November 6, 2008
That night will forever haunt me. Had I made the correct decision, I would never know. He deserved it didn't; after everything he had done to me? I would keep trying to convince myself that maybe it wasn't my fault... but deep down I know it was. I had supplied; I had told him to calm down and take a fix...

This man started out as a friend... somewhat of a father figure I had never had. An escape route. Every time I walked away from Nathan I always ended up running back. He would strike me across the face, hand me a beer and deeply growl, "I knew you'd come back; you always do."

I hated Nathan, yet I was drawn to him.

I needed him...

We were a team.

A team I wanted no part in.

I was only 15, I wasn't sure if the life I was leading was right or not. But I did know it wasn't a normal teenage life. Terrible memories took the place of childhood memories. Getting drunk everynight took the place of getting an education. Crying myself to sleep drowned out the memories of before times like this. Nathan told me often I could be anyone I wanted to be, or do anything I wanted to do. Lies. His whold life was based off lies. I believe that deep inside he feels pain and loss--that he hides the real him from the world.
When I had seen my alcoholic mother and adulterous father both commit suicide... Nathan had come to me. Helping me find a way to heal the pain. And indeed he had taken away the pain, Nathan provided shelter and fed me; but he also had taken things that I wasn't ready to give away. Nathan had no limits. After three weeks of living with him, he threw a party. There wasn't one person at the party that wasn't high. It was Nathan's lifestyle and I had to adapt to it. He passed me the pipe; I wasn't ready for this.
It started out with that one action... that mistake. Things only went downhill. Nathan wasn't himself; I didn't know what to do. I panicked but my feet wouldn't hold me when I stood up on from the bar stool. I was conscious but couldn't move; someone had drugged me. A pressing pain as Nathan's body was on me. I screamed and squirmed but he was stronger. My clothes were off and I felt helpless. I had given up. Wishing I could say that event was a reoccurring nightmare, but its reality and happened countless times. I had taken Nathan's lifestyle and made it my own. I was now 17 and had lived with Nathan for two and a half years now. 'Why didn't I just leave?' was a question I asked myself daily. I kept reassuring myself the day was near that Nathan would change, or that I could build up to leave. I don't know what was stopping me.

A party was being thrown tonight by Nathan; there would be drugs and beer. Two things Nathan couldn't resist.

People started to arrive and the kegs were brought out. Nathan escorted me to the back room, we had taken this walk countless times... each time forced to give him what he needed, or better yet wanted. He turned around to lock the door but he had no time, and what began as a whisper rose to a shout as I screamed 'No!', so loud the following silence was deafening. He obviously didn't know what I meant so he continued towards me. He pushed me onto the bed and I stood back up. He asked me what I was doing but I just handed him his bag of cocaine. I had never stood up to him before and it felt good... I felt stronger for once. A snort in the left nostril and sat down staring up at me with a sad, childish look in his eyes. All of the sudden he started frothing and foaming at the mouth. "Nathan." I searched for a reply, until I saw his two, beautiful, dark blue eyes roll back into his head. "Nathan!? Answer me Nathan. Wake up. What's wrong? Don't you dare leave me Nathan, I need you." On the bed now shaking his limp body waiting for a sign of life. There was still a pulse but his body was convulsing. What if he had to go to the hospital he'd probably have to go to jail for drugs and I realized how much he provided for me, I was nothing without my partner. Kevin, Nathan's friend walked in and ran to his side asking what had happened and I sat there with a glassy look in my eyes unable to speak or even move a muscle. Kevin told me I couldn't tell anyone what had happened and that he'd take care of it. A year later and I still don't know what Kevin did with Nathan's body and I don't want to know. Living on my own was hard and every now and again I wished desperately for a hit but never gave in. After what seemed like 100 AA and Drug Relief classes, I never went back to alcohol or drugs. The guilt in my head took over and I was in depression. It was my fault; Nathan's accident. A regret I will never live down... a regret that haunts my dreams... a regret that I think about every waking moment.

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This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

Tanya L. said...
May 10, 2009 at 11:47 pm
this essay is veryy poerful like i felt there in yur shoes but very interseting.!
tor10jax said...
May 10, 2009 at 5:17 pm
It's really interesting and intriguing, but it's missing explanations. How did she finally get the courage to stand up to Nathan? How did she meet Nathan? How is she supporting herself now?
Jaquie This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 8, 2009 at 1:39 pm
That was amazing. I don't know if its true, but if it wasn't for you surly it was for someone else. This is such an issue that I makes me sick to think that there is thousands of situations that fit in with this one. Wonderful work writing this.
God Bless,
*LunaNight* said...
May 7, 2009 at 11:07 pm
that was absolutle genius. so realistic that i could feel Nathans body convulsing as i tried to revive him. incredible...
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