Small town Crawford Ohio is just as small as small can be. On the outside it seemed to be this little town that couldn’t have been big enough to get on the map. But on the inside it was a completely different story it was just like the city it never seemed to rest. This made me feel a little better moving here. I used to live in Chicago with my mom, dad, and my older sister Jasmine. My parents have always talked about moving to get me and my sister out of the big city. But after my mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer in May they dropped everything to take care of her. Both my parents had good jobs, so my dad made sure my mom had the best doctors with the best treatment. The cancer cleared in June and she was doing okay. Or at least we thought.

August came faster than anybody had expected. Jasmine was attending Judson University and we decided to visit her before I started school. The campus just made me more excited to get out of high school and start college. I kept imagining in my head how different my life would be. After spending the day with her, me and my parents headed back home. That’s when my mom had trouble breathing. The doctors warned us that if this happened to rush her to the hospital. We turned off at the next exit and headed straight there . Once we got there the nurses took my mom onto a stretcher and she disappeared behind the silver doors. My dad  tried to follow her, but the nurses stopped him. I took a seat in the waiting room, but my dad couldn’t stay still; he paced the room back and forth. The doctor came through the doors that my mom went through earlier and gave us the news.

“How is she doing doc?” my dad questioned, anxious to know the answer.

“Is she going to be alright ?” I continued after him.

“I am very sorry to inform you but from looking at the scans we took. It seems the cancer has come back and spread to her brain. If you would like to see her follow me but I warn she doesn’t have much time.”  

My dad fought hard to control his tears, but when he stepped into my mom’s room he lost it. My sister had done the same. I walked right past my mother’s bed and went for the chair in the corner and put my head between my knees. The longer I sat there listening to everything, the more tears began to fall. I had no idea what to do my family was falling apart right in front of my eyes. It felt like the only thing I could do was cry. As much as I wanted to talk to my mom, I felt like I couldn’t. My mom was my best friend and it was hard seeing her like this. I didn’t want to say goodbye, not yet. I heard the door open and shut. I thought it was the nurses coming in to check on my mom. I looked up and it was just me and my mom in the room.

“Beth, come here”

I didn’t move.

“Beth, please, I need to tell you something”

I got up and slowly walked toward the bed. I kept my head down, I hated seeing her like this. When she got cleared last May I thought that was the last time. But I guess things can change.

“Beth please stay strong for me. I know it’s hard seeing your mom like this. But I need to let you know that I have known this was coming for a while. They told me last time I was in the hospital, that I would be hooked to a machine for the rest of my life. I wanted to take the chance. If it meant being free for a couple of months instead of being restricted for the rest of my life, I wanted to live free. I didn’t want anybody especially you worrying about me. I wanted to see you all happy for one last time. Trust me everything will be alright.”

My mom tried to hold back the tears but she couldn’t help it. I didn’t know what to say back. I didn’t want to have to say anything. Jasmine and dad kept saying their goodbyes to her but I didn’t want to do that. Not yet. My mom for once was looking up at me, trusting me that I would stay strong and take care of things. I was only 16 , yet she was depending on me to take care of everything.

“Please don’t go, I don’t want you to, I love you. I have so many more things I want to be able to do with you, to able to talk to you about. Please please don’t go.”

“I love you...with all my heart. Keep your chin up. Mom will always be with you remember that.”

Before I could say anything else, before my dad could come back into the room, before I could call the doctor back in. The machine went dead. I was alone in the room, the machine still going off, the sound imprinted to the back of my mind. I ran to the door and called for help. My dad was the first to appear around the corner, he ran straight past me and kneeled down at my mother’s side. A team of doctors and nurses weren’t too far behind. The nurses immediately grabbed my dad and pulled him from her side. The doctors tried everything they could to bring her back. But it was too late.

“Time of death 8:55 pm on August 24, 2014,” the doctor announced.

The room went silent for all of a second then. My dad screamed out like he was in pain. The nurses let go of his arms and he ran straight for the bed, grabbing my mother’s limp hand. My sister stopped herself in the doorway, the tears that came down from her face were like a waterfall. I found myself as far away from the bed as I could get. I was the last one to talk to my mom and I didn’t know how to feel. Her final words circled in my head over and over like I had hit a replay button.

When we finally made it back home, there were little to no words spoken and it seemed to stay that way for a couple of days. The only sound in the house seemed to be the crying of my dad late at night when he thought I was sleeping. I couldn’t sleep, every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my mother. When my dad stopped crying is when my head would fill the silence and the machine noises would come back. They seemed to haunt me in a way. I just couldn’t believe she was gone.

My sister eventually went back to Judison U and I had to start school. I didn’t want to but I didn’t have a choice. I had already missed the first week. The word started to spread about what happened to my mom. Instead of them happening me grieve for my loss, they thought I deserved it. They all said “it wasn’t that big of a deal”, “how I needed to learn to grow up”, “I deserved to see what it felt like”, and “how does it feel to not be the spoiled rich kid anymore”. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to hide from everybody, most days I wished I could become invisible. It’s not like I had just lost my mom but I had lost my best friend too.

I was used to having everything that I wanted and I regret it. Cause now when the only thing that I wanted was my mom back and I couldn’t have it. No matter how hard I wished. She was never going to come back. Everything in my life was changing. The kids at school had suddenly turned on me, the nice things that I used to have and took for granted have disappeared to pay the bills, and my dad became a different man. Since things at school got so bad, my dad finally decided it was time to move. To give me and him a fresh start. To try and leave everything bad behind.

Moving to a completely different town was very difficult. I didn’t know anybody and I was still grieving over my mom. I had so much trauma from the past month that I didn’t know how I was going to handle school. All the memories circled in my head. My mom’s words to me, the sound of the machine, the sound of my dad crying late at night, and the words of my former classmates. It all hit me at once as my dad pulled into the parking lot. My heart began to pound, my hands were shaking, my stomach formed knots, and my eyes darted in every direction possible. The car stopped, I went to reach for the handle but my dad locked it.

“Listen Beth, I know it’s been a hard month for you, for both of us. But if you’re not ready to go back to school yet…...you don’t have to” he said very slowly and calmly, he had tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

“Dad, it will be ok, I’m ready. I promise” I replied, trying to make it seem like I was telling the truth but it was a lie. Honestly I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day.

I got out of the car and shut the door before he could say anything else. I didn’t want him to say anything. I wanted to look strong for him. Just like mom wanted me to but it was so hard putting a fake smile on the outside when on the inside I was falling apart. Each step that I took closer to the school, it felt as if another weight was added to my shoulders, my feet kept getting heavier, my body seemed to turn to stone.

I eventually made it to the front doors, but as soon as I did I wished I didn’t. All eyes were on me all of the sudden and whispers were passed from person to person. I could feel my cheeks changing all shades of red the longer I stood there. When I saw the sign for the main office to my left I darted in before anybody could say anything to me. The school provided me with my schedule and a tour before the bell rang. But it was hard to focus on what she was saying when all I could think about was my mom. When we reached the end of the tour, I went up to my first class early. Throughout the whole day, people were so nice to me and offered to help if I needed anything. It surprised me on how welcoming the kids were. Maybe this time around I was going to like school instead of hating it.

Even though my school life was getting easier, home life was getting harder. Every time I got home at night, the more I wanted to go to school the next day. My dad made it seem like he couldn’t find himself. Ever since mom died he has been like this. He wasn’t the man that I knew and grew up with. He became depressed and he would spend countless nights crying either in his bedroom or on the couch. It was hard seeing my dad like this. But it was hard not to blame him. Yes, I had just lost my best friends, but he had just lost the love of his life. So in one way or another I had lost both of my parents.

It was mid November, I had only been going to school about a month and a half. I had made some friends and joined clubs. I actually began to like school. Things were looking up. Or at least I thought. When I walked into school today, everybody's eyes were on me again. It felt like my first day all over again. I knew what was going on though. Word had gotten out about my mom. Before anybody said anything to me, I ran to the locker room and locked the door behind me.  My back was against the door and the tears started to roll down my face. My back slid down the door until I was on the floor. I didn’t want to go to class, I wanted to hid in a shell for the rest of my life. The first bell went off, after awhile I decided the best thing was to go class and face my problems instead of hiding them. I peered outside the door and made sure nobody was in the hallway before I went to my first period.`

When I got there, I slowly opened the door and everybody’s eyes went from the board to me. Some started to laugh and some started to say the nasty things my former classmates used to say to me. It was all too much for me. My head started to spin and sweat started to form in beads on my forehead. “No no, not again” was the only thing I was able to say.

Then I blacked out, when I hit the ground I could still hear the voices of my classmates. But the longer I laid there their voices started to become faint and a new voice over powered them. I recognized this voice from somewhere, it kept getting louder and louder until I finally realized who it was. It was my mother. I opened my eyes again and I was in my bed room of my old house in Chicago. My mom was sitting on the side of the bed.

“Are you alright, you were screaming” my mom sounded worried in her voice

I didn’t say anything. I blinked multiple times to make sure it was true. That this wasn’t just a dream. That my mom was actually sitting on my bed, and she was alive. Alive. I looked around the room and it looked the same from what I could remember.

“Its okay Beth, it was all a bad dream. Mom is right here.”