My life is like a ship. Its like the titanic. One day your sailing on the ocean, everything calm and everything right and then an iceberg comes along and hits the ship. You feel the ground rumble. The ship starts sinking, the ship starts flooding. Everyone starts panicking. There’s screaming and confusion as to how it happened so quick. The ship is sinking quickly, and the way to escape is through the lifesaver canoes. What if the lifesaver canoes are full? What if the only way out is by jumping into the freezing water? The main question is how can you get out completely? Yeah, you might survive the jump, but what's after that? What’s after that dive? You plunge into the water and drown. I am drowning. I’m too cold to swim any further, too cold to breathe, to cold to TRY. I can't see the surface. I’m still under the water. My lungs are suffocating without air. Light headed everything is a blur. All I see is the blue water. Swishing back and forth, waves crashing down on me. I think I can reach the surface of the water. But wait. What if I don't want to reach the surface? I wish I could leave this universe. Go somewhere where everything is dandy and swell. Somewhere where Death is a myth. Death is my enemy. It is the word that makes my eyes swell with water, makes my spine tingle, makes me turn to living stone. I never thought about death till now. It has punished me. It has ripped out my spirit and now I have more emotions than ever. PAIN, MISERY, CONFUSION, SADNESS, WORRY, and SORROW are invading my brain. Pain keeps opening a gap in my heart and it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. Misery keeps whispering “you hate life now that mom is dead and you feel nothing is good anymore.” I listen to her and I play those words over and over again. Worry throws negative things at me. I wake up in the middle of the night worried that even worse things will happen. My life is a living nightmare. It comes out every hour of the day and screams death at me. I can't escape my life. I try, but its impossible. I wish I could lay down. Lay down with my eyes wide awake, my body with no motion not even a small twitch, and my lips shut tight as if they were glued together to stop me from sobbing. MY LIFE WILL KILL ME IF DEATH DOESN’T FIRST.
THE SINKING SHIP, MY SINKING LIFE
June 23, 2009