Chimney Sweep Day

December 19, 2010
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Now, I know everyone here is so excited, they can hardly contain the enthusiasm in their pants. But before everyone starts losing themselves in the insanity, I must lay down a few rules. Don't give me that look. I understand that you've heard these rules repeated a million times before, but the board rules states that I must, with no exceptions, tell all the rules before letting anyone participate. Consider yourselves lucky, as very few other places will post the rules as early as I have decided. So read them, study them, ponder them, and keep them in mind when the day finally comes. With that said, I shall begin.

Rule number one: Chimney Sweep Day is to take place on March 24th, and March 24th ONLY. No exceptions. I can't believe I have to repeat this every year, but nothing sickens me more than seeing people celebrate Chimney Sweep Day on the humbugging twelfth.

Rule number two, part one: You must be in proper attire. No exceptions. This includes no flip-flops, no popped collars, and absolutely no shirts ranging between 059831-059817 on the hex-color scale. If any person, male or female, is spotted breaking this rule, they will be immediately removed and will be asked not to return for a year. Part two of this rule, which was amended after the 1947 Chimney Sweep Day Massacre after which one attendant came with a cheap hat from Hollister: It was then decided that, if you are to wear any head-attire, it must be fancy. That's with a capital F. No exceptions.

Rule number three: No horseplay. This is serious work we do, and it hurts me a little inside knowing that I have to tell everyone this.

Rule number four: Don't soil the day with your deficated memes. Chimney Sweep Day is about social independence, not following your friends off the cliff of triteness.

Epilogue: " As stated by the board committee in 1883, these are the rules that all Chimney Sweep Day celebrators are to follow. Breaking these rules is very naughty naughty naughty, and will result in immediate docking of awesome points. If sufficient amount of awesome points are not present, the criminal may face execution. We highly enjoy murders and executions, I mean mergers and appositions, and would hate to see such things deemed intolerable due to their abuse. On a final thought, all citizens of Prussia must sign a contract of safety before joining any celebrations. We, the board of Chimney Sweep Day directors, its leaders, Grigori, Tchaikovsky, and Rasputin are not responsible for any actions taken by the king towards a non-compliant Prussian citizen. Furthermore, the stated people are not responsible for any injuries, although we provide extremely expensive medical services to those injured anyway because we care. That is all."

-Board of Chimney Sweep Day Chairmen, 1883, Prague

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This article has 9 comments. Post your own now!

LastChapter said...
Dec. 24, 2010 at 11:27 am
i liked official and real it all sounded, as if Chimney Sweep Day was an actual celebration with history and rules and everything. I enjoyed reading it because the narrator had the voice of some annoyed old man, grouchy and proud of what he did. however, it it weren't for his entertaining snippiness, this piece wouldn't really catch my eye. you have a talent for writing--which is clear--but i didn't see a plot or any actual direction of the story. i'm sure its just a matter of extending this pie... (more »)
Gigantron replied...
Dec. 24, 2010 at 1:06 pm

I appreciate your comment. Unfortunately with this piece, I don't think I will extend it or create a plot for it. This is simply because I wrote it two years ago...and I really didn't know what else to write. 


I guess I'm just random like that. :)

LastChapter replied...
Dec. 24, 2010 at 2:02 pm
haha, well, random or not, this is still a good piece. i hope you continue to write
Gigantron replied...
Dec. 24, 2010 at 2:45 pm
I have a few more pieces that are awaiting publication. One of them is a thesis on message boards and the other is a review on Twilight. I noticed that you happened to like Twilight so...I wouldn't suggest reading the Twilight review. 
LastChapter replied...
Dec. 24, 2010 at 5:51 pm
haha, don't worry. i like the writing in twilight, and the plot, but the story itself is something i can understand if people don't like it.
Gigantron replied...
Dec. 27, 2010 at 5:26 pm

Well it's not going to be published, heh heh. For whatever reason, it seems that the editors decided not approve my review. Perhaps they believed it would cause arguing among charismatic simpletons who have nothing better to do than to prove their lack of intelligence. 


So yeah hope you have a happy (belated) Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, etc. 

LastChapter replied...
Dec. 28, 2010 at 10:44 am
hahaha you too!
Esperanza replied...
Dec. 28, 2010 at 5:09 pm
it's a pretty amusing piece but first of all shouldn't it be in quotation marks  For example "Don't give me that look!" I think you should put more quotation marks around's rele a short piece...quite honestly it needs alot more detail but i was fun to read and i rated it a 5
Gigantron replied...
Dec. 28, 2010 at 7:41 pm
Thank you for your feedback! Nah, I wasn't planning on using quotations. :P
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