As I lay here in bed on a chilly September night at the crack of dawn staring at the screen light in front of my eyes I begin to reminisce about those times, those distant memories that don’t seem so far away. Where  I can feel the temperature as if it where then, I can feel those unspoken words that were left unsaid, I can feel the the pain in your eyes as you watched me walk out that door. It haunts me to this day that I didn’t turn back, you had asked me once before to stay, but I denied your request; I felt as if that was for the best. We both knew it was over that would be the last time you would hold me in your arms. That would be the last time you would kiss my lips, that would be the last time I would see the blood flow to your cheeks after allowing me to come in, the shyness yet homely feeling around you was yet too disappear within the following months. It was so unexpected, so unreal. To this day it still brings shock to my expression when I hear your name, you were once mine my one and only through the good and bad I always thought about you, never second guessed myself when putting you first. Risking it all just to see you, “a beautiful yet tragic love story.” “Another one for the books.” They might say if they only knew. If I had known at that very moment that that would have been the last time I would feel the warmth of your hands, and heart beating of your chest I would have given it all up, and stayed. Stayed there forever and never left your side. I would have never walked out with tears in my eyes thinking maybe one day things could be different.That I would find you again and it would be right. I dwell on this every single day since I got the call. The call that changed my way of thinking, it made me realize nothing lasts forever, you were ripped right from under me even if you weren’t physically with me, I am torn to pieces since I got that call. Where the one on the other end didn’t have the words to even tell me. So many stutters so many tears. Yet I was still bewildered, asking myself what was going on questioning every word that came from the other end of the receiver. Asking over and over if what I had just heard was correct I was in a state of shock, I didn’t cry, or show a single drop of emotion. I hung up the phone and just sat there. Blank as a piece of white paper. I was uneasy. I felt crazy. Yet I had no response. Blank. That’s it that’s all that went through my mind. Nothing. I felt empty. Numb. Yet still no response. I sat there in that corner for hours. No movement. Just like that I spent the next few weeks. I walked over to your place the next day after the call, your family was there.. I walked in and just stayed silent. I walked into your room and then like a truck moving at the speed of like it hit me. I fell on my knees and sobbed so quietly no one heard my pain or so I thought. I touched every pice of you that was left in that room. It wasn’t enough because it wasn’t you. I needed you. When I needed you, you left me and once again you left me but this time it was in fact forever without a goodbye. I walked around your room and looked at every centimeters that made up the floor to the ceiling. It was the same all of it but it felt odd, strange even because it was missing your life. Your crooked smile, big brown eyes, and creative mind, it was all gone it left with you. As soon as I walked out and shut the door, I exhaled, inhaled, and once again exhaled. With puffy eyes I looked down, I felt every pair of eyes look my way. They heard it all, I may not have been as quiet as I thought. But not once did they speak about it. And I needed that. I needed to feel my pain on my own. I hugged your mother goodbye, and with that I left. A few weeks passed, I hadn’t worked up the courage to go visit you yet. It was still unreal. At  some points within the passing days I awaited a message from you telling me that everything was untrue, or even waking up some nights hoping it was all just a dream. It wasn’t. On my birthday I decided that I’d finally go see you. My birthday seemed just like any other ordinary day, I woke up got dressed and hitched a ride with my mom, as I stepped off the car tears rolled down my eyes, I set flowers on the vase and began talking to you, I said I couple of things out of sadness but without response I just sat there and talked to you for what seemed hours. I poured one in your name before I left and wished you happiness. Even if it was up there without me. I stepped back into the car with dirt smeared tears in my face and a welcoming warm feeling. I would like to think I felt you there once more with me. It’s 2a.m. And to this day I still think of you every second of my passing hours, you were once mine physically. Now you are mine in a safe place stored away deep in my heart with out an escape, you we’re my love, my first love, you we’re the type of loved that I learned from, and the truest love I’ll ever feel. To this day I still love you unconditionally no matter what. Rest in paradise my love..