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How was the World Created?
We've all wondered why the world was created. But what we didn't know was that the leading religious figures have been trying to figure out that too.
The council sat divided. Charles Darwin, Buddha, and Brahma sat on one side of the room in front of a placard labeled “Evolution.” A Japanese man and woman rested, combing each other’s hair. The Greek gods sat in the middle of the room chattering. God and his son sat on the other side of the room. A Chinese man stood in a corner solemnly reading a book. And unnoticed a young girl sat under a table in the shadows.
Well, I think it’s time to begin, God thought with a yawn. Every year each of the religions main players held a congress to figure out how the world was created. Was it the “Big Bang?” Obviously not! God stepped up to the podium and banged the gavel against the wood surface. “Let us begin,” he announced as the figures stopped what they were doing and turned to him.
Immediately, Hera, Zeus’s wife stood up. “I’m sorry Zeus isn’t here right now. He couldn’t make it here so I’m speaking on his behalf,” she droned on. Hera wasn’t even sure why she was at the stupid meeting. Her husband was off sleeping with other woman while she spoke for him at an assembly where everyone hated her and the Greek gods. We just don’t get credit anymore, she thought, frowning.
The Chinese man looked up and slapped his book down. “This is an outrage! You have been ruled out already!” he complained, “Just go home to your husband. We don’t need you here.” He had had enough of these meetings. Confucianism was obviously the way to go… even if it didn’t have anything to do with creation. The world didn’t need a theory of evolution.
While he fumed, the Greeks got up and stiffly walked out of the room. These other religious figures would be hearing from Hades! Confucius sat back down and immersed himself in his book. If he believed the world had just happened, so should everyone else.
At this, Charles Darwin stood up. Was he the only one who actually made a valid argument? Confucius just sat in the corner twitching. He didn’t even notice he twitched, but it was getting annoying. Darwin hated it! And he had to get back to his grave, since he didn’t believe in heaven. “Alright, there is proof of the ‘Big Bang Theory’ and evolution! Look!” He held up a fossil. “Explain this!” He jumped up onto his chair. This wasn’t even real. “How do you blasted explain a rock that was over 150,000 years ago!? You are all NINNIES!” he said and ran out. Darwin figured that that would make the best impact. Before he had died, he had spent a lot of time studying that sort of stuff. How to make an impact. Who knew it would be useful? It didn’t actually come in handy, but he didn’t know that. He still did the same thing every year.
Buddha took this as his chance to speak. “I’m going to have to agree with him,” he said pushing his glasses up on his face. They were always sliding off. “It just makes a… well, sense. But you know, nirvana is where the afterlife is at. And eh-hem, I think we should have meetings about that too. And… I have to go and meditate! Peace out,” Buddha mused lifting up his chubby belly and heaving himself out of the room.
The only people left were Brahma, the Japanese couple, God, and Jesus. And the girl who nobody noticed. Brahma stood up. “You already know what I think of the world,” she said softly clasping her four hands together. She nodded and left the room. These things never accomplish anything! She was not coming to another meeting. She needed to focus on her people. As long as they believed she had created the world, she didn’t care what anyone else thought. She wasn’t even sure why she had gone this time.
The laughing couple came to a sudden realization that the meeting was practically over. “Well, we created Japan,” the Shintoists whispered to one another. Then they transported telepathically to each other the words, “I love you.” They didn’t care about what religious figure created the world as long as they created Japan. Japan was the only thing that mattered in the world after all. God shook his head wearily, but nodded. The couple left the room.
“Well, it’s just you and me,” God told Jesus, watching as Confucius left the room, nose lodged in his book.
“Yeah, Dad!” Jesus pumped his fist. God was awesome. Forgiveness was awesome. Jesus was awesome.
“Alright, you have to stop calling me, ‘Dad’. The DNA testing hasn’t even come out yet. We’re not sure if the Jews are right or the Christians. Settle down, Boy,” God commanded the anxious man with glowing locks. Nodding obediently, Jesus sat. Soon God would see that Jesus was his. And they could have fun ruling the world together… for eternity. Jesus’s face lit up.
Well, I guess that concludes this meeting. Muhammad must have decided not to come. He’s always busy, God thought, slightly disappointed, as he put away the gavel under the stand.
The little girl who was watching everything finally stood up. “TRINUVERSALISM!” she shouted. God’s mouth dropped open. “It’s the real creation theory. There are three universes and the string theory. I MADE IT UP!” she shouted quickly. Then she got up and ran out of the room cackling madly.
God rolled his eyes. Loonies like that girl always showed up and tried to claim that they had a religion, even though they had no followers.
“Come on boy,” God said. And taking Jesus under his arm, he walked off with Jesus into the sunset. The creation of the universe left unsolved.