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My fathers depth perception

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A mother.

A daughter.

A man.

All Living.

All Dead.

I look up. One man stands covering my shadow with his lies.
He looks at me slowly. I feel like I am soaking it all in. Its filling me up like a balloon.
“I see you,” he starts.
“I see you,” I mock.
Hurt me. Hurt you


I cover my bare naked body as I scrub every inch of myself trying to rub away all the hurt.
It doesn’t work. I start to cry. Silent tears roll down my cheek. Its hard to feel myself crying because I am letting the boiling hot shower rain fall down on my tired skin.
Head in hands. Cry. Die.
“Look at yourself” I whisper.
I stand up look at my body from the faint reflection in the shower screen.
All I see.
All I feel.
Numbness.
Disappointed I hit the glass in frustration hoping it breaks and cuts my hand off.
It doesn’t.
I slam my back against the freezing cold wall of the shower. The shower turns cold. I decide not to fiddle with the tap handles to make it warm again so I sit back down.
Letting it rain cold drops on my already freezing cold skin I try to remember the happy times. The times in which I would scrub every inch of my skin and feel
Un-Used.
I stand. Widowing the breeze as it lightly hits my fragile face.
Tilting my head to one side how do I forget I wonder. Puzzled by life itself where do I turn when everyone I know has abandoned my hopes and dreams to live like a normal person.

Forget me not.



I stand up from sitting down. That is my first step to death. I stare at this man his large figure shadowing mine.

How do I win?

Slap Slap Slap.

A million thoughts rush through my head. I try hard to hold back my lonely tears.

“Why?” I scream. But instead of a scream it comes out as a murmur. I realise I have been screaming so much that it is now impossible to even make out one word.

So I put myself on elective mute.

Forever, I decide.

Nobody cares, nobody wants to know me because I am too much to handle. People just don’t want to get involved.

“Why don’t you understand? “ I cry.
Down on my hands and knees

Cry. Die.

I close my eyes ready for a long blink it feels like it lasts forever.

“WE AREN’T FAMILY” I mime at my, so called mother.
“WE ARENT’ NORMAL!” I murmur.

She walks away.

Don’t forget. I am on elective mute.

I wake up.

Father is yelling. Father is beating up mother.

“You stupid woman!” he speaks.

She runs of crying.

I just sit there. On the stairs. Tortured by the screams and the innocent cries of my mother.

I have had enough.
I run up the stairs thoughtless. Like a zombie.

I just do it.

Staring at the mirror I see nobody. All I see is a tired young girl black bags under her eyes from no sleep because of the hell I endured my whole life. Already turning into wrinkled skin. Lines on my forehead from stress. Stringy hair. No love. No life.

Angry I hit the mirror. It smashes cutting my hand.

I love it!

Blood gushes everywhere it drips on the stone cold white marble floor. It feels so good. It releases all my pain. The best thing I have ever felt since I was about 6.
I don’t want it to end so I grab some of the broken mirror and slice across my wrist.

Ohhhhh My God.

It drips pain.

I lie back down on the needles I have been living on my whole life. It pokes through my back.

A thought rushes into the centre of my brain.
I fill the bath up with freezing water. Once it is filled up I get undressed and dip my foot in it. I lie down in it. My head just under the water. Only my nose poking out. The bath water goes red. It looks so cool. The way it all spreads out like a slow sad song ringing in my ear. I am losing a lot of blood but then again I have nothing to lose. So I get into it. I slide my hands over every inch of my body trying to feel myself where I have cut.

I get faint. My eyes open and then close.

Open.

Close.

Open.

Close.



I sway side to side. Making sure it all sinks in. I faint

My eyes are closed and I see one person.

Him.

“I see you” he says

“I reach my hand out to touch him but he disappears.”

“I can’t see you anymore” I whisper.



I wake up.
Unfortunately.

I am still in the bath. I can’t believe nobody came to rescue me.
Screw them!
What the fricken hell. I get up out of the bath and stand up to look at the smashed mirror. I can slightly see my faint reflection it is all contort. I lean in closer for a better look.

I squish my cheeks together with my hands trying to make myself look pretty.

Am I not pretty enough?

Am I not pretty enough?

Am I not pretty enough?

I run out of the bathroom down the stairs and out the door. It is cold. I like it that way. I slap myself while I run. Trying to feel alive. It is almost impossible.

I cry. I cry in the blistering cold weather. It is 11 pm. I look up at the sky.

A shooting star.

Wishing so hard. But what did I wish for? What did I really wish for? To forget my father or to get him back to the way he was?



I know it won’t work so I do the only thing that was left to do. Pray.
I get down on my hands and knees and pray to the god who in my mind no longer exists but I have to believe. He is all I have got.


I want a big daffodil field, to scream my lungs out to realise my anger towards my father and everyone around me. To let it blow away so I am able to leave it behind.

I walk home. When I get home I see my father standing at the door. He starts.

I don’t speak. I think.

YOU. I miss YOU. When will YOU be YOU again. I hate who YOU are. I miss who YOU were. Where the fuck were YOU my whole bloody life? You asshole.

And after I finish putting all that in my own order of the words I think about saying it but think better of myself. I am already finished with him. He will die.


He grabs me. Drags me inside and punches me. I am numb. The last thing I see is him. Bye Bye.

I wake up tied to a wall. I am left there for a very long time. Almost forever but I escape. But before I do he walks in

Cry.

Die.

I wake up again my jaw hurts. It feels like it is shrinking. Its tight. Like a cap you wear when you are going swimming. I look around. I feel like I am in a seen from Saw. I am in a car. Guess where the car is.


Park over a railway road.

I REFUSE TO DIE.

I use what I already know. I Smash the object confronting my rudely.

HA HA HA. Screw him. I feel twisted and evil. But what I am going to soon will be worse than anything he has ever done to me.



I sit in the park. That's when I see a figure. They come closer and I try not to imagine the worst but unfortunately its true.

It’s Him.

He strolls over and sits down.

He touches me.

Quickly I flash forward to the start of my story.



A mother.

A son.

A daughter.

A man.

All Living.

All Dead.

I look up. One man stands covering my shadow with his lies.
He looks at me slowly. I feel like I am soaking it all in. Its filling me up like a balloon.
“I see you,” he starts.
“I see you,” I mock.
Hurt me. Hurt you



No longer wish to meet eye to eye with you.


It’s Over.


To be alive.
You must die.
To save yourself.
You must die.
To Live….
To Die.




I’M NOT HERE.
I’M NOT THERE.

Die.

PLEASE.


To win this battle me and my father have been fighting our whole lives. One of us has to die

I grab my knife and hold it up to his throat. He doesn't notice because he is to smashed to realise.

Slice.

“Arrrr”, He shrieks.

Ha ha. Now you can experience the pain I have experienced my whole bloody life.

The blood pours down dripping.
Drip
Drip

I can hear it. It sounds so good. I feel like I am in heaven. To finally know that the man I hate so much is finally out of my life. But do I still want to be alive?


I walk away. Leaving him soaking in his own blood. Left to drown his life away. But he flushed his life down the toilet a long time ago. I was just helping him let go.

Wasn’t I?

I break my somewhat elective mute

“WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?”

I reach the Tasman Bridge I get up on the railings. I look down. I close my eyes. I see a man but its not my dad that I have known since I was 6 it's the man that used to be spontaneous and take me to the beach. The man that watched me take my first steps. The man who used to bathe me in my bubble bath. The man that used to call me nicknames. The man that loved me. I cry. I just have to let it go. That's what I do. I put my arms out vertical.

Lean forward.

Cry.
Die.

and as I fall through the air my hair catches wind. I finally feel alive.

“I’ll see you in hell, Dad”.

My chest rips open all of my insides fall out. My heart beats to my dying breath. I can feel nothing but joy for every person in the world. My emotion stops. My brain stops. My movement stops.

My heart will go on forever.





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