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Everything Has Changed
It's kind of weird... How fast we grow up. One day, we're playing in a sandbox and drinking out of sippy cups then the next thing we know we are getting ready to take our driving test. One minute, we're hugging our parents and admiring them and then we are fighting with them over stupid stuff. One second, we are crying over a scrapped knee then out of nowhere, we are crying over boys who don't even know our names. It's just crazy to me how all of a sudden, we forget. We forget the little things in life and then we grow up. We grow up and it sucks. High school doesn't really help at all but I guess when it comes down to it... That summer before you leave for college... That's the summer that everything gets brought to the table and everyone tells everyone how they really feel.
At least that is how it was between me and Matt. Matt is someone I grew up with. He was my left hand man or in other words, my best friend. I know. Weird, right? A boy and girl who are actually best friends? Or were... All my graduation pictures are with him. All my birthday pictures are with him. All my pictures are with him. We were always together and we thought we'd always be together.
I got accepted to San Diego California University and Matt... Well, he didn't get into any universities and got stuck with settling with the community college in town. Which means, I'm going to start my new life on the other side of the country while he is stuck in Boston. He was not happy at all about this. "How could you just leave? You really want to leave? " He asked me with narrow eyes.
I looked at him as I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I do." I got up and grabbed my acceptance letter. "I got early admission so I'm leaving in a few weeks." I watched him as he read the letter over and over again. I wasn't sure if he was more hurt over the fact that I actually got in or that I was choosing that over him.
"I can't believe you would do that to me." He said as he put his head down in his plams. "This is what I was scared of. I'm losing my best friend." He brought his head up and looked at me straight in the eyes. "How could you just leave and not even care about the people who care about you?"
I felt my blood start to boil as I tried to find the words to answer. "How could I? How dare you?" I couldn't believe he said that to me. "I have all these plans for the future and that’s what scares me. You're not the only one who is scared. For a minute, I could possibly be happy. For a second, I could be content with my life. For even a whole day I could actually look forward to crawling out of bed the next morning. It scares me to death because my life is going to change. My friends are going to change and my style is going to change. Everything’s going to change and I’m going to be so happy. For once, I’m going to want to get out of bed in the morning and go on a amazing adventure with new friends in a new town in a new state in a new part of the country. You cannot blame me for being so happy about this but also being so damn terrified because honestly at the end of the day, you’re scared too. The only difference is you know you’re not going to get out of this town… you’re freaking stuck and I feel bad for you but I don’t feel bad enough to throw away what I’ve been working for, for the last 3 years. I’m sorry but my life is not going to stop for you. I’m leaving and I refuse to look back." I caught my breath. "I worked so hard for this, Matt. I'm not going to let anyone make me feel like crap about it and I'm sure as hell not going to let you ruin this for me."
He started to cry as we starred at each other in complete silence. Seeing him cry made me cry... But I was crying a lot harder than him. I knew he wasn't sorry for what he said because it was the truth and I'm sure he knew I wasn't sorry for what I said for the same exact reason. I sat down next to him and put my arm around his shoulders. "I'm not sorry for this, Matt." I put my head on his shoulder. "I need to live beyond this place... You'll understand one day."
"It's just... It's just we were suppose to be always be together. What am I going to do without you?" He held his breath for a minute. "You're not suppose to leave me here... "
I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked at his face as I said, "I know, I'm not suppose to turn my back on you but you need to understand, I am leaving and I am going to be gone. I'll be back for vacations and I'll miss you so much but I am leaving. There is a whole world out there that I have yet to discover and I need too. I need to get out while I can, Matt. One day, when you work so hard for something... You'll understand." He pressed his lips together as he bit the inside of his lip. "At least, I hope you do."
"Blair... Please, don't go." I cocked my head to the side as gave him a look of reassurance. "Don't go. I'll do anything." I put my head down as tears flooded to my eyes again.
My voice shaked as I said, "I've got to go." My lips trembled as I went on. "Please be okay with that. Please say you'll still be here for me and please say that you'll love me no matter what because I really need that. I really need you to be here for me and I really need you to support me with this decision cause no one does and you were the one I thought I could count on for that even if you don't agree with what I'm doing... I need you to be my best friend."
The look on his face said it all. He couldn't get passed the fact that I am actually the one who got out in the end. He couldn't look at me because he was so hurt... He got up and started towards the door. Without even looking at me, he said, "Good luck. Everything has really changed." He was about to close the door as I heard him say, " I love you." I sniffled as he continued to look forward and leave.
I let out a big breath of pain as I felt a my heart break. You know that cry where you can't breathe and you just scream while tears come out of your eyes? Well, that's what I did for a hour. I laid on the floor as I replayed my best friend of 17 years walk out on me. The worst part was he couldn't even look at me. My best friend didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore...
I honestly wish I could say he came back that night and we made up but he didn't. I call him all the time. I text him all the time. I even email him but I never get a answer. My parents say they see him around town and he asks how I'm doing. I know he still cares and I know it's going to take some time but it'll be worth it to have my best friend back because I need my best friend back. I miss him.
It's kind of weird how fast we grow up and everything changes but it's for the best. Right?