I'm Happy For You

January 24, 2018

Scented candles, boquet of white roses, orchestra playing a mellow song, fancy restaurant, the handsome soon-to-be-groom and the lovely soon-to-be-bride, everything is set and is totally perfect. But never for me, this night may be the best night ever for him, but again, not for me who had been loving him more than a friend, more than a bestfriend, not for me who pretended to be be happy seeing him inlove with someone else, not for me who felt unfair, that they can shout their feelings to the world and let them know that they love each other while I can't even confess what I really feel for him, not for me who wanted him so bad but can't have him for myself. Without noticing, a tear from my left eye dropped. I immediately wiped it off and composed myself.

After a while, the emcee started, "Let us give a big round of applause to our soon-to-be-Mr. and Mrs. Kim!" Then both of them went up on stage, smiling while holding each others' hand. Their eyes reflect genuine and passionate happiness and love. And I can't help but be envious to her, she got the person I dearly love, the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, but I know I can't have him. I feel like my heart is being pierced by millions of arrows just by seeing them happy together and there's nothing else I can do but to support them and to pretend that I'm happy for them, although it kills me deep within.

After coming up on stage, the emcee gave the microphone to Kai then he started his speech, which he practiced infront of me for a million times. "To all of you who joined us in this important event in our life, thank you so much from the depth of my heart. To my parents and to Krystal's parents, thank you so much for the trust and support. To my co-members, from Xiumin-hyung to Sehun-ssi, who helped me prepare everything, thanks a million times, especially to the person who had been with me from the very beginning, who had been beside me through my ups and downs, who had been a good, I mean, the best of all friends, Kyungsoo-hyung. Jeongmal kamsahamnida. Without you hyung, everything would never be possible, without you, I would have surrendered even before the real battle started, again, thank you so much, hyung." He was saying those words while looking into my eyes. Hey, I didn't hear those words he said for me when he rehearsed. Well, I won't be surprised if he included it in the practice, so I guess this is a surprise for me, then. I smiled at him while he was saying those words, then I lowered down my head and wiped the tears that were about to fall. The feeling was overwhelming and at the same time, hurting, because those words were obviously only from a dongsaeng who is thankful to his supportive hyung, only from a grateful bestfriend.

After saying those words for me, he continued to the real speech, the words I never wanted to hear from him, saying it to anyone else because I want to hear him saying it for me.

"To the person who gives me the strength to wake up every morning just by thinking about her, and the person who drifts me off to sleep just by merely looking at her lovely face. To the person who gives me energy whenever I hear her sexy and lovely laughter, to the person who can easily break my heart just by frowning. To the person who I want to be with for the rest of my life, to the person I want to serve 'til my last breath. Thank you. Thank you for being with me, thank you for the love, for the broken heart, for the laughters, for the tears, for the warmth and for the pain. Thank you for everything, and most especially, for the love. I promise to be the best husband for you, I may not be perfect but I can give you everything I have just to make you happy. Just for you to smile and be satisfied, just for you to continue loving me 'til the end. I love you." he said. At last, he already said those words perfectly, without stuttering and without forgetting even a single word. He even added some words that are not included in the real speech he practiced. At last, he was able to say the words he truly want to say. And at last, my heart was already totally broken into tiniest pieces. I can't help it, tears started running away from my eyes, all I can do is to bite my lower lip to prevent any sound to go out of my mouth.

"Gwaenchanhayo, Kyungsoo-ya?" Are you okay, Kyungsoo? Suho-hyung asked, noticing that I was crying hard. "G-gwaenchanha, h-hyung. I w-was just happy f-for Jonginnie." I'm ok, hyung. I responded with a smile. Although deep within, I'm bleeding. Then I heard him shouting from the top of his lungs that made my heart hurt even more, "I love you forever, Krystal Jung! I love you, jagiya!" Then the people started clapping. Then I saw them, Kai and Krystal, crying in happiness, then they kissed passionately.

I can't bear to see it anymore so I decided to go the bar on the side of the restaurant and ordered a drink. Then I heard Kai, speaking again on the mic, "I would like to call the bestman, Kyungsoo-hyung, to please come up on stage and sing for us. Hyung, can you sing for us?" Kai said while on the mic. The spotlight was already on me and my naturally big eyes grew even bigger. I saw Kai smiling at me then I smiled back and walked towards the stage. When I went up, he immediately hugged me tight, and whispered, "I mean those words, hyung. Thank you so much for being my bestfriend." Yeah, just your bestfriend. "You know you're always welcome, Jonginnie." Then I smiled back at him and took the mic and stepped on the center of the stage, then the song started playing.

The first time, I fell inlove was long ago..
I didn't know how to give my love at all..

Yeah, I really can't remember when this feeling for my bestfriend started and when did it grew. I was even confused if I should confess my feelings to him or not. Then I decided not to, and I did not regretted it.

I smiled when I remembered those confusing times.

The next time I settled for what felt so close..
But without romance they will never gonna fall..

I settled my feelings being unknown to him, I thought it would be better. And I also thought that if I wouldn't just keep on thinking of this feeling, it will just disappear.

And my first thought was right, it's better that he don't know anything about my feelings but my second thought was totally wrong because as time passes by, this feeling started to grow without being noticed.

After everything I've learned,
Now it's finally my turn..
This is the last time I fall inlove..

That's right, I've learned a lot with this unrequited love and I can say that is my first love and will be the last as well.

The next time, we walked under that starry night,
There was a moment when everything was clear..

On that starry night, on the 14th of January, on his very own birthday, everything became so Krystal clear to me..

And I didn't need to ask or even wonder why..
Because this question is answered when you're near..

That night, when he told me about the girl he loves more than himself, I never asked for any explanations because I can see in his eyes everything that he needs and wants to say. And to sum it all up, he only wants to say that he wants to be with her for the rest of his life. And he wants me to help him do that..

And I'm wise enough to know..
When a miracle unfolds..
This is the last time I'll fall inlove..

I'm not a dumb not to know when to end this stupidity, I don't believe in miracles but I do hope it will happen to me.

But I promise to myself that it will only be him who I will love for the rest of my life..

After singing, I can't help but cry hard. I don't want to be embarassed infront of the crowd so after singing, I immediately went out of the venue and went to the restaurant's garden to get some fresh air.

Then I heard someone calling my name, and I already know who he is. That gorgeous and sexy voice.

"Kyungsoo-hyung.." I turned around and knew I was right, he was approaching me with that smile that always makes my heart flutter.

This guy whom I am very much inlove with for years. This guy who makes my heart skip a beat with a smile that weakens my knees.

Should I tell him now?

"Kai-ssi, I need to tell you something." I started.

"What is it, hyung? I'm listening." He said while standing infront of me. Looking at me intently.

"I.. I.." should I really, at least, tell him now?

Then everything from the past played back in my mind. The memories I made with him. The laughters, the tears, the sweat..

"Thank you so much for everything, hyung. I love you my dear bestfriend.."

I remembered him saying those words on his birthday this year..

I just can't afford to lose the only thing I have for him..

Our friendship..

If I tell him what I truly feel towards him, will everything be the same?

Then I ended up saying the most painful words anyone will tell to the person they love the most who is happily and deeply inlove with someone else..

"Congratulations, Kim Jong-in. I'm happy for you.." Then once again, a tear fell from my eye...






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