Warmth

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Her blue eyes looked up at the overcast sky above her. It would be evening soon or was it already evening? She would be expected home any minute now, if she left now, maybe, just maybe she could make it back in time. Though, even as those words passed through her mind, her feet stayed exactly where they were. She should leave, she could leave. It wouldn't be so bad now. Yet she stood unmoving. Where she was? She couldn't really tell. Her mind jumbling what she had seen on TV and the internet slowly making their way into her own reality. She wasn't sure what was real...if she was even real.

Taking only one step towards the old wooden swingset like they had in the past; a simple board held up by two rust covered chains. The park was old, one of the many reasons that she could be alone here now. She didn't really want to be left this way, but better to be by herself than around the fake smiles of those around her. She sat down on it almost afraid of it falling. Her pale hands grasped the chains, the rust stained her hands a slight yelllowish color. Did she mind? Not really or to any passerby, that didn't seem to be the case.

What was it about swinging in the park that could make you feel like a child again? The days when everything could be made into a game, when everyone wanted to be your friend and you could just stand there, looking cute by doing nothing; everyone would want to hug you. It was almost like watching a ghost, the way you could be entranced by days long gone. You could see the contrast on the blue of her pants as the rain started to fall on it. One would want to cry out to her that she would catch a cold, that the rain would soak her, but if you called, she wouldn't listen. Her eyes slightly downcast while her head rested against the hand that held the chain.

Now, it was much to late to go home, if she went home now now she would get yelled at. Everyone knew it.

Lights started to flicker on around the park she still found herself in. The rain was a steady downpour now as she jumped in puddles, kicking the water away, giggling every so often when she was splashed back. It was so late now. So very late and she was goign to be in so much trouble, they weren't worried about her she was sure, but it wouldn't do for a parent not to know where their child was.

How could it be that dancing around in the rain, spinning in circles could make you feel like a child again? Like nothing can go wrong and you're this invincible being moving around in your own giant pool. You can control everything around you.

The rain was coming down harder even for her and chills ran down her spine. Now she couldn't go home no matter what. Lightning flickered in the distance followed by the sound of thunder, it frightened her a little, but not to the point of shaking. No. What made her shake was the suddan coldness she felt. Her little games were over. No one was here to help her, no one would come looking for her. She wasn't more anymore important than the pieces of equipment here in the park. Not covered and left to rot until they are needed for something else. If the playground is far too broken to be used, they demolish it. Would she end up like that?

The jacket that was wrapped around her was like a cold hug. It bothered her. She wanted warmth. She wanted a warm hug, not this. Not this at all. Her eyes darted around the area in front of her trying to find some form of shelter from the rain. Underneath the equipment? Would it fall on her? Shaking her head she sighed softly, moving under it.

"Please stay strong for me." She winced slightly hearing the crack of more thunder in the sky. Her pale hands moved to touch the wood, like one would a frightened child. "Don't be afraid...please..I need you to be strong..don't fall." She mummered quietly. Drops of water fell through parts of the wood that was splintered and broken. "You're tired..aren't you?"

The teenage girl asked the shelter quietly, while she ran her hands up and down the soggy pieces of wood. "You're tired of standing. You're tired of being strong. You're tired of being broken and no one to fix you." Her hands wrapped around one of the pillars that held it up.

"I'm sorry. I know you're tired, but please...I need you...don't break down on me..stay for me..just a little longer..until the storm passes.." She let out a soft cough as the cold feeling of her jacket once again returned. With slow shaking hands she removed herself from the pillar and took off her jacket, throwing it onto the ground.

"I should have just gone home." She sighed softly to herself realizing it was a stupid thing to say at this point. Letting out another sigh she fell to the ground wrapping her arms around her knees to keep warmth close. Her body was cold. She felt cold. This wasn't warm. This wasn't warm at all.

Tears started to fall down her face. This wasn't warm, but what did she care. What did she do to deserve something like that. Something warm to put around her when she was freezing cold. The sky was nearly light from all the lightning around her causing her to shiver in fear. Now she was afraid. She was alone, cold and afraid.


What was it about being alone that could turn you into someone completely different? Why did your darkest thoughts come to life and leave horrible marks on an already damaged mind? How you didn't want to listen, how you know it's not true, but with no one there to deny those thoughts, well, they made themselves into a bigger problem.

The rain finally stops and the girl looks up just a little from her locked gaze with her knees Should she even bother now? To go home? Besides, it was just so nice out now. She took a few moments to gather her thoughts before stretching out her legs in front of her. The jeans were dried and felt awkward against her legs, she hated the feel, but she couldn't very well take them off either. She would just have to deal with it. She was one of those girls, who could keep a smile, even when everything was going on around her. That's what she did. She smiled. A soft smile that seemed to make her face light up, no matter how fake it looked to anyone else.

Her head rested against the wooden pillar. The equipment above her, her savior. She may be a little wet and uncomfortable, but she wasn't sick. She wasn't completely drenched. She was cold, but she was safe. Her eyes shut while she listened to the world around her. Crickets chirping. That was it.

The playground was so old and it was only when she heard the groans of the overused wood, that she really saw that. It would be demolished soon and replaced by somethign new and shiny, when that happened, everyone would come to the park. In a way, she felt sorry for this thing. Afterall, for years it had let itself be stepped on and used, it had become broken and maybe at first people tried to fix it, maybe a new coat of paint or something like that. After awhile though, as it broke more and more, they just sat by and watched. Less people would come and it would be alone longer, in the end, it would just be torn down.

Maybe the playground knew that though, maybe it knew, but that didn't mean that it was okay with it. It must be a horrible feeling, the girl knew and felt sorry for it. All the piece of equipment wanted was for someone to play on it always, to find some worth out of it, was that what kept it standing for her? Was the fact she needed help something that made it able to stay together?

She moved over to pick her jacket up from the ground, her body moved upward into a somewhat slouch-stand. Slowly, she made her way out from under her shelter and she gave only a slight glance back to it unsure of whether to thank it for saving her or hate it for not killing her.

She started to walk foward, the steps were tenitive and something she had to force herself to do. She didn't really want to go home, she would much rather be somewhere warm. Maybe a friends house?

She sighed softly clutching her damp jacket close. She was going to get yelled at, maybe slapped because of this. Of course the girl knew this would eventually happen, she knew once the sky turned dark and lights flickered that she would have to face this. What she had done was simply push these thoughts into the back of her mind, only to have them come back with more force than ever.

As tears started to fall down her face again, she wiped them away with a mulch covered hand. It had only made it worse. Why was she crying now? Had it just hit her? Had everything come to mind right now? All that this girl wanted was a hug? Just a nice warm hug to make her feel better. Not a pretend hug. Not a fun hug, but a real hug. A hug she could maybe hug back in, maybe even cry. She didn't care if the other person tried to soothe her or make her feel better, she just wanted to be warm again.

Her face buried into the cloth in her arms while she kept herself moving. Each step was forced and becoming harder and harder to take. She didn't want to. She didn't want to. What she wanted was to turn back and run away to the playground again. Maybe hide under the old equipment or swing and never stop. Why did it have to hurt so much to go home? Wasn't home somewhere people wanted to go? When they came home from work? No, that's a bad example. Afterall, maybe people didn't want to go home.

They only place left to go after work was home. That didn't mean they necesserely wanted to spend their time there. Her stepfather, he did something honest. He didn't come home after work most nights, he spent his time doing something he liked. Drinking. He would go there most of the time and she could respect him for that.

It was the times her mother got angry that she sometimes felt bitterness towards him. Her mother would tell her what she thought of him, why she was angry at him, she would call him names, but never to his face. She would say things, but they were to her, never him. It's not as if they were directed at her, but just hearing those things said in the voice her mother used, it was enough even to hurt her. What made it just a little unbearable, was that was one of the rare times her mother even talked to her. The girl didn't feel angry about that either. It's not as if they had anything in common, even though their ages were similer and she had stressed out that poor woman so much growing up. She wasn't worth the time to speak too anyways.

She clutched the jacket tighter and tighter, burying her head into it, unable to say much right now. Say much to who though? No one was there. Slowly, her feet came to a stop in the middle of the road. What a stupid girl she was for doing that.

Out of the corner of her eye she barely registered the brilliant white lights, they were beautiful and in the back of her mind, she wondered if she was finally leaving this place, being transported elseware to a land better than here, like the various fantasy novels she read or the television shows she watched. The sound it made wasn't so nice, but the light was warm.

What was it about the scent of flowers and a stone slab that made you feel so powerless? You look upon the stone that had words torn into it and feel nothing. No relief, no happiness no sorrow. All you can think about is your own mortality. You aren't thinking about that one whose name was there, all you think about is what if this had been you. Someone you knew. You could gaze around the area and find a few people, maybe even the parents with their fake sadness. You can tell it's fake. They just want to go home.

Maybe the girl found her way back home too.





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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

Allison S. said...
Jun. 8, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I can totally relate to this story. I didn't really understand the paragraph with the car, but the story was really good.
 
lizzg said...
Jun. 5, 2009 at 3:20 pm
sad very sad
 
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