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Destroying the Parthenon
Everybody seems to think that the Parthenon was destroyed by time. Idiots. As if my sister would allow her precious temple be destroyed by something like time. No, what destroyed the Parthenon was much worse. It was destroyed by gods. In other words, my idiotic family members: Hades, Poseidon, and Zeus. And Dad totally deserved what sis dished out. I’m sure being brutally castrated is painful, but hey, it’ll grow back eventually. He’s like an iguana that way. Of course, as always, it all started with Poseidon…
“Hey Hades!” Poseidon called, scampering up to catch up to his older brother. Hades smiled.
“Hey there little brother,” Hades greeted, ruffling Poseidon’s hair good-naturedly.
“Hades,” Poseidon whined, trying to smooth his hair back down. “Stop that. I’m not a kid anymore.”
“Really?” Hades drawled out teasingly, as they arrived in the throne room.
“Yes. Really, Hades, You shouldn’t treat your brother like that,” Zeus said frowning, stepping out of the shadows. Poseidon squeaked, and jumped behind Hades.
“And you really shouldn’t scare your brother like that,” Hades countered. “Lighten up.”
“Yeah! Lighten up!” Poseidon chirped, behind Hades. Zeus glared.
“It’s like you have power over the Underworld instead of Hades. Isn’t the sky supposed to happy most of the time?” Poseidon continued, blithely ignoring his little brother’s growing anger.
“Poseidon, shut your mouth before I do it for you,” Zeus threatened, as a dark shadow crossed his face. No one, NO one is allowed to make fun of the Lord of the Sky.
“Okay! Shutting up right now!” Poseidon said hurriedly. Zeus continued to glare at Poseidon anyway.
“Zeus,” Hades said warningly. Zeus ignored him. Hades sighed and resisted the urge to smack his head against something hard. After all, it wouldn’t be good for the Lord of the Underworld to be seen beating his head against the wall, now would it? “Let’s get to business, shall we?” Hades suggested, trying to get things done, sometime this millennium.
“So…” Poseidon said seating himself at the table. “What’s the issue this time?”
“We need to decide how to keep the human race from ending this time,” Hades said sighing. “The mortals are going to fight themselves into extinction at this rate. Again.”
Zeus flapped a hand. “Who cares?” he asked, disinterested in the topic entirely. He had better things to do with his life after all. Like chasing after wood nymphs. He’ll catch them eventually… “We’ll just recreate them somewhere along the line. I say we just let them drive themselves into ruin. It’s not like they think we control their lives anyway.”
“Zeus!” Hades scolded.
“I have an idea!” Poseidon said excited. “I think we should….wait. I forgot. Give me a minute….”
“You mean you just wasted my time for no reason at all?” Zeus demanded darkly. Poseidon whimpered and shrank back into a corner.
Hades spun around and glared at Zeus. “Brother! What do you think you’re doing scaring Poseidon like that? I’m disappointed in you!”
“Good Heavens man! Who do you think you are? My mother?” Zeus snipped back.
If that was supposed to make Hades calm down, it didn’t work. It only served to make him more incensed. “You know Rhea would be ashamed of you too Zeus! Some people don’t care about power. Most people value family more. You’d think that having so many children, you’ll learn that already. Also, you said you were taking anger management classes. They don’t seem to be working. Are you even going?” Hades fretted, calming down due to his worry over his baby brother’s mental state.
Poseidon piped up from his corner, “Yeah! What Hades said!” before quailing back at the force of Zeus’ glare. Hades glared back. Zeus intensified his glare. Hades raised an eyebrow. Zeus sighed and acknowledged Hades’ point.
Zeus grumbled, “The mortals don’t know what they’re talking about. What do they know anyway? And I still say we should let the stupid mortals run their own lives.”
“Don’t be an idiot, Zeus. Mortals can’t decide anything unless we do it for them,” Hades said. “And don’t be so spoiled. Just because you’re the youngest doesn’t mean you can always be so moody. Lighten up. Smile for once in your life.”
“I should be the one who should be deciding the fate of humanity. You forget, dear brother,” Zeus said icily, “That I rescued you and our siblings from Kronus’ stomach. You should be grateful, and let me run the world the way I want too.”
“I liked it in Daddy’s stomach,” Poseidon piped up unexpectedly. Zeus and Hades stared at him wide-eyed. “It was fun in there!” Poseidon insisted cheerfully, getting out of his corner. “There were lots of things to do. We went swimming lots! Too bad you didn’t come with us. We could’ve used your awesome lightning bolt powers to fry Cronus from the inside!” Zeus’ left eye throbbed. Oblivious, Poseidon continued on. “Or hit the piñata at my birthday party. It would’ve been so much fun! Pin the Tail on the Donkey was always fun ‘cause Daddy would go “oof” whenever we tried to pin the tail,” Poseidon giggled with a slightly sadistic gleam in his eyes.
The other two brothers gaped at Poseidon. Recovering his dignity, Zeus sniffed haughtily, “Nevertheless, I saved you. You never would’ve gotten out if it hadn’t been for me.”
Unfazed, Hades flapped a hand at Zeus. “I wouldn’t say that. We would’ve gotten out eventually. There were six of us in there after all,” he replied sweetly, subtly pointing out that Zeus wasn’t as powerful as he wanted to be seen.
“Yeah! What Hades said!” Poseidon chimed in.
“Thank you Poseidon!”
“Hey! I remember now!” Poseidon said jumping excitedly.
“What?” Zeus asked shortly.
“I think that we should….” Poseidon paused dramatically. “Change the humans into dolphins, and make them live in the ocean!” he finished up, looking gleeful. Hades and Zeus just stared at him.
“Brother, I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Hades said, trying to break it to Poseidon gently.
“OF COURSE IT’S NOT A GOOD IDEA! THAT IS THE STUPIDEST IDEA I HAVE EVER HEARD! WHAT IN THE HEAVENS WERE YOU THINKING? OBVIOUSLY YOU WEREN’T THINKING! YOU JUST WANT MORE POWER DON’T YOU? BEING LORD OF THE SEAS ISN’T ENOUGH? WHAT’S NEXT? LORD OF THE ENTIRE WORLD?” Zeus screamed , absolutely pissed off (Whelp, there go those anger management classes…).
“Me?” Poseidon asked surprised. “No. You? Yes. I’m not the one who goes strutting around like a peacock all the time.” And with that, Poseidon began strutting around the throne room like a peacock with his nose in the air. Hades groaned inwardly. Now was not the time for Poseidon to let out his inner imp.
“Why you little—” Zeus growled out, reaching to strangle Poseidon. His hands closed on empty air.
Poseidon waved cheekily at him from ten feet away. “Nuh uh, baby brother. Naughty, naughty. Strangling is not allowed,” Poseidon tutted, waving a reproving finger at Zeus. Zeus’s left eye twitched. His face slowly began to turn red. After a few minutes, he finally exploded. Mostly from lack of air and the sign Poseidon wasn’t going to give in anytime soon.
“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!” Zeus screamed angrily. “YOU BLOODY BRAT! GET BACK HERE!”
Poseidon cackled as he ran around the room. Hades just sat there gaping at the two, shocked that his little baby brothers finally lost their sanity. Zeus took out his lightning bolts, and started throwing them at Poseidon.
“Wow, that was close,” Poseidon said laughing, “You almost killed me.”
“That was the point,” Zeus grounded out, reaching for his last lightning bolt. He aimed, and threw. Fortunately for Poseidon, it missed, and hit something else. Unfortunately for Zeus, his lightning bolt hit the Parthenon right when Athena walked in. Athena gaped at the destruction of her beloved temple, before turning and glaring at Zeus.
“Daddy…” she said sweetly.
“Er…yes dear?” Zeus asked meekly.
“WHAT DID YOU DESTROY MY TEMPLE FOR?!?” Athena exploded.
“Poseidon was being annoying?” Zeus offered. Athena looked at him.
“You expect me to believe that Uncle Poseidon provoked you?” Athena asked flatly, looking over to Poseidon, who was looking like a kicked puppy at Zeus’s answer.
Seeing her looking at him, he perked up and waved cheerfully, “HI ATHENA!”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Why not?” Zeus demanded.
“Look at him!” Athena gestured to Poseidon. Poseidon had his puppy dog face on and was currently begging Hades to use his ideas to continue the human race. They watched as Hades’ expression wavered, clearly close to giving in. Zeus turned away.
“He provoked me,” Zeus insisted stubbornly. He was not going to lose to his older brother. No matter how immature Poseidon could be. Athena considered him. He seemed truthful enough…Then she glanced back at Poseidon. He was groveling at Hades’ feet. ‘There is no way Uncle Poseidon provoked Dad. He’s too innocent and…cute,’ Athena thought. ‘Dad has to be lying. But just in case…’
“Poseidon! Did you provoke Dad into destroying my temple?” Athena asked impatiently, tapping her foot against the cold, smooth, white marble floor.
“My dear niece! How could you ever could you think that?” Wailed Poseidon dramatically, before dropping to his knees and giving her puppy dog eyes. “No one can get mad at this face!” Athena wavered. She wanted to believe her father, but nobody could resist Poseidon’s puppy dog eyes. And didn’t Aunt Hera want her to keep Zeus from womanizing…? Athena made her decision.
“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU DAD!” Athena shouted, and began chasing Zeus around with a giant carving knife she produced out of nowhere. She chased him around the throne room. Zeus ran as fast as he could, trying to make it to the closed double doors, before Athena tackled him. “Dad,” Athena drawled out dangerously, “You have one more chance to tell me the truth. Why did you destroy my temple?”
“I didn’t destroy it,” Zeus snarled, trying to break out of Athena’s hold. ‘Damn she’s strong,’ Zeus cursed mentally.
“Wrong answer,” Athena growled out, before whipping out a sharp butcher’s knife out of nowhere. Zeus paled drastically. She wasn’t going to cut him was she? He eyed the knife in terror. Athena saw the look, and smirked. Zeus gulped.
“See this knife, Daddy dearest?” Athena asked conversationally. Zeus nodded slowly, keeping an eye on the knife Athena was brandishing about. “Would you like to know what I’m going to use it for?” Zeus shook his head frantically. Athena shrugged. “Your loss,” and began to castrate him. Poseidon and Hades winced at what was happening to Zeus. Suddenly, Hera swept into the room.
“What’s going on?” she asked, noticing Hades and Poseidon’s frozen faces. Not receiving an answer, she looked around the room, and spotted Athena castrating Zeus. Hera smacked her hand against her forehead. “Athena!”
“Yes Aunt Hera?” Athena asked innocently.
Hera sighed. “When I asked you to find a way to keep Zeus from womanizing, I didn’t mean you should castrate him.” Hera paused, and then reconsidered. “On the other hand, it is fairly effective. Carry on then!” Hera left the room. Zeus stared after his wife in shock.
“She—she’s approving this?” he muttered darkly. “She’s approving—ACK!”
So that’s what happened. You know, to the Parthenon. And Dad. I’m not quite sure what happened to Hades and Poseidon, but, they’re still around somewhere. They try to avoid Mount Olympus whenever they can. They just don’t want to be confronted with an angry Athena again. Cowards. She’s not that scary. There are worse things. Like…babysitting a plant, watching a baby sleep, and…
“APOLLO! What are you doing?” Athena demanded behind Apollo. Apollo jumped and whirled away from the computer.
“Erm…Nothing?” Apollo asked meekly.
“Are you writing that story where Zeus destroyed my temple?” Athena asked dangerously, butcher knife already out and glinting in the sunlight.
“No…” Apollo said hesitantly before running as fast as he could away from his sister’s wrath.
“Get back here you good for nothing brat, and face me like a man!”