This World We Live In...

May 9, 2009
By misstayv PLATINUM, St. Louis, Missouri
misstayv PLATINUM, St. Louis, Missouri
32 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Tears rolling down my face as I stood near his grave, staring at the soil below my feet, I could think of nothing to say. My mind was blank. “Momma, I’m ready.” I said. Ms. Landor, our guardian, almost said, “Amanda I’m not your…,” before I cut her off saying, “Please Ms. Landor. I’ve been left with no one. I really need a mother right now and the least you could do is let me call you momma for just a bit. Please…” I begged. “Oh fine, but you don’t have to be so dramatic about it.” She told me, walking towards the car. I felt like I was nothing. My brother, twin in fact, had just…oh I couldn’t say it. Daniel, my brother, had just hung himself. He left me here without telling me goodbye at all. I felt empty now. I had no other family then him. I didn’t understand why would he do that to himself, to me? I got into the car and rode home. The ride home was the hardest and quietest ride I’ve ever experienced, not to mention the loneliest. The car stopped. I hadn’t even noticed we were home until Mrs. Landor called me to come in the house. I stepped out of the fancy car and walked up the path to the mansion where I lived, my head down the whole time. As soon as I got into the mansion, Ms. Landor jumped on the phone and began her daily chat. “Poor child,” I heard someone say on the other end of the phone. Ms. Landor looked at me standing in the hall all alone, and lonesome looking, and said, “She’ll be alright. It’s not like I haven’t felt it before.” She turned her head and began walking the opposite way of where I was standing. Into her office, she stepped inside and closed the door, not saying anything else to me other than, “Go upstairs and take a wash. You look a mess.” I slowly walked up the stairs and into the room Daniel and I used to share. I hadn’t been in here since the morning before he…passed. That morning, just yesterday, I’d gone down for breakfast. He told me he’d be down soon and he just needed to do something… I never knew that would be the last time I would talk to him. I did see it being kind of odd that when I was on my way down to the kitchen, just as I was at the top stair, he called my name. He then came up to me and told me he loved me, “I love you sis. Forever and always.” Then he kissed my forehead and told me to go “Go along now Manda.” I did notice he was acting a bit strange but I never worried too much. Oh, how I wish I had just asked him why he was saying such silly things, though telling me he loved me was not silly at all, it was just a bit queer at the time, to me at least. It’s too late now… I walked to his bed and sat down. On our dresser, my dresser now, was a picture of Daniel and I when we were little, and instantly I felt free of the emotional lock that had been placed on my heart at the instant moment I found out about Daniel’s suicide. I had cried a bit at his funeral, and a little more at his burial, but now tears were streaming down my face endlessly. I felt broken; single-handed, and lost without my dear brother. I laid my head down on his pillow, facing the closet where he had hung himself just hours ago. His pillow was drenched with my tears in just a matter of minutes. I put my hand under the pillow, my tears continuously flowing. I remembered the days when we were young, and my father was still alive. We were happy and things were good back then, but then a few years ago my father died of cancer. He never told anyone he was ill, and I never really noticed how weak he was growing. I was a child, and back then I just figured it was merely because he was old, though he really wasn’t, only being the age of 35 at the time of passing. All these years I’ve grown up without a mother, the reason being why I asked Ms. Landor to be my mother for just a little while before. I’ve never really had the chance to call anyone mother, and I don’t know I just wanted that feeling of having one, for only just a little while. I didn’t know where my mother was. I didn’t know if she was alive or not, if she cared about us or not, or even if she looked like me. My father never talked to us about her, and no one, Daniel nor I, had ever asked about her. We figured it would upset him, and of course we didn’t want to do that. Though our curiosity was eating at us, we kept our mouths closed. I squeezed the pillow and when I did I felt something like paper. I sat up and pulled out the paper. It was an envelope. I wondered to myself, “Why would there be an envelope here, underneath Daniel’s pillow?” I turned the envelope around, examining it, and written in Daniel’s hand writing was, “To Manda.” Manda was the nickname he had for me. He and my father were the only ones to call me Manda. I wondered if I should open it, the envelope that is. I thought about it, and I thought about it some more, and finally decided to open it. Slowly I began. I was so eager to find out what was written to me. I pulled out the papers, there was more than one, and sat the envelope down on the bed beside me. Slowly I opened the paper and a photo fell out. It was a picture of a woman. She was so young and beautiful, and she looked exactly like…me. I began to read…
Dear Manda,

I don’t know how to say this…or exactly what to say but… your mother, the woman in the picture, she died when Daniel was being born. This was not at all Daniel’s fault, so do not blame him. The autopsy showed that your mother died of pulmonary amniotic fluid embolism. It’s a highly unusual condition that is widely believed by obstetricians to be unpreventable. Amanda, your mother loved you both so much. She was so delighted, and happy, I swear it was the happiest I’d ever seen her, when she found out she was having the two of you. She was the love of my life. Her smile, her walk, her smell, and the way she talked. I was in love with every part of her and when she died, I felt like my life had no reason to keep going, but then I saw you two, and I knew I had to keep living because you were still here with me. You were the only parts I had left of her. I love you more than just because you are Amanda and my children, but because I have grown to love you more than that. I have watched your personalities mature and you as human being become beautiful and I know that you both have very promising futures… but before I go I have to tell you. I’m sorry I never talked about your mother until now, when I’ve only got so little time, but it pains for me to do so more deeply than I think you could imagine. I’ve kept this inside me for years and now it has come time to tell you that I am sadly dying of cancer. I’m sorry that I’ve kept something so horrifying away from you but I couldn’t tell you. It hurts almost as bad as telling you about your mother. I must stop now, but I hope to see you again, in Heaven with our Lord. Goodbye my love. I will always love you and Daniel. Remember me.


Daddy (Frank)
There were two more papers inside the envelope. One of the papers was a letter to Daniel and the other to me from Daniel. I skipped over Daniel’s letter and began to read mine.
Dear Manda,
I’m sorry for what you will have to live through without me. I didn’t want to leave you here all alone by yourself, but I couldn’t take it anymore. When I read the letter from father, I couldn’t believe what I had done to him, to all of us. I kept you from a mother. Yes, it was my fault. I did kill her no matter what father says I’ve always felt guilty for keeping you from a mother somehow. When you wanted to know so much about our mother, I didn’t care as much as you did, and I realize now that is because I didn’t love her. How could I not love my own mother, Manda? I don’t know if this makes sense but I cannot simply live my life on with theses thoughts in my head. They are killing me. I’m sorry I did not tell you before-hand, but I was afraid you would try to stop me, and I couldn’t let you do that. I know you are much stronger than me and I’m telling you don’t be a wuss like me and give up. I look up to you in almost every way and I don’t want you following in my footsteps. Pray for me in hell, or wherever I go, for I shall dearly need it. I didn’t choose this. It just happened. It was destiny, I believe. I Love you big sis. Always remember that. I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye…but I’ll be watching you grow from wherever I am. You have a good life ahead of you. Don’t let this break you.

With sorrow and love,

I couldn’t believe what he had said. He killed himself because of something he didn’t even purposely cause. Something he didn’t cause at all…not really. I screamed and tears were pouring from my eyes. I was angry, infuriated with Daniel. Ms. Landor came into the room and looked at me. “What’s wrong?” She asked. “My whole family is gone now and I’m here with you, and you treat me so horribly. I just…” I couldn’t even finish. I put my head between my knees and just cried. Seconds later unpredictably a pair of hands laid on my shoulders.

Ms. Landor, I suppose, said “I’m sorry. I…” I could barely make out what she was saying through my own moans and sobs. I looked at her and noticed that she too was crying. “Why are you crying?” I asked her. “You are Amanda’s little twins. My sister, your mother, she died. I’m sorry…I didn’t know.” I didn’t understand. “In the picture, that’s my sister. I took that picture.” “Why would you treat us so horribly?” I asked her. “I was told to discipline you.” She looked at me with a sad look. “I’m so sorry. Oh, Daniel.” She cried even more. This time she had her head in her knees. I wiped away my tears, and tried to be strong, like Daniel had said. “It’ll all be ok. I promise. It’ll all be ok…” I told Ms. Landor, my aunt… It was strange how things worked out. I didn’t understand it. This world we live in…what a strange place to be.

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