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Suicide Entries

May 29, 1935
He banned me to my room again. The B******. Just because some cabinet ministers are here. I cleaned all morning and cooked all afternoon for him and his guests. Setting the table just how he liked. Wine glasses polished twice and placed three forks, one knife. Two forks for the main meal, one for meats and one for vegetable then the last fork for dessert. I do everything he wishes and he still keeps me secret and hidden from the world. I’ve been doing this for far too long. He leaves me often for business trips. Keeping me alone and a prisoner in this house. All I do when he’s gone is look out my room window. Imagining our lives if he weren’t such an important dignitary. His image forbids him of a romantic life. The public favors him as a bachelor than a happily married man. Well, if Adolf were to describe marriage he would describe it as being miserable. He explained once that he wouldn’t want a woman to interrupt his work. Oh Herr Wolf...why do you do this?
There are even rumors of him having affairs and that he’s more attracted to Blondi. Blondi is just a dog. A dog damn it. I’m a person. His lover, of three years. The importance of humans should surpass beasts. The importance of me, should surpass all beasts. I’ve made up my mind. Selfish as it may be I will try taking my life again. No gun, no. I’d probably miss like the first time last year. I made up my mind to take 20 pills. No! 35 pills. Yes, 35 and it will be dead certain that I will have passed.
Eva Anna
June 15, 1940
A few days ago I was staring out my window again, Adolf was gone on another business venture when I saw some children running up the road. They were laughing, which just made smile. I’ve been so sad being by myself and when I smiled because of the laughter of the children it sparked the interest of me having children with him. I tried discussing it with Adolf later when he came back but it turned disastrous. As far our conversation went it turns out he’ll never want children. I was so emotionally charge. I kept questioning him with questions like” Is there something wrong with me? Why don’t you want us to have a baby together? Why does it repulse you so much?” His reply was cold. He just explained how didn’t want anything to do with children. That they’re distractions. I went to bed crying so hard. I thought about how he didn’t want small chubby hands or big eyes adoring him. No little feet wobbling on our wooden floors. No cry of innocence when hungry. Not any of it. His strong refusal wasn’t what sent me over. When he said “ I especially don’t want them because they surely will bring disappointment to me because their intelligence won’t match mine.”
I ran right into my room after the fight. Adolf was following me so I tried ending my life quickly. He might as well yell the idea of me bearing his children repulsed him to no end. He didn’t understand the hurt that violated me when his face turned red when saying the intelligence line. I only had brought it up because I’ve been getting lonely since he is having more frequent trips. I spend most of my nights here alone. I’m tired of having no one to smile at when I need a smile myself. I want to have someone dependent and needy of me, and love me unconditionally as I love them.
I had a hand gun from my last attempt a few years back and I hastily pulled the trigger. I was still shaking from crying so hard that I grazed only my neck. I passed out from the amount of blood I lost. When I had awakened, gauze was thickly wrapped and tapped to my right side of my neck. Adolf was sitting on a short stool beside me when I had awoken. He was so sad when I looked up at him. He told me he patiently waited for 4 days for me to awaken. He felt so bad for how he reacted. We had a long discussion of children and he even said one day. He’s been better about leaving me alone now. And I think he’s trying. I love him so dearly. My smile is appearing more often. Maybe one day we’ll have a little boy running up our wooden floors laughing, and my smile can be permanent.
Eva Anna
April 29, 1945

This will be my last entry, dearest diary. If anyone would like to know the few chain of events that have happened before my suicide. Here they are.

This morning me and Alfy had a beautiful breakfast. Talking about how last night was just perfect over some bread and fruit. Our marriage ceremony was what I have been waiting for for the past sixteen years. He wanted to make me happy before we would die, and he did just that. During breakfast we also discussed how we would take our lives, he is choosing to use a handgun and I chose cyanide. My experiences with hand guns don’t hold much success in my suicidal attempts, so we both agreed cyanide would be best.
A few short hours before my eternal sleep with Herr Wolf. I’m scared and nervous. He only wants to end his life now because he knows the war is ending soon and he does not have much time before someone tries to give him an unmerciful death. Similar to his good friend Mussolini. Why did I swear to him I’d follow him anywhere- even onto death? My life has always circled around Adolf. Loving him, staying true to him, pleasing him alone. This man has dictated my life with the rest of Germany. He’s all I know about love. I love Adolf. I love my Herr Wolf. He had given me what I wanted for so long, the title of Mrs. Adolf Hitler. I wonder secretly that he resented marriage so much that he’s trying to escape it with death. I shouldn’t let petty thoughts get to me now. I made my commitment with him, and I will obi by it.
All my life I envisioned after my wedding I’d live a happily ever after. But instead of living a happily ever after, I’m going to be at eternal peace with Herr Wolf. After countless mornings and evenings of begging him with marriage and children he finally agreed. Well Adolf is calling me, we’re going to have some alone time before ... yes.
“’till death do us part”
Eva Anna Paula Hitler



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This article has 7 comments. Post your own!

blbbraun said...
Oct. 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm:
that somone could actually love someone so hateful is beyond crazy. my last name is braun which makes me feel a little weird...
 
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blbbraun said...
Oct. 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm:
that somone could actually love someone so hateful is beyond crazy. my last name is braun which makes me feel a little weird...
 
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PJD17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 5:29 pm:
Very interesting, unique, bold story  keep writing  i would really appreciate it if you could please check outa nd comment on my story Manso's Shame
 
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LastChapter said...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 4:03 pm:
its hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that someone as...well, there's really no adjective to describe Hitler properly, but anyway, the thought that Hitler was actually loved by someone still shocks me. i love how unafraid you were to dive into this risky story. a lot of people wouldn't be able to handle it, but you forced me to look past the monster and see the story. great job.
 
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leafy said...
Jan. 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm:
wow i love this story, not many people know about eva. a nice, fresh perspective too. its weird to think that someone could've love such a monster.
 
NatashaSujin replied...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 5:02 pm :
Thank you. (: Historical fiction was a genre I never played around with before and this was my first attempt. Thank you for liking it.
 
leafy replied...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 5:39 pm :
oh your welcome! i've only written in historical fiction a couple times and even though it can be hard to get all the facts right, i think its fun. :)
 
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