war in Iraq

September 25, 2009
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As Sgt. Jackson jumped behind cover Pvt. waters got hit by a wall of bullets. Sgt. Jackson gave covering fire so the squad could get to the Pvt. The field medik took a look at him as the others coverd. The medik said the Pvt said he would be just fine. He warped up the bullet wound and the squad moved on with there mission.

After long days of battle they reached their destination. Their goal was to locate the Corpral and get him out alive. They blew open the door and cleared out the house. There was only two guards. They cut the rope off hs hands and feet, then gave him an extra gun. The squad now had to regroup with 3 other squads.

The four squads final mission was to attack and get control of the armorry building. At first the four squads did not get much resistance but then everything went worng. The Iraqies were expicting the Marines to come so they flanked the Marines when they got there. The Marines had to hold out till renforcesments arrived. After 2 long hours 1 of the squads were gone. They had finaly taken over the building. This was a giant sorce of supplies for the Iraqies. Sgt. Jackson was promoted with this great vicctory.

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MarieAntoinette2012 said...
Jun. 1, 2012 at 7:59 am
That's pretty good. My would be godfather was a soldier and we don't know if he's there or not.
PS3, woodley423 said...
Feb. 1, 2012 at 2:24 pm
It was a good story and has a couple spelling errors and when I was reading it I was comparing it to Call of Duty MW3 and I liked this story good job.
tank said...
Dec. 8, 2011 at 1:47 pm
i think this is a good story but there just isent that much info
writerfreak21231This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 10:03 am
Nice story! keep writing!if anyone could go check out and post comments on my new article time, not space. That would be great! :) just click my user name! :)(:
Euterpe said...
Jan. 3, 2010 at 4:56 pm
This was a good piece, but very confusing. The story line was decent, the content relative, but the spelling and change of positions (and paragraphs) without proper acknowledgment were a let down. This could be a really good story if you edit it a little bit more. Keep up the good work!
morainj said...
Oct. 29, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I like the topic of this piece, but it was slightly boring. You did have some points that made it realistic, such as the goal of the operation, but did not give much descrition of it. Also, you stated there were two guards, but did not say what happended. Did they kill them? did they run away? did they just stand there? Again,I liked the topic but the story could have had some corrections and additional description that could have mad it better.
robinsonc said...
Oct. 15, 2009 at 6:23 pm
This war story was pretty interesting. I think if anyone wanted to read a fictional piece about the Iraqian war, they should choose this one. As though the story baseline was mind-grabbing, you had a lot of spelling and grammar errors. First of all you did not indent at the beginning of any of your paragraphs. you also should not abbreviate for seargent it was Sgt. and private was Pvt. Alone with the spelling mistakes, there were many founded. Some errors were medik instead of medic, wrong... (more »)
Mirrorxmask replied...
Sept. 2, 2010 at 12:53 am
I don't agree myself. Because of the fact that this story didn't have a plot, and seemed to suffer from listing syndrome, I don't think I'd recommend this as a story to depict a fictional portion of the war. If you're going to write historical fiction, it's important that you do your research on your time period. This didn't have that. Aside from the spelling and grammar mistakes, I think that you should consider writing your story in a word processing program like word to catch your spelling er... (more »)
Armyrecruit10 said...
Oct. 14, 2009 at 2:22 pm
After a while of reading this short story, all the errors in speeling and grammar started to bug me. It also bothered me with the accrimnimes. I think that if you cant get the accrinimes correct the first time then don't use them at all.
Disastershock said...
Oct. 13, 2009 at 9:41 am
This was not a vey good short story. There was no baseline. One time Sgt. Jackson was shooting people and next they're at a beach waiting for Marines! The dude can't spell!
smithg said...
Oct. 8, 2009 at 8:42 pm
I thought this piece was good and had a good story line. You did have alot of spelling mistakes though, like how you spelled medic, medik two times. I feel that you could have made this more descriptive and added a little more detail on what was going on, like when they enterd the building where the Corporal was. Over this was a good exciting peice though.
Sunshineyday said...
Oct. 3, 2009 at 2:24 pm
First of all, We are not fighting AGAINST the Iraqi's, so I think you chose a bad title. However, It's an interesting story, but it could have more detail and it seemed to end to quickly. But the plot and major event are a great start.
Fayrouz This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 2, 2009 at 7:40 pm
It sounds far too much like an article you would read in a daily paper than fiction. You need voice, because now, it's all fact and no feeling. Work more on adding detail. For example: After long days of battle, say: After tiring, gruesome days of battle, they reached their destination but what they wanted to reach was home. They missed the comforts of springy, plush mattresses and the cool breeze that would whisper and tickle their ears and hair back home. Here the weather was stick and pr... (more »)
ClearlyDamnDecent said...
Oct. 2, 2009 at 11:59 am
Was a bit short maybe try adding some detail into. Work hard on a story to make it worthwhile else it ends up being a report instead of a story
brechtj2/3 said...
Oct. 1, 2009 at 7:33 pm
I think you chose a great topic. Though it is a great topic you need to clean up your grammar. For example, "Pvt. waters" should be Pvt. Waters. You also need to clean up your spelling. An example of this would be "The field medik." It should be "the field medic." Overall you did a great job putting the war in iraq in a fun story to read. You did a really good job of showing the picture. this writing is really descriptive. In the phrase "Pvt. Waters got hit by ... (more »)
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