I dreamed of you last night. You were an angel up in heaven, singing something. I couldn’t make out the words because it was opera. You were a black angel in the midst of the other white angels in heaven singing the same song. You were beautiful with black dreads going down your back, and these dark brown eyes, and your chocolate brown skin. You looked like me, but a prettier version, an older version.

I thought of you when I went to school today. I thought that you were watching over me, as if you were my guardian angel or something. You guided me through my math. You told me not to go where the bad kids were. I listened. I didn’t get hurt. You told me what to do when Eleanor tripped me today. Walk with grace and don’t cry. Act like nothing happened, you said. I did that, even if it hurt a lot. Even when my knee burned like crazy. Even when I thought something was wrong with me. You told me that just because I had darker skin then those blonde haired, blue eyed kids in my school, I was still beautiful. I was just as good as they were.

I believed you.

I believed everything you told me. I wanted to be just like you.

I remembered when you were down on earth. You were still an angel, but you were walking next to me. Before I knew it, you were lying down on the ground, wriggling with pain because some person shot you with a gun. I cried. You told me not to take revenge. I didn’t. I stood next to your lifeless body crying. The person who shot didn’t even say sorry. He didn’t even know you died, well, at least I don’t think he did.

You told me to be strong. I tried to, but sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, all my thoughts just well inside me, and pour out in the form of tears. I cry. If you were still alive today, you would have comforted me. You would’ve been there to guide my every step. You would’ve been there to encourage me to keep on going. You would have loved me.

I know I loved you. I wanted to be just like you.

Dad loved you too. Right after I told him you died, he wanted to take his life, but he didn’t because of me. He told me that I reminded him of you. He told me he loved me, and tried to be like you too. He tried to be two different people, but even he couldn’t replace you. He couldn’t replace my mommy.

When I woke up today after my dream, I cried again. I guess you are having a blast in heaven, singing and dancing all day long. I remembered you used to sing during church. You had the prettiest voice that stood out above all the others. It was strong. It sounded like a trumpet. Sometimes I thought up in heaven, you wouldn’t want to look down at us again, because we would make you sad.

Today, I realized that you do look down, but we don’t make you sad. You want to help us not because of pity, but because you love me. Mommy, I love you too. Don’t leave me. You are still with me. Don’t go away, don’t go, don’t go.

I love you.