path, one he had not intended. He had a wife, a clean cut woman, who pampered herself daily using as much money as needed to get that perfect look. She was slightly athletic an over achiever in college, and at the time exactly what Adam was looking for. He had turned down women who uttered the magical three words to him for her. Now he has grown tired of her prissy I’m better than you attitude and her spurning of emotion. To make matters simple Adam is lost. He is simply lost, and just wants to be found. He is trapped in a world of mainstream society and he doesn’t want to be there. He simply wants to live a simple life and be just another average Joe.
Back in the day when Adam was just starting out he never imagined that money and fame could change a person’s life so dramatically. He never thought that he would so appreciated by the people of his city. He only imagined driving a VW Jetta bought with loaned money. He used to dream about making it big and now that he’s there all he wants to do is get down. People don’t understand him, no one can see what he’s truly they can only see the corporate front that he puts on so that everyone will consider him a great man. No one can see the things that hurt him the most. No one can see his need for attention, or more his yearning for attention, for commitment.
“Today is a great day! It is the day that we will unite corporate business and become the largest organization in the world!”
The people cheered for him like you would cheer if your favorite football team won the super bowl.
“Today is not just another small step! Today is the creation of a foothold that will show the world just what we can do!”
“It’s amazing how a few words can make them cheer so loudly…” Adam thought to himself. As he stood on the podium in front of the seemingly endless crowd he wondered why all of them listened so intently.
“WHY! WHY WHY WHY! Why do I matter so much to you people?” The words were screaming in his head.
“You all think you know who I am; you think you know me like I am your neighbor or your brother! None of you truly KNOW me, and none of you ever will!” His thoughts became more and more powerful to the point that a single tear fell from his face, making the emotion of the audience increase.
“We love you Adam!” a small group of girls yell out, their eyes flooded with salty dripping water.
“How do they care so much? Why do they care so much? I did nothing for them, nothing to disserve all this recognition, so why?” The thoughts ran through his mind again.
At that very second a blur came over him, something unseen or heard of to him before. He was amazed and confused. No idea what was going on. He started to see visions, of people he had known of people who had truly loved him that he had left. Finally Adam was realizing his mistake. His failure had brought him so far in life that he had forgotten just who he was. He had forgotten the real Adam the real reason why he wanted a normal life. He floated as if in a fantasy world drifting through time and space. He was lost in his own mind, the subtle murmur of the crowd cheering for him soft in the back of his mind. He had forgotten his friends, his past loves, and his home. He had forgotten that small town in the rolling hills with beautiful trees and plants. He had forgotten the smell of fresh air and cool rain. All at once these things hit him like a bullet, striking him in the chest. In the one place it hurts the most.
In a single instant he is snapped back into reality and with both hands on his heart he realizes that the crowd is not cheering for him they are screaming for him. They are shouting out for any force of nature or mysticism to have its mercy on him. I guess you could say that too much pressure can be a bad thing, and they say that not knowing is one of the most painful things on earth, but who can say for sure what killed Adam E. Dilarken.
April 23 1957 – November 17 1999 R.I.P.