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The Autobiography of Evan J Sterling

I am Evan. Simple name to remember. I try to keep things somewhat simple but things do at times get out of hand which included many of the ideas that come to me within an hour’s time. There is no way I could write every single last thought down. If I did, this page would be nothing but pure madness. I was born in the year of forever in a town called somewhere in the lavish county of nowhere. We get lots of visitors there but just recently due to technologies most favorite companion GPS we haven’t seen too many come. Kind of upsetting. I really hoped to meet some new people this summer. I have a collective hobby of taking pictures with a Polaroid. I would go to the beach, park, mall, and even the bathroom with this marvelous device. One time I went to the neighboring city of everywhere and took pictures of all that passed by me. Each one of those pictures came out with a slight blur. I glue each one to the walls of my living room. I enjoy seeing the faces of the living in my living room but I rather not think that anything bad has happened to them like that woman next to the door knob. She was rather old when I took the picture, almost ready to die there on spot but she gave me a toothless grin. I hope she’s still alive. She reminds me of my grandmother who is also on my wall next to the window. She smiles with bleach white dentures and curly snow-white hair. I called her Maggie sue, never grandma or another name like that. To me she was a little girl that could drive to the playground. I am a little old for playgrounds now but I do go to add to my collection of photos. Children are nice to look at don’t you agree? I must tell you what I look like before you think that I look my pa. I am tall, not very tall but I can see clear over the heads of chairs and can sit at a restaurant without a booster to see, there for I am tall. I don’t have graying hair like him, but neat, clean strands of brown mass on top of my head. I have two eyes, a straight nose, which many young women say they would love to put on their faces. I don’t know why, I think their noses are rather exquisite and I can’t possibly think why they would want mine. I have two arms, legs, and one belly button that cant decided whether to stick out or in. I am a male. Enough said. I find that if I tell people what I look like in full they get disgusted or really odd sounding. I don’t want you to not like me because already because I don’t know you I am obliged to like you until further getting to know you. My favorite color is the color of relish, that pickle green almost color. I have a shirt of that color and to me it brings out my eyes, which I should mention is a relish color of green but lighter. My pet frog’s name is Scott Joplin. He is my best animal companion in this world and knows all my deepest secrets including the meaning of life. He has a most beautiful voice; a concert baritone and occasionally he can be considered a frog of all ranges. Scott lives in a house just like mine except there is no paint, four walls, no doors and a very leaky roof when it rains but seldom does that ever happen. He like to bathe in his pond and sometime I treat him to the best food in town; spaghetti from Emilo’s. It is a favorite in my house. I never told you about my house? Well, I am very sorry to say that I haven’t been so nice to it but after this I will work on it. A bath is well needed. I live on left lane on the right side of the street. It’s the White House with the tin roof. I realized that the rain makes a very soothing sound against it unless trying to sleep. Scott has stated his complaints that he couldn’t sleep. The Polaroid sits on back of the toilet while the unopened packs of new photos are under the sink. I am saving up so I can brush my teeth in sprite. I would have it be peach soda but I don’t like the dyes they put in. Plus I would have to clean more often with bleach if I did that. Back on to the outside of my house I have a lovely garden of giant tree tomatoes the TV told me to buy along with a book that came along with it. The book hasn’t done anything yet since I planted it so I probably have to water it some more before the book dies. I paid $29.95 for it and plan to get my moneys worth. I like to attempt watercolor but every time I dunk the brush into the paints and in the water to draw Scott all the color meshes together in the cup. You can tell that painting is not my forte in life. At least I know it unlike Scott who thinks he’s the best belly flopper in the pond. He wished he were as good as I. My pa taught me how to belly flop like a pro. You have to have a lovely woman in front of you or across the pool, run to her like she was the most delicious can of sprite and jump in the pool on your belly. Scott is an amateur when it comes to belly flops. I would like to find a lady frog for Scott along with maybe a new top hat and suit. He is so picky. I have a lady friend, but you just can’t see her. Many people don’t believe I have a lady friend but you have to believe and then you can see her. She is shorter than me but doesn’t need the booster seat and reeks of feminine beauty. Two eyes, ears and feet. If I was to tell you what she looks like in full I would be lying because I have never seen her like that and you would probably give me a odd look. I don’t know her name but I will be sure to ask her. I have a picture of her in my living room but many folk say it’s just a picture of all the pictures in my living room. I tell them that are blind and should see a doctor before they continue driving. By the way if you haven’t noticed I am a very distant relative of rod sterling. I don’t know who he is exactly but my pa told me that he is on the television. I just bought one and I couldn’t see him on it. I am working as expert chef in gourmet pudding. Its been seven years since I began working at Sandra’s bakery called "Sweetest place on earth". So far everyone but me has cavities but none of them know my secret to excellent dental health other than Scott. I specialize in custom puddings, you think it I make it. Once I made a pudding out of chocolate and peanut butter. Who in the world would eat that? It just sounds disgusting. I never eat the pudding I make; I fear cavities with a passion. So I eat the sugar free watermelon pudding made by a woman in New York. I can enjoy pudding without fear of teeth falling out. My lady friend always orders the green tea pudding. She’s a slow eater, watching her weight is her excuse. I tell her that she is as skinny as a starved dog as just as beautiful. That makes her smile. In my free time away from work I write poetry. I especially enjoy this one.

If there is ever a moment
Passing through the day
Embrace the moment you are in
Never to embrace again

That was about how I trying to remove a pimple on my face. Poetry is such a wonderfully used literally device. It makes me proud to call myself Evan j. sterling. My middle name is jasmine. To make things simple like I always do, my mom wanted a little girl and was disappoint when she saw that part of me. I never blamed her for it. If it were up to me I would enjoy putting on a dress than ironing a shirt, tie and slacks every morning. It’s annoying to pick out a different color shirt and new slacks. I have every color in the world except for purple. I’ve found it to be rather repulsive and too bold. A subdue pink or orange brightens up the day when a dark blue or forest green keeps everything smooth. I only wear polos. T-shirts are confusing and wearing no shirt is repulsive. I can’t button more than four button so I rarely get dressed up for church. I do go to church every other Easter to hunt for eggs the children didn’t find. Once there was a dollar inside. I gave it to the bank and told them to give it to the child it belonged to. Hopefully it went to the right person. I have a date tonight so I shall leave you until tomorrow morning in hopes of a name. Oh no. I just hit print instead of save. Let me try again. Oh dear why is the printer button saving and the saving button printing?





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