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A Questionnaire for an Old Friend
1.) Why were you there?
2.) Why was I left holding the bag?
3.) Where did you go after that?
4.) Were you able to find any peace?
5.) Do you still see her?
6.) Do you feel the pain and anger I feel whenever I think of her?
7.) Or is it regret you feel?
8.) Or maybe longing?
9.) Have you ever told anyone else what happened that day?
10.) Are your dreams filled with images of that event running around and around until you feel that you’re dizzy?
11.) Do you wonder what could have been, every day, every hour, every minute, as your life slowly passes all around you?
12.) Do you ever think of me, or maybe what you did to me?
13.) Does that make you guilty?
14.) Do you remember what was in that bag?
15.) Do you remember the crisp rustling of the unused money?
16.) Do you know that I hated the money?
17.) How did you feel about all those unmarked bills?
18.) Did they make your fingers curl with longing as you reach for it and pull back in fear as if it had transformed in front of you into some sinister writhing monster, like her?
19.) Or did you hate it and everything it meant and hold it as if it were rotten, like old meat or a corpse, like me?
20.)Or did you hold it close as if a child, not caring who it had hurt, or what became of you?
21.) Is that why you pulled out the gun?
22.) How did it feel in your hand?
23.) Was it cool and soothing, or cold and hard, and unforgiving?
24.) Did you hear as she screamed loud and shill, see as her blood spilled out of her, and soaked into the old brown carpet?
25.) What did you think of the money then?
26.) Did it make you sick, or did you still long for it?
27.) What did you think of her as she died?
28.) Did you love her like you did in the beginning?
29.) Did you love her like I loved her, wanting to protect her from the world?
30.) Is that why you tell yourself you did it, to protect her, to save her from herself?
31.) Do the lies that you tell yourself make you sick, like they make me sick?
32.) How can you even live with yourself?
33.) Have you ever considered ending it all, perhaps with the same gun that ended her life, a little semblance of justice and togetherness at the end?
34.) Do you actually believe that would make anything better, and that it would help her, or is that just more of the self denial that you force feed yourself?
35.) What did you do with her body when you had finished crying, and stroking her hair?
36.) Do you visit the place where you dumped her, hoping to reconcile with your past?
37.) Do you think you’ll ever forget that day, even when your mind grows weak, and your back is bent over, and you barely remember who you are?
38.) You’ve agonized over her, and over yourself. Have you every considered how I felt?
39.) Have you ever looked at her broken dying body through my eyes?
40.) Have you ever felt the culmination of all my love, and my longing, turned inward as a knife, or turned even more sharply outward as hatred for you?
41.) Do you remember me standing there as you carried her off?
42.) Why did you even bother coming back?
43.) Did you see my icy glare as you walked back in?
44.) Did I break your jaw bone as I threw that punch?
45.) What did you see as you looked back at my face with little recognition?
46.) Why did you run after that?
47.) Where could you have run to?
48.) Did you recognize me as you squinted at me through the glass, the one and only day I came to visit you?
49.) Did you find it ironic, like I did, that you were put away for petty crimes?
50.) Do you even know the difference any more?
51.) Did you back then?
52.) Is that why you left me with the bag?