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Black Abyss I Now Call My Heart
I can no longer cry. All my body is capable of doing now is heaving and gagging because I wasted all of my tears. I could feel the heat of his hand on my back, radiating through his skin and my plastic gown. Even though he was trying to calm me down by rubbing my neck, shoulder, hand, I could still hear him silently crying too.
Looking up, I was blinded by the florescent lights that seemed to scorch down on me like the light bulb in a microwave. Adjusting my eyes, the doctors that surrounded me had looks of sympathy in their eyes. But, looking closer, I could see there was a coldness to them. So you don’t care that I can no longer call myself a mother? That when I get home, all of the baby clothes, toys, and booties I received at my baby shower will taunt me till I either throw it out or return them? That when I walk into the room that was for the baby, I will cry myself to sleep every night, wishing for death to have taken me and not him?
I glanced over at Aiden, just in time to watch as he wiped away the tears that pooled in his eyes. He was so young, yet looked to be older than time itself. I not only lost my son, but he did too. He’s no longer a father. Not the only one who will want to take the babies place when he has to help me pack up all of the baby gifts into boxes, marking them with sharpies, and putting them in a storage we will never go to again, but will have to pay. Have to go and buy a mini coffin and set up a funeral for someone who wasn’t even alive long enough for either one of us to see breath, sleep, smile…
Looking over at the little table that held Julian, I broke into a new wave of hysterics. His limp, bluish body looked so helpless. He never did anything wrong, yet had to suffer. The doctor saw me staring at my lost son, and picking him up, handed him to me. Holding the dead weight in my arms, I knew I loved him, but that was too deep down inside of me. All I could think about was the hate I had for whatever did this to Julian. For taking away the life he’s never lived. Aiden leaning over my shoulder, and kissed Julian on his forehead before cuddling his face in my neck, hair, then went back to shedding silent tears.
Putting my hand on his fragile face, I could feel how cool, yet soft he was. Looking at him, I saw he had Aiden’s face structure. Yet it wasn’t as masculine with the way his eye lashes were as long as mine. Putting his little hand to my lips, I kissed his fingers that once made imprints in my stomach, and an almost wave in the sonar gram. Handing Julian to Aiden, I closed my eyes and let the drugs that was used to take the pain away from the labor, to go to sleep. It was not only numbing the ache in my body, but in my heart, too.
Opening my eyes, I could see the red that stained my sheets and bedding were now gone, replaced my crisp ones that smelled of Pines. I was now wearing the silk pajamas my mom bought me from when I was coming home from the hospital. I could now see that the It’s A Boy balloons were now gone, as well as Julian. Feeling a cold hand atop my own, I looked over to see Aiden. Even though his eyes held a sadness I will never forget, he smiled at me. Not even knowing I was crying, he wiped the hot tears that spilled over.
Hearing laughter from outside, my best friend Ariel ran in with a bouquet of dyed blue daisies, decorated with plastic storks wearing baby blue caps. She looked incredibly happy until she saw me. The balloons and teddy bear she held in her hand fell to the floor, as well as the flowers dropping to the foot of the bed, on top of my feet. She ran to me, and he eyes asked me a question she wouldn’t dare speak. All I could do was shake my head as my body shook from the heavy emotions crashing into me. She kneeled to the floor, and taking my other hand, squeezed it, like she was trying to take the pain away.
I dropped out of my Junior year of high school because I found out I was three months pregnant in the between period gap before the class that I was taking my pre-SAT exam in. I remember crumbling to the floor in the girls bathroom, listening to the doctor on the phone tell me I was with child. Ariel was there with me, and me not telling her what it was, she ran to Aiden’s class. In the middle of his SAT, the test that determined his future because he was a Senior, she barged into the class and told him I was crying. He left the room, and his future, just to see if I was okay. Running into the bathroom, seeing me on the floor, tears smudging my mascara down my face, he knelt down, and I told him. At first, he was shocked, them worried, but finally, was happy. He told me that he finally has a reason to marry me earlier than expected. Which got me more excited than I should’ve been.
I remember going to all the doctors appointments, seeing his little body growing and maturing inside my own. Felt him move, and saw as he got bigger, making me buy more frumpy clothes so I could fit all of his 7 pounds, 8 ounces in. Now, the stretch marks are a constant reminder that I’m not the mother I was supposed to be. The maternity clothes that filled my closet are all going to Good Will, for mothers whose children will survive.
Even though Julian and I never got to know each other, I feel like since I carried him for nine months, him dieing killed apart of me. Now, I’ll have to go to school, and watch as people tried to be careful with their words. See as the teachers give me all good grades even if I didn’t do any work in their classes. All because I am now the walking dead, because Julian became my life, and with him gone, I’m gone too.
The next week, as the rain dampened my hair, I watched as they lower the coffin into the hole in the Earth. I looked around and saw as everyone I know cried tears for my loss. Show remorse for my pain. Penetrate sadness for my dead baby. The preacher drowned on and on about how it was this child’s time, even though he knew nothing about ‘this child’. Leaning my weight on Aiden, I made sure I let him know how much I love him with my eyes. Even though I will never be the same again, I had to do my best for Aiden. He needed me as much as I needed him. I love him with all of my heart, and even though we don’t have a child to complete this family, we can always have another one in the future. It will never replace Julian. Never fill the black abyss I now call my heart. But, if we had another baby, maybe one day, we can look back on Julian’s farewell as a time of sadness, and not of hate at whatever, or whomever killed him. And, for the last time, I said I love you to Julian on my knees while they still lowered his body. Mud caking my dress, I dropped the white rose I bought for him.
“I love you Julian, and I always will.” Then, he was buried over with dirt that was watered out by my tears as I cried on the floor. Aiden restraining me, and me trying to breath around the lump in my throat. I will survive, I just have too…
For Aiden. For Julian.