Bartholomew the Caveman

December 17, 2017
Custom User Avatar
More by this author

North America, the Ice Age:
The world had not been kind to Bartholomew ever since he left his tribe. He was banished because he had used the elenchus methods of socratic debate to make the Shaman look dumb and thus undermine his political authority and establish a secular democratic republic. However the Shaman overheard his preaching and kicked him out of the tribe.
For the next week and a half, Bartholomew hobbled his way across the wilderness, going from desolate cave to desolate cave in a desperate attempt to eke out an existence. However there was a problem, Bartholomew had no idea how to hunt. He had never hunted in his entire life, he always gathered berries and stuff with the women. When asked why he would say “You know, in a few thousand years hunting will not be needed, agriculture will be the main means to get food, I am getting a head start.” Of course he would get laughed at, but that didn’t really matter, until now. For right now he was hungry, and he couldn’t find any berries to eat, any edible berries that is.
“Oh no” gasped Bartholomew as wave of nausea and pain hit him, “I shouldn’t have eaten those gympie-gympies” and then promptly threw up. Ten minutes later, lying on the ground and groaning in agony, Bartholomew wondered which God he had angered to deserve this. Probably the squirrel-God. After all, he did throw rocks and cursed at the sabertooth squirrel who ran of with his nuts this morning. That squirrel was kind of fat, it probably would’ve tasted pretty good roasted, with all its juicy tender meat.
Meat
God what I would do for meat right now. At that precise moment Bartholomew heard a resounding trumpet. Rising he turned and was greeted by a grand sight. A woolly mammoth, making its way up the hill. A fat, meaty wooly mammoth. Drool dripped down his chin, mixed with vomit, which was disgusting...but still. Grabbing his spear he ran towards the beast shouting,
“Hey You! Turn around! I wanna eat you!”. However the mammoth paid him no heed.
“Hey I told you to turn around, I need to eat you. I mean your going to die anyway, the climate is getting warmer, I can feel it, in fact I have calculated it. Your species will not survive, so you might as well make yourself useful to the homo sapiens.” The mammoth made a snorting sound and just walked along. Frustrated the caveman threw his spear at it. It plunged into its hind leg and the beast bellowed in pain. Then it turned towards him, anger and pain in its eyes.
“You know what I don’t wanna eat you anymore, I’ll find a rat or something. You are free, now go along and have a nice day” said Bartholomew before bolting off in the other direction. Unfortunately for Bartholomew the mammoth didn’t understand english and was faster than him, so then he died.

                                         THE END






Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback