Who do you think you are? Coming into my life and taking control? My heart wasn’t on the market. I didn’t even want to smile at you, but you came on strong. You knew what you wanted, and you just took it. No permission, no problem. I fell for you, so hard, just like I fell for him all those months ago. I should have known, I fall for anything that displays even the littlest bit of interest. I’m weak, but it’s not my fault. You and your perfect LA boy smile, all-natural, your perfect blonde hair, even the sand on the beach wishes it had such a spectacular color. Your amazing blue eyes that every guy around here envied because it drives us girls nuts. You and your stupid perfectly tan skin and rippling muscles that were shown off by your see-through white v-necks and your impeccable sense of style. But it wasn’t only that, it was the calm and cool way you presented yourself, your outstanding charisma, your hilarious little quips that left people begging for more. When you walked into a room every girl straightened her back and every guy was by your side, trying to be your best friend. But somehow, by some strange twist of fate, you sat right next to me every chance you got. I was affected, but I also felt oddly at ease in your presence, like you could protect me from everything, from the past, the stares, from the dangers lurking in every shadow. When you talked to me that first time, I swear I melted. “Hi! My names John, but you can call me Snake. What’s your name?” I looked up at your eager face, almost like you were a little boy meeting his new nanny for the first time, “Hi, I’m Roseanna.” You contemplated that for a while and responded with, “Well your mom must have been seeing into the future when she named you.” Yea I know, it was corny, but it was also sweet and it sounded so sincere. Later that year, you asked me out. I was elated, every other girl was instantly jealous. I obviously said yes, and those 11 months, 3 weeks and 6 days we spent together were amazing. You told me you loved me after 5 months and I already knew it from the start. We went on weekly trips to the movies and then to central park to lie on the rocks and listen to the various bands playing that day. We played in the pool all summer; during the winter we would have indoor picnics and camp-outs. It was a head spinning time, saturated with happiness and warmth and your tender kisses. Your arms felt like big metal rods of heat and your chest was my new pillow, your lips my new meal and your smell my new drink. You told me countless times how much you loved me and how beautiful you thought I was. Until that one day in the park. I remember it like it was yesterday, hell I’ve been playing in my head so much that it might as well have been yesterday. I was laying down on your leg and you were absent-mindedly playing with my hair. “Hey Rose.” “ Yea?” “ I love you, and you love me right?” “Of course!” “So it would be pretty hard if we suddenly just decided to split up right?” “What are you saying John?” “ Well it’s just that we’re so young and maybe it’s not right for us to be so exclusive so early on in our lives.” “Are you saying you want to see other people?” “I knew you’d understand baby! We could still be friends though right?” the we can still be friends card. I’ve used it plenty, but I never knew just how much it hurt. When I got home that day I didn’t cry, I just sat on my bed with my knees up to my chin and I tried to figure out what I had done wrong. I didn’t cry until the week after, but when I cried, I cried my entire heart and soul out. I cried every night for a week, not just because you broke up with me, because of all the memories I will never forget, all the happiness, and the pain and sadness that it ended with. I cried for all the girls of the world who have even been heartbroken, I literally felt like there was a huge hole inside of me and in order to make it smaller I had to let out everything I was feeling. Eventually I got over you, I had other relationships, other heartaches. And even now, as I lay here in my bed, surrounded by my close family, I still wonder, why exactly we didn’t stay friends.
We can still be friends.
May 5, 2009