I look at my mother, her tears begin to fall. As each one hits the floor, I feel my world shaking. I cannot believe I have done this to her. The one who kept me in as my father walked away. I look into her eyes, I want to cry, tell my mother I'm sorry. But I can't. I won't. I have done to her what she has done to me. But I can't help but feel sad. She has bought me everything I wanted, let me do almost anything & she cares about me. She loves me, but why isn't that enough for me? I can't let go of the past. Everything flashes back. Yelling, screaming, cursing threats. It takes me back to a time no one wants to go. A time where my misery was hidden by a fake smile, trying to hide the pain. Trying to pretend everything was okay, knowing deep down the emotional pain I felt was unbearable. I flash back to the present, in the presence of my mother. I feel angry but looking at her that anger vanishes, turns into sadness & depression. I've always wondered but never asked, If I weren't alive would mami be happy? Would she have been better off fulfilling father's wish? I want the answers. I need them, but scared for the truth. Will knowing bring happiness or push me over the edge? I couldn't ask my mother, I wouldn't want her to keep crying. I have caused her enough pain. I want to heal her. Make her happy, see her beautiful smile but all I see is her fading away slowly. Our world is breaking & I can stop it. Fix it. I know I can but I won't. Why? Why can't I try? Why can't I give her happiness? Why can't I just let go & forget? Why? Why? Why? I can't do it. I'm sorry mami, but I can't save someone when I need saving myself.
April 16, 2009