love, pain, death

April 27, 2009
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“Hey!” yelled Ben “look there’s ten tone rhino,” everyone cracked up laughing as I walked in. I wasn’t even fat.
“Leave her alone, Mr. Pinker bellowed out in his deep friendly voice.
I went and sat down next to my best friend Jamie “hey J. sup?” I noticed a bloody knife in her left hand and her right long sleeve stained with blood, new and old.
Jamie ignored me and put her knife away
“Jamie-Lee?” Mr. Pinker asked as he called the role. As there was no reply and he swore he had seen her he looked up to search his class-room. “Ah… there you are Jamie-Lee please reply when I call your name.”
“Jamie-Lee?” I asked confused
“Yeah that’s my real name,” Jamie replied looking depressed.

The lesson continued on till the end and every little chance Ben had he tormented me. “Dinggg…” went the school siren for recess. I got up and handed my work to the teacher. As I was doing this Ben and his mate Kang thought it’d be funny to hide ‘chuck’ my favorite file out the window on to the ledge. By the time I realized everyone had left the room except for Jamie, Mr. Pinker and myself. I was so confused, angry and annoyed that I just grabbed my bag and ran home.

When I got home, Mum was at work, my little psycho brother was at school and my annoying step-dad was at work; so I was left in peace and quiet. As I had nothing to do so I went to bed and slept my anger off.

I woke around four to my little brother jumping on me. For a second I thought mum sent him in here but she didn’t so I yelled at him to go away and leave me alone and went back to sleep. It turned out she wanted me, so I crawled out of bed and walked half asleep into the lounge room “what do u want?!” I was still half asleep and still angry, so it came out a bit wrong.
“I have to things to say!” she sounded so carmful that that it bothered me. “Firstly don’t yell at your brother he’s only six years old; secondly why did you skip school today?” I turned and stormed back to my room. Once I was in my room in my sparkly –usually- blue eyes, my checks were tear stricken and I knew what I had to do. I went and put my Marilyn Manson C.D. on up loud, after which I went in search of my red pocket knife, I could not help but think ‘it’s MY fault!’ ‘I don’t diserve a life…’ etc.
“I found it!” I shouted with depressed joy. As I went back to my comfortable bed, my cat lynx tripped me. “Shit!” I yelled in pain. I didn’t really care that I got hurt; it felt good the pain was the best thing that I had felt in ages. I got up and limped to my comfortable queen-size bed. I put the clean knife to my wrist –no scars- and pulled down hard but not to hard

By the end of the night there must of been three light grazes on my left wrist. As it got further into the week there were more and more cuts getting deeper and deeper. I started wearing long sleeve shirts under my tee-shirts.

It got to the end of term four and I went to my mate Ellen’s pool party, without thinking I did not were a long sleeve shirt, so when Jamie came over and jumped on my back she saw my wrist; it was covered in scars and cuts from three and a half terms of cutting.
She pulled me aside and asked me curiously “I may cut but, why you? What’s your reason?”
I started crying, J. moved her sleeve up to show me her old and new painful scars on her right arm. “It’s not healthy. I want you to meet ma mate Josh.”

“Why?!” I sounded so nasty.
“He cuts, he hates it, and he wish’s he neva did.”
“And what does diss crap have to do wid me?!” I was getting annoyed pretty fast.
“Sara-Jayne!”
“DON’T EVER BLOODY CALL ME THAT!!!” as I yelled I caught everyone’s attention. “You should know that Jamie-Lee,” I retorted, by this time I was bawling my eyes out.
Ellen wondered over, “Everything okay?”
“Yeah were fine,” J. said, “Just… err… talking.”
“Yeah were fine just talking and now finished,” I said looking at Jamie.
“You sure?” Ellen asked me, “Looks like you’ve been crying Sara... well anywayz, you guys are missing out on all the fun, come back to da party.”
“Finally someone got my name right!” I looked back at Jamie quickly and continued “yes we are fine were just talking.”
“All the way over here?” Ellen laughed.
“Its private stuff o...kay,” J. calmly told Ellen.
“And we’re coming now.”
“Cool,” Ellen replied with an eyebrow raised.
I walked off with Ellen, leaving Jamie standing there alone and confused.

A few days later after the party, J. came over to ‘talk’ with me.
“Knock knock,” someone called out
“Who’s there?” mum called out.
“It’s Jamie, and a surprise for Sara.”
“Come in, Sara-Jayne is in her room.” Mum told J. politely “dought she’ll let you in though, I haven’t seen her since Ellen’s party.”
“You call her Sara-Jayne?” Jamie looked surprised. “She goes psycho when we call her that.”
“I have since her birth and she knows I won’t call her anything else,”
Jamie turned and walked to my room. “Knock knock, knockity knock,” J. called out.
I knew instantly it was Jamie. I ignored her and their it was the actual knock.
I unlocked the door and yelled “GO AWAY!!!” it hurt me to yell, it hurt me to talk, it hurt me to swallow; I had hardly ate or drunk anything since Ellen’s party. After I yelled I slammed the door in her face and locked it again.
“What’s your problem? We’ve only come to see how you are… I suppose WE’LL just leave and go home!” Jamie and her surprise pretended to walk off.
“Jamie wait,” it didn’t come out, my throat was so sore. I opened the door.
“Can we come in?” a dude with a Marilyn Manson tee asked. He was tall with ear length black hair and beautiful green eyes.
“Sar meet Josh, Josh this is Sar. The one I was telling you about on the bus here.”
“Jay told me about you; with err… your problems. I wanna help.”
I stood aside, nodded then went and sat in the corner of my bed near the wall. As much as I wanted to say ‘cool shirt dude,’ I could not have and didn’t want to make a fool of my self.
“Have you eaten or drunk anything since Ellen’s party?” Jamie curiously asked me, sounding worried at the same time.
As I wouldn’t talk and I sat there with a blank look, Josh got up from the edge of bed were he was sitting to look for piece of paper and pen for me. He handed me a navy blue pen with small white writing –my favorite pen- and a black lecture book, I had on my desk. I took the pen and lecture book, Josh sat down beside me. I started writing. I wrote wat the hell do u want me 2 write??? As I wrote josh watched
“Have you eaten or drunk since Ellen’s party?” Josh replied with concern.
I hesitated a second, wrote I drunk a little bit of water last night and pointed to the pump bottle on my desk.
“Sar have you eaten anything?” J. sounded really now as she spotted a blood stain on my sheet -and I usually don’t have a mark on them-
I scribbled no! and don’t tell J. she’ll have a go at me...
“Okay,” josh said as he took the pen and lecture book off me and started writing. He wrote you shood eat sumfin. It not good 4 you to... well starve ya self...

They day went on and I ended up eating a meal josh made for me, josh and J. left with more know then they came here with. After they left I locked my self back in my room. It was probably about seven thirty p.m. the house phone rang, not once, not twice, but three times before mum picked the phone up -as usual-
“Hello,” mum said
“Err… can I please talk to Sara?” an anyomonys person asked.
“Josh.”
“I’ll try; she might not open the door. She locked it again.”
“Just tell her that Josh rang,” he disappointedly replied.
Mum put the phone down and came to my room, “someone’s on da phone by the name of Josh wants ya Sara-Jayne.”
“Okay, I’ll be out in a minute,” I yelled back.
Mum walked back to where she had laid down our old but cordless phone, picked it up and told Josh, “She’ll be out in a minute. So how do you know my daughter?”
“Jamie, I was the guy who was here before hand,”
Josh exclaimed.
“Hey, man it’s me,” I said in a nice and friendly voice.

We talked for the next three hours about problems we both have. It was probably about eleven p.m. that we both had to go to bed. I slept threw the night happily knowing that I would wake to a surprise.

“This is Brian and Stewy, please your name and number after the beep. Oh and if this is mom can you please send us money ‘cus were collage students and we need money for books and highlighters and Ramón noodles and condoms for sexual relations our classmates.” That was my alarm tone for seven thirty.
“Damn,” I thought aloud, “another bloody day of boring crappy school
Knock knock. Someone was at my door.
“Come in,” I called. “Who could this be?” I laughed as Josh walked in.
He walked up to me and whispered, “I’m going to regret this later,” in my ear, -as he hugged me- so soft, so meaningful that it made me want to cry.
I looked up to him, “what are you going to regret?”
“This,” he lent down and put soft lips to mine, Josh was so careful not to go against my will that when he withdrew, I pulled him back for more.
We were kissing passionately for the next ten or so minutes, until he pulled away and with tears in his eyes said, “I can’t; I have a girlfriend. I’m so sorry, I only came here to ask you if you wanted to make a pact wid me,” by the time he had finished saying what he said, we both were in tears.
“Why did you kiss me then?” I cried “What kind of pact are you talking ‘bout?”
“Because!” he paused “I have feelings for you, and at the moment they’re stronger for you then Kath.” Josh took a deep breath in and said “about the pact… it’s a suicide pact; you and me. If you say yes I’m going to break up with Kath. for you.”
“Why a suicide pact?” I started calming down.
“Because I want to end my life, but I’ll only do it with you. Can I please use your house phone quickly?”
“Yeah sure the phones over there,” I pointed to the old yellowish phone sitting on its hook. “Why commit suicide? What’s the point?”
“The point is to start a new life as someone different,” he explained as he walked over to the phone.
“Even if I say yes, when, where and how are we going to do it?”
He picked the handset up and put it to his ear as he pressed in the number’s he muttered “9-3-4-2-7-7-8-9” to him self, the handset started to ring, but only could be heard by the person who had the head set near there ear. “ten or so months time, and hang ourselves?”
“Why ten or so months and not now?” I started worrying what would be in ten months or so…
“I’ll tell ya later. Hello, is Kathleen there?”
“Yeah she is may I ask whose calling?” a strange but familiar voice queried.
“Josh.”
“Yeah sure let me get her for you,” the familiar voice said as she put her phone down.
“Hey, babe sup? “ Kath happily asked.
“Not much…” Josh paused for a second; I could see the tears in his eyes again. “I w-w-w-wanna break up.” He was stuttering; I could see he was in pain. “I’m sorry.”
“But why?” Kathleen sobbed.
“What’s the point of going out with someone if you don’t have feelings for them?”
Kathleen hung up. “Beep beep beep”
“You didn’t have to do that you know.”
“I know but I have more feelings for this beautiful girl who is funny and more like me.”
“Who diss?”
“You, who else?” as he said this he started hugging me.
I pulled away, “I’m not a boyfriend stealer! I was trying to think were I had heard Kath's voice from, and I realized she is one of my friends from school. Sorry”
“It’s cool,” I could see the disappointment in his eyes. “I gotta go, it’s getting late…”
“It’s only midday.” It had been so long since he got to my place that I realized about school and didn’t care.
“it takes me two hours to get home and my brothers party’s at four and I gotta get ready for it.”
“Oh by the way,” Josh stopped and turned around. “If you don’t say a word to Kat, I will go wid ya.”
“O…kay, didn’t you just say no?”
“Yep but if ya want I can keep at a no…”
“No no I’m right.”
“And about that pact, how, when and where?”
“How eva ya want, in a few months and where eva ya want, your choice. But you have to promise me one thing…” Josh had a smile on his face.
“What do ya want?”
“For this to stay between us, and you to keep living like you have been -just wid eating-“
“of coarse, starving ya self is no fun… lolz”
“weird, can I have one more hug before I leave?”
“yeah, I wouldn’t let you leave with out one.”
As we were hugging it all started, I thought I had finally found a good side of life, for now… at lest.

I stopped cutting once I found out I was pregnant. It was probably three months after the twenty seventh of January -when my monthlies were due- that I found out I was pregnant.
“What!!!” Josh looked worried and confused, “how long?”
“Tree, three month’s I think… and I’m keeping the baby. It’s not for another seven and a half months till I'm going to be telling mum that I’m pregnant.”
“Whose is it?” Josh was now looking concerned; he pulled me into his lap.
“Yours babe, yours. You're the only guy I’ve had sex with and it’s gonna stay that way.” I was happy and glad that he was going to let me continue with my plan.
“How are you going to hide the pregnancy?”
“I’m moving out of home. I’ve found a share house, it’s just wid Asian's and it’s close to school. Mum already knows I’m moving and she’s fine with it.”
“Your moving in with Asians? That’s err… a little bit weird isn’t it? Well for you anywayz...”
“ha ha very funny..” I said sarcastically. “I know these people; friends from school, and it’s only till I tell mum, and yes we are going to be jumping in august babe, nothings going to stop me.”

**

Dear Uncle John,
Sorry for the late reply but I’ve been caught up and haven’t had time to sit down…

I told mum last month -around six months- and I had to move back home, she was peeved. She won’t let me see or speak to Josh anymore & as it is I have to lie to her to go out wid ‘friends.’ How bad’s that? She thinks we’ve broken up, but I love him 2 much 2 leave him…

I’m going 2 San Fransico in September with josh and the baby; I want you to come with. I have a bday present I want to give you when we’re over there…

Well I am off, I got a doc appointment.
xxsarbearxx


***

Everything went as planned, my Uncle came along to San Fransico; he was glad he was invited. Exactly one month after the baby’s birth on the twenty seventh of September, Josh and I left the baby with my uncle so we could go for a tour of San Fransico alone. We decided to ‘walk’; as we got to the Golden Gate Bridge,
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Josh was ‘happy’ -if you could call it that- that we gotten this far.
“Yeah I’m sure. I left a note with uncle at the bottom of the baby’s nappy bag…” I paused for a second, “I think. He should find it… hopefully.”
“Cool,” Josh was smiling by now.
We walked along the bridge to about the middle, hand in hand and on the count of three we jumped.

That night around six thirty when we were due home two hours ago my uncle got worried and went down to the local police station.
“Excuse me; my niece and her boyfriend was suppose to be back at the hotel at four thirty and I’m really worried.” Uncle John was in tears and the baby was crying.
“What did they look like sir?” the police lady asked.
Uncle took a picture of Josh, the baby and I, he pointed to me “this is my niece, her boyfriend Josh there baby.” He point to Josh then the baby. “You must be hungry,” uncle pulled a bottle out of the bag, but attached to the bottle was a letter.
“I’ve seen them before. They came in about two hours ago. I’m sorry sir.” The police lady sounded sad as if she knew.

***

Uncle, if you are reading this I’m either dead or about to die; I’ve jumped off golden gate bridge with Josh.

Plz take care of the baby; you can name him. He is yours to look after. Can you plz tell mum that I love her and forgive her; I know you don’t talk to her but still… Thanxz for everything. I found a new lyf wid Josh; a lyf of freedom.

ILY Sarbear xoxoxoxoxo



P.S. I’ll see you in my next life.

***

Uncle burst into tears.
“Sir are you okay?” he handed the note to the police lady.
“I can’t believe it, she was so happy.”
“We’ll need you to identify there bodies, sir.”

He identified the bodies and took them home in ‘jars’ uncle john named the boy after his father and unfortunately, Josh grew up and did the exact same thing as his parents and jumped off the golden gate bridge, with only one difference, he was alone.





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This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

Sarbear This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 14, 2010 at 7:38 pm
sad... but amazing... keep writing!! love your work!
 
Ross L. said...
May 9, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I Like It :) Really Sad, But Good.
 
carrahbaybee said...
May 6, 2009 at 9:44 am
thats a heaps madd story keep going lol u could be famous one day!!!
 
Rashel said...
May 5, 2009 at 9:30 pm
That so sad
 
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